In a Ho-Hum Mood

Howdy there! How are you doing today? My mood was rather blah today. I don’t know what was up – I had a restless sleep last night and woke up several times. The weather was cold too, and I know for a fact that my mood is affected by the weather. I do so much better on warm, sunny days, not so much on cooler ones. I can’t tell if I was a touch depressed or just simply ho-hum about life today … Luke said I wasn’t acting depressed, so I’m thinking I was just being BLAH. My mood did take a dip towards depression by evening, which is not great news. But nothing terrible happened in the bipolar department today.

Breakfast

To be honest, I wasn’t too hungry for breakfast this morning. 😦 I don’t know what was up, but I delayed it for as long as I could. I just ended up eating an Icelandic Skyr yogurt with half a banana. I love this yogurt (cheese? I learned on Bizarre Foods that skyr is technically a cheese because I’m a massive food geek), it has 15 grams of protein in a serving, which is amazing!

Lunch

Still feeling a bit blah and unimaginative, I made a completely uninspired lunch – I roasted some broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, asparagus, and carrot with Lawry’s Seasoning, and I topped them with some jalapeno ranch and hummus.

This meal was meatless, but that’s okay – it was very filling to me. Sometimes I just gotta get my veggies in.

After lunch, Luke and I loaded up his truck with items to store in my mom’s attic, and we drove to my mom’s house to unload. Then we ran by Natural Grocers to meet Luke’s friend, Marc, and I wanted to check out some cacao powder for my coffee in the morning.

Here’s what I bought:

Snack

I had the rest of my banana with some PB and cinnamon.

Luke and Caprica were chilling this afternoon …

… and Calliope was resting on the Xbox while Persephone was rolling on the floor, wanting attention.

Workout

Despite my so-so mood, Luke and I did chest day – we worked out for about 40 minutes, and I impressed myself by doing 50 lbs on the chest press (I usually am at 40 lbs).

Post-Workout Snack

I wasn’t starving after working out, but I needed a little something-something to tide me over until dinner, so I cut up 1/2 of a cucumber, added salt, and placed it in some hummus with jalapeno ranch. Easy peasy.

I didn’t eat very much hummus or ranch on these – I served myself waaay to much ranch, but that’s okay, I’ll save it for another day.

Dinner

Luke was craving a steak today, but we decided to save money and go with hamburgers instead.

I started my dinner off at 6:30 with a portion of bagged Country Ranch salad from United … I just love bagged salads because they’re so easy!

By hamburger time at 7, however, my mood had dipped into a depression, and I began thinking about not having a hamburger to punish myself for a minor indiscretion pointed out by my husband (and why I became depressed). Restrictive thinking at it’s finest, y’all … whenever I feel that I’ve done something wrong, I immediately go down that route.

I eventually decided to eat my hamburger and topped it with American cheese, tomato, avocado, pickles, and BBQ sauce.

I also had a kombucha as an after dinner drink.

Alrighty, that’s my spiel for today. Tonight I’m working on self-care and self-preservation from this depression, which sucks, but it must be done. I have a feeling I’ll be going to bed early tonight.

Hope you’ve had a good day,

~ Mandy

A Letter to Myself + A Lazy Day in the Life + WIAW

Howdy, howdy! How are you doing today?

Today I’m sharing a letter with myself on NOT overtaking my pills and running out … I did that this weekend, and I have been UTTERLY MISERABLE, which is why I’ve been MIA on here.

Dear Self,

You overtook your Xanax this weekend and were left high and dry for THREE DAYS. This is NOT good. It’s a miserable experience for EVERYONE involved, not just for you. You have seizures (yep, I had a seizure two days ago while cooking Luke breakfast, and I ended up banging my head on the concrete floor, not to mention the soreness that comes with seizures), your eyes get out of whack, you can’t sleep, you barely eat, you barely shower, you wander around the apartment humming like a damn zombie, you have hot and cold flashes, you feel like SHIT, you can’t drive, you can’t do anything FUN like work out because you’re going through HELLISH WITHDRAWAL. You *don’t need to overtake* those meds. It’s ridiculous, and I won’t tolerate that issue again. I’m not very thrilled with myself, as you might imagine. It’s an impulse control issue, and it’s OKAY to not feel perfect ALL OF THE TIME. Throwing more pills into your system just screws you up. Luke can’t sleep when this happens, you can’t sleep when this happens, it’s JUST MISERABLE. DON’T DO IT AGAIN. It’s IMPORTANT. It’s just like drinking alcohol – you DON’T HAVE TO DO IT, and it’s not worth it.

