A Terrible Hot Fall Day

Today was not a good day mood-wise for me. My moods were swinging like a maniac – I was happy this morning, but after lunch, my mood look a terrible turn for the worse. I cried in bed, I cried sitting in front of the TV, I cried in the bathtub, I just cried and cried., and when I wasn’t crying, I was just sitting around with a giant frown on my face and a furrow in my brow.

We went to the gym to do weights, but naturally, I started crying for no real reason at all. Luke was also having a rough day; our workout lasted just 30 minutes, mainly due to my crying and low energy and both of our bad moods.

It was just a terrible hot fall day.

Having a bipolar low is like having a deep dark cloud inside of your head, a black cloud with rain and thunder and lightening bolts. It sucks the life, the energy out of you. Your heart feels heavy, like a giant burden in your chest. Your brain simply tells you to be sad/low without much or any rhyme or reason. You sometimes contemplate ending it all, suicide. You sometimes just cry for hours. You sometimes just sit in your comfortable chair for hours, covered in blankets with a mug of tea, trying to wait it out (that’s what I’m trying to do today).

On a positive note, I *am* happy to report that I’ve been having less eating disordered thoughts (i.e. constantly calling myself a fat pig and thinking I’m fat and need to lose weight) and am focusing more on health and fitness when it comes to keeping my eats in mind. It’s important to fuel my body so I can get my gains, y’all! I’m still pretty thin (I’m at 121.4 lbs this morning, but I’m comfortable at this weight right now). I’m working on it, and that’s what’s important. It’s a long, slow process, but I’ll get there with hard work and mindfulness. I just take it day by day, just as I do with my bipolar disorder.

Breakfast- 9:15 a.m.

I wanted oatmeal for breakfast, but I decided on eggs instead for some unknown reason. I scrambled 3 eggs (we were out of egg whites) and heated up 2 turkey sausage patties for breakfast. Salsa added as usual. I was HUNGRY upon waking up, so I needed something fast and quick. This hit the spot and kept me full until lunch.

Then I ran to the store and grabbed some essentials – TP, paper towels, milk, cereal, coffee, Febreeze, you name it, I got it. It was quite the bill, unfortunately, but we needed stuff. I also went to see my mom who’s going to be gone to Seattle for a week and to get the lowdown on what I need to do at her house while she’s away. Mom gave me a ton of food to eat up too as this is a rather impromptu trip, and she just went to the store.

Lunch – 1:00 p.m.

I did my usual veggie roast with some Brussels sprouts, red bell pepper, carrots, cherry tomatoes, and some sweet potato. I topped the veg with Toasted Sesame Ginger Sauce and some Boar’s Head shaved turkey.

Snack- 3:40 p.m.

At this point in the day, I dejectedly threw together some carrots and cucumber in a hummus container and ate it with hot tears falling down my face.

Cocktail Hour -6:00 p.m.

I’d calmed down significantly around “mocktail” hour. My brain was still sending me signals to be low, but my heart had lifted out of my stomach, and I was feeling a bit more positive overall. I had my usual Trilogy kombucha.

Dinner – 7:00 p.m.

I roasted some BBQ chicken for dinner with some red onion, broccoli, and yellow squash (drizzled with Toasted Sesame Ginger Sauce at the end). Easy peasy, just throw it all in the oven.

I also had four Belgian Chocolate Thins, courtesy of my mom:

Here’s hoping that tomorrow is a better, brighter day in the mood department for me!

~ Mandy



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