Howdy readers! I’m not posting my meals today – what I eat tends to be boring and repetitive, and I often forget to photograph my meals, so I’m sticking to writing my thoughts and experiences with my progression in eating disorder recovery. I’m not sure if photographing my meals is even worth my time, to be honest, as it can feel a little obsessive, and I don’t want to be obsessive regarding food. It’s a fun thing to do from time to time, yes, but not daily as I originally planned.
Onto my spiel for the day ~
Remember these pictures that I took only a few months ago where I look completely MISERABLE because I was?
It’s taken a TON of time, patience, complaining, and tears, but I think I’m *finally* coming to terms with my weight gain, y’all. I’m currently at 124.6 lbs and figure that 125-ish lbs (and topping around 130 lbs at night) is about right for my body. I fought this for a long, long time – I wanted to be around 110 to 120 lbs, but that’s just not realistic for my height and body (I’m 5’10”). I’m HEALTHY now, not overly skinny and gaunt. Amazingly, I’m *feeling* healthy too, and it’s a wonderful feeling to have after YEARS of struggling with an ED.
Yes, I still have my moments – I think “will this make me fat?” or “should I throw that up?” or “that number on the scale is too high, damn it all to hell” …. but these thoughts are slowly but surely dissipating. It’s a PROCESS, not an immediate overnight solution, after all, and I’ve had to learn this as well – I always thought recovery meant immediately becoming 100% better in every way, but now I don’t look at it as such – I look at it as a winding journey, one with highs and lows.
As a plus, everyone says I no longer look sick, particularly Luke and my Mom, who know me very well and see me often. I even when to my psychiatrist, and the receptionist, Brenda, commented on how good I’m looking … it’s amazing who notices these things! My face has filled out and is not so drawn anymore, my shoulder blades don’t stick out, my ribs don’t stick out, I have a bit of a tummy when I have food in my system, and my abs are showing. I’m very happy about these developments (yes, even my tummy … it means I have good food in my system and am NOURISHING myself, not depriving).
One silly thing that really troubled me on my journey towards total recovery was my wardrobe – I have built a lovely one for the past few years, and I was *terrified* that I’d outgrow all of my clothing. This sounds so vain, but seriously it was a fear of mine. But guess what? I have *not* outgrown my wardrobe and still wear the same size, and that’s been a THRILL to discover this little fact. I’m just looking HEALTHY in my clothes, not sickly.
I do still tend to err on the side of fruits and veggies when it comes to breakfast and lunch, but I’m trying to give myself more and more leeway, especially at night – for instance, lately I’ve made deer spaghetti and deer stir fry, and I’ve been noshing on them instead of plain vegetables, like I used to do (I used to live off plain vegetables, and it’s not recommended). I’m also trying to incorporate more protein in my diet, such as eggs, as well as things like peanut butter (I love it on bananas in the morning), Siggi’s yogurt, deer sausage, and cheese … you know, things that I completely avoided when heavily disordered. I still adore pumpkin banana oatmeal, but it’s so filling that I usually eat it as a brunch which tides me over into afternoon.
Do I think of myself as eating disordered still? That’s a resounding YES – my eating has improved, but there’s always room for more improvement. I’m not throwing up. I’m at a stage where I often think about my body and my weight, but I’m not so negative about my body image now, and my body dysmorphia seems to be improving as I don’t look in the mirror *all of the time* and see a giant person staring back. My one “problem area” with dysmorphia is my stomach when it’s full of food or liquid … that’s where I’m working on suppressing those negative thoughts still, but I’ve come a LONG WAY. But yes, I *am* still eating disordered … and that’s OKAY! I’m going to keep improving and keep improving. IT JUST TAKES TIME, y’all. Time truly does heal.
Today though, I’m happy to post a picture of myself at 125 lbs, and I have a smile on my face, a song in my heart, and a belly full of food and tea!
Again, time, patience, and tears are HEALING as long as you truly have it in your mind and heart to recover. As a woman who has suffered from terrible anorexia and bulimia for nearly 18 years, I’m here to say that recovery is 100% possible, and it’s an utter delight to be on the journey.
I’m so BLESSED to be where I am today – I never would have thought that I’d be on my way to a full recovery, yet here I am! And guess what? I’m *not* going to worry about what I eat when I go to Seattle over Christmas. I’m going to indulge if I want (in moderation and only until my tummy is full, no overeating if I can help it, but if it happens, it happens), and I’m going to have a FABULOUS time.
I’m sending everyone a GIANT XOXO today, especially to all of my fellow ED sufferers and recover-ees.