Howdy there and Happy Friday to you all! I’ve been MIA for the past 10 days for a very good reason. I’ve been having terrible attacks (and my doctor doesn’t know what, to quote him, “the hell they are”) … I’ll do my best to describe them on here, but it’s difficult because I tend to “blank out” during the 5+ long hours attacks and then simply go about my day without remembering much. After them, I do feel drained and emotionally spent, as is typical with an acute mental episode, but I just don’t remember much.
These attacks start out with my heart racing and my eyes becoming discombobulated and wanting to “look up in a frozen position” (that’s the best way to describe it) – this lasts the entire duration of an attack and is only cured by a good night’s sleep, which I often do not get with these attacks (I’m often up until 1 or 2 a.m. before I can fall asleep compared to my usual bedtime of 9 p.m.). Then the hallucinations set it – I have seen my dead Nan looking at me from a corner, and the walls seem to come down on me. I also see negative words “written” in the textures of the walls and ceilings – words like “DIE” and “KILL YOURSELF.”
I also begin to have inactive thoughts of self-harm, such as that I should jump out the window or get Luke’s gun and shoot myself. I have no intention of acting on these thoughts at all, but they’re placed in my mind and are unsettling. My mouth opens as wide as it can open (it’s painful), and I can barely talk, breathe, or swallow. My mouth is usually wide open the entire time during the entire duration of these attacks, and combined with my “frozen looking-up eyesight,” it’s very distressing and stressful … it’s a terrible thing to go through, and I do not wish it on anyone.
And that’s what happens during these attacks, as best I can describe them. They’re terrifying, exhausting, and completely out of control.
I was placed on Hydroxyzine about 10 days ago, and it did nothing to help the attacks … instead, it turned me into a zombie for 6 days. I just wanted to sit in my chair, wrapped up in my bathrobe and blankets. My energy was zapped 110%. I quickly knew that this was not the med for me, so I resolved to take it only during my attacks. I tried this idea, and the Hydroxyzine did nothing at all to help.
I finally saw my psychiatrist today, and since he has no idea what’s causing these attacks – he ruled out most things like schizophrenia and seizures – he decided to prescribe me a low dose of Klonopin. I’m not sure if this will help or not, but it’s sure worth a try. I do not like Klonopin as it’s been known to give me withdrawal seizures in the past, but Dr. Jenkins said that the dose is so small that I shouldn’t have any problems. I see him again in 6 weeks, so hopefully I’ll see some positive changes … here’s hoping!
I felt very pretty going to see Dr. Jenkins today, so I snapped a pic – you can’t see my sparkly choker from Anthropologie in the pic, but you CAN see one of my gorgeous new tops from Anthro (bonus – I don’t have to wear a bra with it!). In other news, Luke and I made it back to Planet Fitness today – FINALLY! We did a ton of free weights, and I felt so happy after we were done … I felt like I actually *did* something positive with myself. Luke and I are resolving to work out on most days – he’s on some pro-hormone complex that his friend Sam, who works at the local Total Nutrition and is fit AF, recommended to him, and Luke obviously wants to see results with that! I may start on a Laxabolic myself (it’s hormone free, which is obviously what I need as a woman) to kick start some muscle density.
Here are some pics from today ~ I look like Skeletor in the first pic for some reason, my eye socket is pretty pronounced, ha!And here’s me doing more arm work ~ I absolutely hate my waist and hips here, but hell, I share the pic anyway.
I love free weights – they’re probably one of my favorite things to do at the gym. I love the machines too, but something about free weights (and getting to watch yourself in the mirror doing the reps) is empowering to me.
I truly hope that Luke and I start getting with the program and hit the weights almost every day – it helps me with body perception and my mental health for sure.
On the eating disorder front, I’ve been doing quite well. I’m not binging or purging and I’m not restricting, so I can say that I’m in a good place. 🙂 I’m *considering* continuing calorie-counting to make sure I get enough protein in my day – Lose It! gives a nice macro breakdown – and fewer carbs and unhealthy fats.
As for my eats today, I didn’t document breakfast (an apple with 1 tbsp of peanut butter) or lunch (Mom and I went to The Public House, and I enjoyed a DAMN DELICIOUS salmon salad with green apples, picked red onion, goat cheese, spinach, and a to-die-for vinaigrette ((I plan to start making my own salad dressings at home now instead of store-bought)) … I really want to try their Saturday brunch one day!). I also had a few bites of deer sausage with Laughing cow cheese, BBQ, and a few carrot sticks and bell pepper sticks with hummus after the gym.
Around cocktail time, I slurped down a Raw & Organic Live Kombucha in Refreshing Rhuberry … please forgive this rather silly pic of me complete with messy hair and makeup, I had just come from the gym, after all!
Dinner was marinated and baked BBQ chicken with a side of rice and roasted Parmesan broccoli and cauliflower. YUM-O!
Well, that’s all I got for tonight – Luke and I are headed to the ranch tomorrow for some R&R, so I’ll be MIA for a day or two, but I’m sure to return with a TON of pictures and stories of our adventure. 😉
Here’s hoping that the mental attacks subside too!