Please take this to heart, Self,

~Mandy

Now onto the bones of the post – my Day in the Life on Wednesday, 3/21! Today was a lazy day as I didn’t feel up to working out, but that’s okay! It’s also What I Ate Wednesday, so here ya go!

9:00 a.m. – At 9 on the dot, I wake up with a start! I can’t believe I’ve slept so long, but I did (since 8:30 last night) – my body needs the sleep to recover, I tell myself. Luke has forgotten to set his alarm for school and is running late. I make coffee for us very quickly and get Luke out the door. I then take my first Xanax of the day and my Buspar.

9:30 a.m. – I check my email and start this blog post (I had written the letter to myself yesterday). I also make some breakfast – two eggs over easy with Luke’s Dad’s homemade enchilada sauce and chilies, and a piece of whole wheat toast with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and jam. Coffee to drink.

I also *finally* order two more Happiness Runs Tanks from Free People since I basically live in mine well as a Skinny Charm Headband in Star/Ivory as my “fun thing for the month.” I CANNOT WAIT for my Abs2bfitness Pants to arrive too … they have yet to ship, but they mentioned on the website that they’re backed up. I’m hoping they come sometime in April.

10:30 a.m. – I take my shower and put on my makeup, do my hair.

11:00 a.m. – I run to Walmart for some expensive supplies (hello kitty litter and Tide) and upon return, Luke is back and in bed reading. I take my second Xanax around 11:30. My run to Walmart was relatively warm – I only needed a light jacket, and I’m super stoked that it’s FINALLY springtime!

12:00 p.m. – I start to think about lunch and set some Brussels sprouts, broccoli, and carrot with EVOO, balsamic vinegar, S+P, and garlic powder in the oven to roast.

After the veg is done, I place them on a bed of lettuce and top with hot chicken breast and two slices of bacon with jalapeno ranch and BBQ sauce. This meal was delicious! The bacon and the BBQ really made it yummy.

1 – 2:00 p.m. – I’m not sure what happened, but I ended back in bed and half- asleep! I guess my body is trying to recover from my rough-ass few days without Xanax. I’m so glad I’m back on it for sure!

Luke was up by the time I woke up and was cuddling with Caprica on the couch.

2:15 p.m. – I want a snack, so I make a banana with Nutzo PB, chia seeds, oats, and honey.

I also make a mug of hot tea and tried to just chill out a bit. My stomach soon became unhappy, so I took some Tums. At this point, working out looks like it’s not going to happen today … I am just too tired. Calliope was looking at me judgmentally while I thought about this:

Little shit looks like she’s telling me to get off my ass and hit the gym. Sorry, kitty, it’s prolly not gonna happen today, as poopy as that is. I snatch her up and demand that Luke snap a pic!

3:00 p.m. – I also make poor Luke snap a pic of me to ensure that I’m, in fact, not getting fat. I do this from time to time, and I sure ain’t fat! I’m lookin’ BANGING (despite the angle this picture was taken from – Luke was sitting on the couch and I was standing above him, so my head looks teeny). I weigh about 130-132 lbs at this point. 😉 I don’t check everyday. My goal is to be a muscular 140 – 145 lbs, with lots of hard work and time.

Also, I’m IN LOVE with my new nose ring – it’s the right gauge, finally, and it’s not flimsy and stays put. PERFECTION. I also take my third Xanax around 3:00 (I take one right when I wake up, one around 10 – 11, one around 2-3, and then one around 6-7). It seems like I take a lot of Xanax, and I do, but the dosage works for me. It’s when I overtake them that we have a MAJOR problem!

