I’m struggling with major anxiety and mania today.
I’m not gonna sugarcoat it – it’s crippling when this happens. I’m trying my best to keep it together and write on the blog – I think it’s important to share this struggle with my readers, so I’m going to push through this post.
I captured two adorable pictures of the Maine Coons (Persephone and Calliope) wanting pets from Luke this morning, so I thought I’d share them …
This morning I had a reprise of yesterday’s breakfast as we were low on food. I enjoyed a vanilla Brown Cow yogurt with a banana, an orange, some almonds, and a drizzle of honey. Coffee to drink, as usual.
I had a simple smattering of seasoned and roasted veggies (zucchini, squash, cauliflower, red onion, and carrots) and a packet of ranch tuna for lunch because I didn’t have the frame of mind to make anything else. As usual, I used Pace salsa, hummus, and low-cal Fiesta ranch dressing for dipping. I’m looking for comfort today, and those dips are so comforting to me for some reason. 🙂
My twin sis Jenny wanted to try the Unicorn Frappuccino from Starbucks, so Luke and I went along with her. The first Starbucks on Soncy was out of the stuff to make the Unicorn Frap, so we settled on a coconut milk macchiato. Luke and I ended up getting a free iced coconut milk macchiato because they messed up our order (we wanted a hot drink, not an iced one, but they gave us the iced one for free and made a hot one). Here Jenny and I are looking mad about the place not having the Unicorn Frap … Then Jenny called the Starbucks on Georgia St. and asked if they had Unicorn Frap stuff … they said yes, but that they were running out fast … we drove like a bat out of hell to Georgia Street! Luckily, Jenny was able to procure her precious frappuccino, and she grabbed three straws so we all could try it …All I have to say is that it tasted like unicorn tears and poop! Yucky! I didn’t care for the drink AT ALL! However, we DID have a fun adventure trying to find it! 🙂
My dinner was in two parts tonight – I had some Uncle Ben’s Ready Rice (the brown kind) topped with some salsa and some deer backstrap and onions drizzled with some BBQ sauce that I had cooked earlier for Luke. Deer is SO delicious went you stop and taste it … I’ve been terrible about inhaling my food, so I’m consciously making an effort to slow down and enjoy my eats, and I was surprised to find that deer has a smokey, steak-y flavor tonight.
… I think I ultimately ate too much for dinner, but that’s totally okay! My old “eating disordered self” would be vomiting right now, but that’s not who I want to be anymore, y’all … I’m going to let myself digest my food and allow it to nourish my body. To help myself cope, I’m resolving to eat a little less at dinner and to go to the gym tomorrow – no harm, no foul.
Exercise and Mental Health
This morning I woke up and had a major panic attack, y’all. I woke my poor husband up to announce my panic attack, but I took some extra Gabapentin and calmed down a bit (husband got to sleep a little more, thank goodness!). I also experienced a bit of mania with it which grew into a full-blown episode by the end of the day.
My eyes were unfocused for the entire day (as they tend to do when I have a major panic attack); therefore, I declared it a rest day since I felt unable to drive anywhere until evening. My psychiatrist and I are unsure of why my eyes do this – anyone else experience eye trouble from medications and/or panic attacks? I feel like a major weirdo with this symptom.
I have to say, our outing with Jenny really helped with my anxiety. I did, however, have a manic episode afterwards and ultimately ran around the house, trying to clean everything and cook dinner like a fiend – I was jumpy as hell for about 3 hours. I finally calmed down around 6:00 p.m. and relaxed while watching TV with some matcha green tea.
I’m happy to report that I’m stable as I write this post. I’m thankful for my medications, my psychiatrist, my husband, my mom, my sister, and my sanity tonight!
Do you struggle with anxiety or mental health issues, such as bipolar disorder? I’d love to hear from you!