The Guilty Eater

Howdy y’all! How are you doing today? I took a few days off from blogging, no biggie, I just didn’t feel the urge to write. I’m going to *try* to write most days, but sometimes I do need a break, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But anyway …

I made a vow recently, y’all, an important vow: I’m going to make a conscious effort to not feel guilty anymore when I eat. Guilt has driven my eating disorder and has caused me to purge and restrict over the years, and it’s a rough booger to fight. It’s a very simple scenario really – I feel guilty about putting food into my body because I fear the calories and weight gain which is an overtone to my perfectionism and desire to the be thin (which I ironically already am), and then I promptly purge or don’t eat out of this fear.

I’m still fighting the urges to restrict and purge to this very day, I’m not gonna sugarcoat it – I try to be open and honest on here, so I’ll admit that little fact right now.Β  Sometimes this blog has a “sing-song” and happy vibe, but I do struggle daily. I always *feel* extra fat and distorted after I’ve eaten a decent meal or snack. I fight those demons in my head which almost constantly tell me that I’m “too fat, am ugly, and am worthless,” and in all honesty, they’re very relentless. I often find myself speaking out-loud to myself and saying “You’re NOT fat, Mandy, you’re FINE.”

It’s a TOUGH battle, y’all. Eating disordered thoughts do not mess around when they try to screw with you. Yes, I’ve learned some valuable skills through my stint in the ED Recovery Center and through counseling, but it ain’t easy when you’re fighting your own mind, and I’m making a vow to NOT give into this guilt. I will no longer be The Guilty Eater.

Breakfast

Today I enjoyed a Black Cherry Chobani yogurt with a baby banana, a teeny drizzle of honey, and a sprinkling of Quaker oats. As per usual, I had my OJ and Green Vibrance and several cups of creamy coffee with it – I broke down and bought some Espresso Chocolate creamer, but I’m only adding a dash and then diluting it with coconut-almond milk. Breakfast sure filled me up!

Lunch

I loved my lunch today, y’all – it was PROTEIN PACKED! I cut up half a mango and sprinkled it with Tajin Seasoning, boiled two eggs and served them with S+P and Sriracha, sliced some deer sausage and Havarti cheese, and ate it with some Saltines and BBQ sauce. Hot Mint Green Tea with stevia to drink.

Snack

After my workout, I wanted a snack, so I cut up a carrot and a bit of cucumber and served my slices with hummus, ranch dressing, and salsa. It really hit the spot. I just love crunchy veggies with a dash of salt! A Coke Zero with a squirt of vanilla to drink.

Dinner

My dear Mom made a roast and beans with cornbread, and she was sweet enough to share some with me and Luke! I had a delicious bowl of roast with a little extra BBQ sauce and two slices of cornbread with butter.

Dessert was coffee with Espresso Chocolate creamer and almond milk!

Exercise

My exercising has been pretty lax over the past two days (i.e. I haven’t gone to the gym or done anything at home). I just haven’t had it in me to get up and go … excuses, excuses, I know. My weight has plateaued at about 125 lbs, and although I’m not unhappy with this (it’s still better than 109), I’d like to gain that muscle weight that I covet. I know this just takes time, effort, and patience with my body.

Luke and I did arms today at the gym and stayed for about 45 minutes, so I did *something* good today. I often leave after doing weights and feel like I haven’t done enough, probably because I’m used to cardio.

Mental Health

Yesterday I took an extra Gabapentin because I was having some anxiety, and it completely destroyed me. I felt dizzy and nauseous for most of the day, so I won’t be doing that again (my psychiatrist has me on 1100 mg a day, but I only take about 600 mg, so I always have extra). It’s still messing with me a bitΒ  through a faint head-fog … my energy levels aren’t what they usually are today, and it was a bit of a push to get to the gym to lift weights (although obviously I’m glad I did!). Despite this development, I’ve felt pretty stable in the mood department.

Critters

Persephone was resting this morning in some cute poses … πŸ™‚

And Calliope made a nest on the paper towels which are on top of the cabinets … is there anywhere that cats WON’T go? πŸ˜‰ She looks so satisfied with herself!

In Other News

The police recovered Luke’s $12,000 stolen motorcycle! We looked at it yesterday at the impound lot, and the felon who stole it messed up the transmission and the body. Yep, this guy’s a known felon who had a bullet-proof vest and ammo in his house, and he had another stolen bike on his property, so he’ll be arrested for sure if they find him … he wasn’t home at the time.

Luke thinks it can all be fixed, but he wonders if it’ll have issues down the road because of that shit. The detective asked Luke if he wanted to press charges if the man is caught, to which Luke replied “HELL YEAH!” … Luke’s motorcycle even made the news several times, so here’s the link if you’re curious about it.

I also am trying to figure out how to volunteer at our local zoo! My friend Celeste is on the Board of Directors out there, and she texted me saying that the zoo is looking for a volunteer with tons of animal experience (which I have, goodness knows that my three kitties and one snake are the smallest amount of animals that I’ve ever had in my LIFE). It sounded like a grand idea, so I texted her back, and she and I are going to visit the zoo together next Monday and work on getting me a position as a volunteer. I need more positive outlets in my life (I can only go to the gym so much, after all), so this sounds promising! πŸ™‚

Tonight I’m vegging out with my coffee and watching Expedition Unknown. I foresee a nice hot bath in my future too!

Are you a Guilty Eater? Do you have an eating disorder? I’d love to know!

 

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