3:45 p.m. – Luke and I run to Pak-a-Sak and grab drinks … I get a diet Sprite with fresh limes and lemons. Luke observed as we were going up the stairs that my calves are now no longer skinnier than my damn knees, so huzzah! Do I still have issues with my body image? OF COURSE I DO. I worry that I’m fat far too often, and I often need extra encouragement from my husband to tell me that I’m absolutely not fat and am simply looking HEALTHIER.

4:00 p.m. – I vacuum and clean up the apartment after Luke knocked down copious amounts of cat hair and dust from the walls in our bathroom earlier. 😦 YUCK! I cleaned the fridge last night too, which was a big improvement. We also take some deer that was soaking in milk for about a week out and assess it – it smells like sour milk, so we toss it, and I thaw a new batch in the sink. Then I paint my nails. 🙂

I also have a snack of celery and cherry tomatoes with salt, hummus, and a bit of jalapeno ranch, easy peasy. I was craving cucumbers, but we’re fresh out, so I need to grab more at the store.

5:00 p.m. – I clean the cabinets. Huzzah! Our little apartment is slowly but surely getting cleaner. Luke plays Destiny 2, and I make him some cinnamon sugar toast to snack on.

6:00 p.m. – I make a Boar’s Head ham and American cheese sandwich for dinner with avocado, tomatoes, and pickles with honey mustard. Tasty! I love ham and cheese sandwiches. 🙂

I also make some hot Moroccan Mint Tea and chillax by reading Facebook and Twitter.

Around 6:30, I feel that nasty yet familiar twinge of depression setting in. Perhaps I’m worried about my weight and how much I ate today? I’m not sure. I might just be low. Regardless, bipolar depression sucks. It happens to me throughout the day – mania is much rarer for me but more pronounced than depression – and depression really isn’t a fun mood. I wanted to cry, to pout, to curl up in a ball and die.

7:00 p.m. – I’m watching Expedition Unknown and drinking my tea after taking my last Xanax of the day. I’m still in a low mood, although Luke does his best of assure me that I’m looking better than I have in my entire life, poor man. He does his best to reassure me, but it’s hard to push past negative thoughts. He even gets the scale out and lets me weigh myself – 133 lbs (after eating and drinking all day and wearing clothes).

7:40 p.m. – I make a mug sugar cookie (no pic) and try to enjoy it. Sometimes I wonder that I deprive myself of all of life’s food-y pleasures, such as sweets, and I just need something sweet every now and then.

8:00 p.m. – I take a hot bath and try to relax and dispel the depression. Some days are just better than others, and I think my decision to not work out today hit me hard tonight.

8:30 p.m. – I make yet another mug cookie (peanut butter this time) and try to shut off those negative thoughts. Afterwards, I brush my teeth and take my cocktail of meds which keep me stable-ish and help me sleep.

9:30 p.m. – It’s lights out for me! I go to sleep feeling satisfied and a bit better.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading a bit about my day … it was a PAIN IN THE ASS to write, but I did have fun regardless.

Til soon,

~ Mandy

 

 

A Few Thoughts During NEDA Week

Hello, hello! How are you doing today? It’s NEDA week, so I needed to do a post!

In case you are new here, my name is Mandy, and I’ve struggled with eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia) for nearly 18 years since I was 15 years old. I’m now 33 and and consider myself in recovery at this point in time (I relapsed about 6 months ago, so I do consider myself at risk to some extent) … here’s my story …

Eating disorders don’t discriminate, y’all. They don’t care how great your life is, what race you are, your age, sex, weight, height, etc. They are horrible mental illnesses that take away every aspect of your life and can eventually take your life too. I struggled for nearly 18 years with bulimia and anorexia, but I finally decided to fight back after my last relapse. I utterly exhausted and slowly dying from the daily and constant struggle, the vomiting, the abstaining, the worry over the stupid number of calories in a tic tac. Below is me at my lowest weight.

