Howdy there! How are you doing today?
I’m happy to report that my binge and purge urges are almost completely *gone.* Seriously, y’all, this is BEYOND thrilling – it’s something that I never thought I’d live without feeling constantly, and it’s just amazing to see the change in my brain – I’m much more stable mentally now, I’m on a positive path, and I’m just doing so well that it’s exciting (and a little scary at times).
I’m still experiencing stomach pains, yes, but I know my system is still adjusting to having food in it after nearly 18 years of binging, purging, and restricting (I can’t believe it’s been *that long,* you guys … it’s a terrible way to live, and I do not recommend it to anyone, even my worst enemies). I’m currently at about 124 lbs today (123.8 lbs, to be exact), and I’m just so happy that I’ve adjusted to feeling full (I’m still *not* adjusted to feeling overly full, but that’s understandable, and I try to avoid those situations by simply listening to my tummy), and I have adjusted to knowing that the scale will be higher during the day as I fill up my system with fluids and food.
I used to have a hard time because I was a slave to the scale – I’d step on it constantly throughout the day, and if it was even one ounce over my first weigh-in in the morning, I’d freak out and either purge or restrict or both. It was *that bad.* Now I weigh myself once a day, in the morning after I’ve used the restroom, and then I encourage myself to stay off the scale for the rest of the day as I know that my weight will be higher than my first weigh-in as the day progresses. This is HUGE progress for me, although I admit that I’m tempted to still step on the scale at times during the day.
I’m also learning to control my hunger in a positive way instead of restricting. I’m drinking a lot of water, tea, and coffee until it’s time to eat. I try to have set “eating times” – around 8 to 9 for breakfast, 12 for lunch, snack around 2-3, dinner around 6-7. I no longer count calories – I just try to eat a decent portion of whatever I’ve made and to eat only until I’m feeling comfortably full.
And you know what else is cool to me? I’m beating my ED MYSELF, not with the help of a treatment center – I obviously tried that, and it didn’t work for me. For many people, treatment centers DO help … I was just not one of those people. I had to make a choice myself, INSIDE MY HEART AND BRAIN, to get better. And because I made that choice, I’m thriving! And it’s amazing! Eating disorders are arguably a choice and yet not a choice, y’all. It’s complex. Those of us who struggle with them are wired differently somehow, and you *can* make a choice to get better – I’m proof – but it’s not a linear recovery for all, nor is it something that everyone can do, sadly.
I’m aware of the intricacy around ED’s, and I do not wish to imply that it’s easy to recover or that it is simple. Making a choice is simple enough, yes, but it’s following through and committing to that choice whole-heartedly which is decidedly complicated. Many people can recover from ED’s, and many will not. It’s an interesting conundrum to think about for me – what causes an ED, after all, is not exclusive to one thing or another. It’s so damn complicated.
In reprieve from my rant – onto my eats for the day!
I enjoyed 1/3 C of oatmeal with a banana, cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla, salt, and almond milk topped with granola clusters and a spoonful of PB this morning … for some reason, this didn’t taste as good as I originally thought it would, but I was hungry and ate it anyway. I think I’m missing my pumpkin stirred in at the end, but that’s okay. The pic is a little blurry, so I do apologize.
Right before lunch, Luke and I jump-started my damnable Kia and ran a few errands … needless to say, I was ready for lunch around 1!
Lunch today was pretty bare pickings in the apartment – I roasted some carrots and broccoli with salt and lemon pepper, and I topped my veg with fiesta ranch and hummus. I also boiled two eggs and mashed them with honey mustard, S+P. Easy peasy, lemon squeeze-y.
After lunch, I ran a few more errands (trip to the stores, anyone?) and cooked some deer liver (which Luke kindly cleaned and chopped up for me) with sauteed onions, mushrooms, and bacon, and I sauteed Luke some zucchini to take to work tonight.
I wasn’t terribly hungry for my snack today, so I stuck with a kombucha …
Today’s nightly nosh was deer liver sauteed with bacon, onions, and mushrooms, and a side salad of fresh mixed greens with tomatoes and Sesame Ginger Dressing. Talk about HOLY YUM, y’all. Something about liver just always hits the spot to me, and I think it’s the iron in it or some other nutrient/mineral. This dinner was a total delight!
Today has been a great day mental health-wise. I’ve been in a good mood, and I felt positive and upbeat most of the day. I picked up 5 out of my 7 medications today, and that made me a very happy girl (I hate running to the pharmacy across town constantly, so this was a nice change – I just need my Xanax and my Rexulti, but I’m good on those for now, so no biggie).
In other news, I’m considering getting a belly button piercing to celebrate my victories over my eating disordered behaviors. Now, my days can be far from perfect (especially with my thoughts, but I don’t often give into them) – I’ve made so much progress that I feel it’s time to celebrate my victories in some way or another. I already have three tattoos on my wrists, so I’m not thinking I want another tattoo … I think a belly button piercing may just be the ticket! Thoughts?
Have a great one, my friends and family! 🙂