Not a Number

So, so, so. I’ve been doing some pretty heavy thinking, and I’ve come to a conclusion here. What does it ultimately matter what I weigh? NOTHING. I am *not* a number on a scale … too long I have been just a number on a scale, a clothing size, a waist measurement. It doesn’t fucking matter what I weigh, it matters who I am INSIDE. I want to be healthy and happy, not just a ridiculous number. I know that’s not a difficult conclusion to make for most of us, but those of us with ED brains and tendencies do not make this connection at all. I’m dead serious. I asked Luke today how he knows that he’s not fat … he said that he just has to look in the mirror to know, and this was a completely foreign concept to me. I look in the mirror and see a large girl standing there, not someone who wears a size x small … I hope that someday my perceptions will change.

After all, who cares if I weigh 125 lbs or 140 lbs? NOBODY BUT ME, and I’m absolutely tired of caring about it. I *am* beautiful just the way I am, and if I gain a few pounds, it does not matter one bit. So what if I have to buy some new clothes? So what? Normal people don’t fret over such nonsense. Most people don’t feel guilty when they eat as they are simply giving their bodies FUEL. I need to remember that I have to fuel my body properly to function properly, and that’s that! Yes, I do not want to get fat again, but I’m not headed in that direction at all – I’m lifting weights, doing some cardio, and I eat healthy foods. That’s my little rant for the day.

Breakfast was cottage cheese with some mango, pineapple, a drizzle of honey, and some multigrain Cheerios. Coffee with Salted Caramel Chocolate Creamer to drink. This meal was just the right size for me, not too skimpy and not too filling.

Lunch was a packet of ranch tuna on cucumber with salsa and a tbsp of Fiesta ranch. I was looking for something light, and this did the trick! Easy peasy.

I had a small taste of chicken around 3:30, which I didn’t document. Luke and I bought a freshly roasted chicken at United, and it smelled to good not to sample! I also had a little bowl of red grapes. Getting a hair up my ass, I made some Healthy Fruit Dip and ate half of my grapes and an apple with it … yum!

I had my usual kombucha cocktail around 5:00, and I tried a new flavor – Lavender Love. It really had a nice hint of lavender in it (duh), and I liked it … not my favorite, but hey, I had to try it!

I’m not gonna lie, today has not been my best day ever. I had some depression this afternoon, and I didn’t hit the gym today … but that’s okay! Tomorrow is a new day, after all, and I’m pretty stable tonight despite being low energy (when I have depressions, my energy gets drained very quickly).

For dinner, I had some roasted chicken breast from United with a baby avocado and some sweet potato rounds served with BBQ sauce and ketchup.

I’m about to fall asleep, so I’m just doing to wish y’all a happy evening!

~ Mandy


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