I was a miserable mess with my ED, as you can see in the above pic. That facial expression pretty much exemplifies the eating disorder – it’s a SAD, lonely life to live, a deadly one.

Truth be told, however, I was ultimately inspired to end my ED behaviors by my husband Luke and his two friends, Marc and Sam, who are all really into weightlifting. They truly inundated me with ideas of being fit and healthy and strong, not sickly and bony, and have encouraged me to be the same way.

Sam works at Total Nutrition and helped me with a nutritional plan and a few supplements to aid muscle weight, which is amazing. And lifting with Luke is a joy because I’ve seen so much progress in him (and Luke is HOT AF when he lifts, ha!) – Luke started out at about 150 lbs and is now up to 175 with a goal of about 185-200 lbs. He says he sees a ton of progress in me too, although I can barely see it. I guess that’s part of it – he can’t see as much progress in himself, and I can’t see that much progress in myself, but we see it in each other and encourage each other to keep going!

My goal is to be around 145 lbs and very muscular, maybe even 150 lbs (because I’m 5’10”) … to think I started out at 110 lbs is scary now. I was SO SICK then, hot damn! I started following several Instagram accounts of female lifters, and they’re an inspiration too, especially Sarah Bowmar … I want to be like her, y’all. She hunts wild game too and seems to be a genuinely honest person who shares a ton of my views on life.

All in all, I’m still new to this whole “living without an ED” thing, y’all. I just started working out again with vigor about two months ago. I’m not going to become othorexic either, that’s a major goal here too as I have obsessive tendencies. I just want to be fit, healthy, and STRONG. I want to look like a girl who could kick some ass and not be a teeny, tiny, sickly little shrimp anymore.

When we are hungry, our bodies want nutrients, not calories! It’s taken me YEARS to learn this little fact and to accept that it’s perfectly okay to have a full belly. Heck, I ate a shit ton of fried deer and gravy last night because I was HUNGRY, and it was so wonderful to feel satisfied with protein in my tummy.

I am simply a girl who got *tired* of living with ED behaviors after 18 long years and who was very inspired by my husband and his friends to weight lift and get strong. I’ve gained about 20 lbs from my low weight of 110 lbs, and I’m doing GREAT without that damn scale in my life.

I’m at a healthy weight now, my muscles are starting to actually show, and I’m looking very good (which is a new perspective for me – I used to think that bone thin looked good). I’m slowly rewiring my brain to think that strong and muscular is the new sexy, not skinny and bony. Plus, my worth is not determined by a value of my gravitational pull on a scale, period. My self worth is wrapped up in my attitude, my positive behaviors, my health, my fitness, my desire to be an honest, good, happy person, not a number on a scale.

I’ve been lifting each day and feeling *amazing* when I do – I’ve gone to a higher weight on my triceps and the preacher curls, which feels insanely good. Slowly but surely, I’m getting stronger. I’m doing several hundred sit ups each day too, hooray! Sit ups are therapy for me – they’re easy until they become too hard, and then I stop and take a break. I do them in rounds of about 30 – 40 at a time and then rest my muscles.

In Other News

The kitties are gaga over the new scratching post that we got them last night (the old one was torn up and filthy, so we finally grabbed a new one at Petsmart along with some other kitty and snake essentials).

Just look at those big ol’ eyes on Persephone! So sweet.

Scratch, scratch, sniff, sniff, goes Caprica.

Calliope just glares at the camera – “leave me to my scratching, woman”!

Random, but I also ordered two pairs of pants from abs2bfitness.com … I ordered a pair of Army Green capris and a pair of Side Strings Shorts in a gray color. I’ll do a review of them once they come, but remember to use the code “bowmar” at checkout for 15% off! 🙂 I’m SUPER excited to get them.

Alrighty, onto my eats and workout for the day!

Breakfast

I started off with an opal apple and Tajin Seasoning this morning around 7:30. I needed something in my tummy, and this hit the spot! Coffee throughout the morning too.

I had to get out and run a few errands (picking up meds, visiting my mom) this morning, so my mind wasn’t really on food, thank goodness. My apple lasted me until 10:30, when I had a Brown Cow yogurt with some peanut butter protein granola. I just *love* Brown Cow yogurt, you guys. It’s so creamy and yummy!

