Howdy there and Happy Saturday! My day has been fabulous, and I hope yours has too!
I want to talk more about recovery today. Recovery is *hard,* y’all. It’s definitely not linear, but I truly feel that I’ve gotten through the harder parts of it and am coasting into an easier transition with loving my body at a higher weight, eating a healthy variety of foods, and exercising. I found this image online, and it speaks the simple truth: Obviously I relapsed earlier this fall when I hit 110 lbs, so yes, recovery isn’t linear to me at all, and it *still* isn’t. I’m doing my best not to regress or stagnate in any areas, although I admit that I struggle when I step on the scale and see a number that’s higher than I’m used to seeing for so many years. I do wake up and immediately wonder what my weight is today … my routine is to get out of bed, go to the bathroom, put in my contacts, take off my clothes, and then weigh myself. I’d like to change this routine and simply weigh myself a few times a week, not everyday, but right now, it’s what I’ve been doing.
Honestly though, I’m feeling less anxiety over seeing the number on the scale and am slowly just letting it be. If I weigh a few pounds over my “happy weight,” then I’m okay with that, and that’s exactly what happened today – I weighed 2 lbs over my current average weight, and I didn’t let it sabotage the rest of my day. I simply thought “okay, well that’s what my body wants to weigh today, so be it!” and went along with my life. I didn’t punish myself for my weight, I didn’t freak out … I just made myself some oatmeal with pumpkin, banana, and PB and enjoyed breakfast without a thought of restricting or purging, and then I went about my morning without much thought of that silly ol’ number.
This little piece (also found on the Internet) spoke to me today too …
This all is SO TRUE. I am growing stronger because I know my weaknesses and am learning to combat them in a constructive way, I am much wiser from my mistakes in the past (which is just that – the past), and I can laugh because I have known great sadness in my life. My ED was a cause of much of my issues for 18 years (not to mention alcoholism, bipolar disorder, etc.), and now I’m moving past them and can truly enjoy just being the *Mandy* I know I am inside! And she’s a joyful, grateful, humbled person, a person that I’m learning to love. Indeed, you don’t need to be perfect – I’m trying to be inspiring with how I deal with my imperfections, as I’ve struggled for so stinkin’ long and am just now truly learning how to channel my old destructive habits into positive ones:
If you can’t read it, it says “Taking medication does not, and will not ever, make you weak.” A THOUSAND TIMES YES. I’m on a gigantic medication cocktail due to my bipolar disorder, panic disorder, and PTSD, and medication does not make me weak, In fact, it makes me stronger as it keeps me as STABLE as it possibly can. Some days are better than others in the mood and anxiety department, yes, but I can sit here and type in truth that my meds are lifesavers for me, and I’m very grateful for my psychiatrist and counselor. If it were back in the 1930’s, I’m sure I would have already wound up in a mental institution, and we all know the horror stories about those, so I’m very blessed to have my meds and my doctors.
Alrighty, that’s my “eating disorder and mental health awareness” spiel for the day, but I want to share a few bites and pieces from my Saturday with you all, since it was a very good day. 🙂
Luke and I had an *amazing* and *hard* workout this afternoon – we did chest and arms, and man oh man, did I ever get quite the pump going!
I started laughing when Luke took my pictures today – I’m not sure what was so funny, but something tickled my funny bone, and there you have it!
After our workout, we ran to United (thank goodness we didn’t try Walmart, Luke said it looked PACKED) for some artichokes, and I spotted me something very interesting that I just *had* to try ~ a bin of GINORMOUS Pazazz apples. I’ve never heard of this variety, and Luke told me to buy one just for the novelty … we’ll see how it tastes!
After the store, we relaxed and started dinner … while we were boiling some artichokes, Luke was playing on the Xbox, and Caprica immediately took the opportunity for snuggles with Daddy. So precious! The kitty looks thrilled, but Luke looks pissed because his Destiny team being shitty, and they lost their round, ha!
My Dad gave us two Filet Mignon steaks for Christmas and we decided to cook them up tonight along with some fresh Farmer’s Market corn (and artichokes, of course!). We like our steak rare, so that’s exactly how we cooked them, yum!
My cocktail for the night was kombucha while Luke had Bourbon.
Talk about a DELIGHTFUL meal. Luke said it was one of the best steaks he’s ever cooked, and I have to agree with him – it had the perfect crust on the outside and was juicy, red, and tender on the inside!
I had a piece of toffee as dessert, so huzzah for a GREAT meal! Hubs did most of the cooking on this one, and I truly appreciate it! 🙂
Anyway, here’s to a good night and a great day! I hope posting my thoughts about ED’s and mental illness helps someone somewhere out. You are loved, you are valued, and you are meant to be strong! Keep the faith, my friends! 🙂