After my second breakfast, I did laundry, the dishes, cleaned up the surfaces in the apartment, cleaned out the snake cage and gave him more substrate, and did my daily duty of cleaning out the cat box and cat area. I was busy! 🙂

Drogo was out exploring today after I changed his bedding – he’s getting so big and fat (we fed him later in the day too, so he was a happy boy)!

Lunch

I got rather creative today with lunch – I had some leftover lemon pepper chicken, so I shredded a small portion, and then I boiled an egg, cooked three pieces of bacon (because bacon makes everything better), and roasted some broccoli, carrots, and yellow squash (baked with EVOO, S+P). I made a nice salad, using a bed of romaine and leftover chopped greens as a base, and then added some cherry tomatoes, the baked veg and the proteins, and topped them all with a creamy red pepper dressing.

This was an AWESOME salad, y’all. I thoroughly enjoyed the variety in it, and I savored it slowly. I do believe I’ll be making this again. 😉 This was a bigger lunch for me, but I ate it all!

Workout

Okay, gym confession – today it was overcast and cool, and Luke and I were both iffy about working out. However, we needed to do chest day, so we decided to go for it! It was *exhausting.* But we DID it! Here are some crappy pics of me looking angry during our workout (the lighting at Verdure is terrible). Today I resolved to try more time on the stair-master machine to try to improve my butt and calves … we shall see if that comes to pass!

Snack

After hitting the gym, I had to make a trip to Walmart and United for food. This was terribly tiring, especially after our workout, so I needed a snack around 4:30, soon after coming home. I had a mint chip brownie Larabar, a kiwi (I eat them with the skin on after a good washing), and a Holy Kombucha raspberry pomegranate tea, which tasted absolutely amazing-balls.

After my snack, I snapped a pic of my dapper hubby, who had a speech tonight over the pro’s and con’s of vaccinations (we’re pro-vac, in case you might wonder. Duh, the man wants to be a physician’s assistant, so it’s natural). He’s trying to grow his normally shaved hair out, and tomorrow we’re going to Cathy, my hairstylist, to see what she recommends he do with it as it grows. He cleans up nicely, doesn’t he?! 😉

Dinner

I tried a new recipe via Pinterest – One Pot Cheesy Taco Pasta (made, in my case, with ground venison). I admittedly was drawn to this dish because it’s a) cheap, b) we had most of the ingredients already, and c) it’s easy AF. Plus it can be made with ground venison (I always soak ours in milk for a day beforehand), which we have PLENTY of … seriously, we’re overflowing with deer. I served mine on a bed of leftover chopped salad greens with some cherry tomatoes and a drizzle of jalapeno ranch dressing.

The verdict? IT WAS GOOD! I had reservations about it because it was so simple, but this tasted very delicious. Definitely a keeper recipe!

Mental Health

I had a great day despite feeling tired overall plus a somewhat stressful misunderstanding at the pharmacy when I picked up my Xanax (I just made a quick call to my nurse, and she helped me out, as always). Mood was stable, anxiety wasn’t too bad. I’m SO GRATEFUL for my good meds, y’all. Meds are absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in this world – if they help you, TAKE THEM. For me, they represent self-care and self-preservation, two things which are essential. Counseling is also nothing to be ashamed of – I’m currently taking a break with Brenda because things have been going so well, but I surely will text her the second I need her help again.

I hope this post will help someone else struggling out there. If you’re struggling, keep fighting the good fight. YOU CAN RECOVER. If you’re fully recovered, GOOD FOR YOU and keep on truckin’!

Have a great night, y’all!

~ Mandy 🙂

 

Jumpsuits + Mania

Howdy there! How are you doing today? I tried doing sit ups this morning, and man oh man, I was too sore to do them, so it was a rest day for my abs. I did several hundred sit ups yesterday, after all, so they needed to chill out today. I had quite the interesting and crazy day, so let’s begin with breakfast!

Breakfast

I had my usual three egg scramble around 8 this morning along with three slices of turkey bacon and two turkey sausages. Coffee with stevia and cashew milk to drink. This is my go-to breakfast at this point, y’all.

I had a banana with almond butter around 10 too. I get hungrier in the mornings now that I’m working out daily.

Lunch

I roasted some carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, and eggplant with EVOO and S+P, and I ate them on a small bed of spinach with some roasted red pepper sauce and a Dr. Praeger’s veggie burger. A pretty straightforward lunch – veggies + a type of protein (we’re low on protein right now, so I reached for a veggie burger today).

In the early afternoon, I had MAJOR ANXIETY. I’m not sure if I was semi-manic plus had anxiety or not, but it certainly felt that way. I was zippy but too out-of-sorts to do anything productive. Soon enough, I calmed down after a few extra Gapabentin, and I was able to feel more like myself (until later, as you’ll soon see).

Luke was napping, and Calliope made herself very comfortable next to his leg! So stinkin’ cute!

Snack

Around 3, I had a mango with Tajin Seasoning and some Orange Cinnamon Tea from Seattle.

I was also needing some carbs, so I had some pretzels and hummus. 🙂 Yummy. Those tasted so DELIGHTFUL. I’m trying to watch my bread-y carb intake, but I needed some pretzels this afternoon.

Mental Health and Eating Disorder Discussion

Soon after my snack, I became MANIC AF, y’all. I CLEANED and CLEANED and CLEANED. Seriously, I got under the couch, table, bed, in the crevices, EVERYWHERE – just imagine cat hair flying around like crazy and me chasing it around with the vacuum.

AHHHH, mania can be FUN. But make no mistake, it’s a hellish type of fun, I assure you … you’re literally OUT OF CONTROL of your mind and are zippy, zippy, zippy … you feel like you can do ANYTHING, no limits … this has gotten me into trouble before though, so I try to keep my activities to deep cleaning and working out. (I also try not to drive while manic, so thankfully the gym is within walking distance of the apartment).

As I was taking out the trash in a most manic fashion (sans shoes and wearing only socks, a crop top, and joggers in 46 degree weather), the mailman came with my coveted package from Free People – I had ordered the Olympus Longline jumpsuit, and it finally came! I ordered an XS, and it fits PERFECTLY! Here’s a pic of me, sans makeup and looking crazy AF, in my new duds. HUZZAH!

I told ya I was getting more muscular around my middle, and it really shows in this pic – I’m coming to terms with it, and I’m realizing how *strong* my body was meant to be, not skinny and frail. I’m getting STRONGER, HEALTHIER, HAPPIER, and if you struggle with an eating disorder, YOU CAN TOO. I’ve struggled for nearly 18 years, and at 33 years old, I’m taking back my life and my sanity. It’s totally doable … and I’m just here to share my story and encourage others to do the same.

I’m REALLY looking forward to having bigger biceps and triceps, and I’m on my way! I just want to be bigger all around, muscular and looking like I could kick some ass and not be a shrimp. Truth be told, I felt so BEAUTIFUL in these pictures, even though my hair and makeup weren’t done at all. I felt powerful, ready to take on the world (but that’s also part of the mania).

Remember when I used to look like this about half a year ago?

I am no longer that girl, and I *never want to be that girl again.* I am a strong woman who is working on getting her gains and health back! Since that picture, I’d say I’ve put on about 20-23 lbs … I don’t weigh everyday anymore, so I’m not certain of my current weight, but I’d say it’s between around the high 120’s and the low 130’s.

Workout

(As a side note, the water in our apartment wasn’t turning on after I was done with the majority of my cleaning, so I ran down to the office … they said a pipe burst and that they were working on it, poop!)

Since the water was out and I couldn’t clean more without it, I decided to put my mania to good use and went to the gym – I did the elliptical for 30 minutes at breakneck speed and felt MUCH better. If you struggle with mania, I *highly* suggest the gym. It’s so therapeutic and gets out the zippy energy. I left the gym feeling amazing.

Dinner

After my workout, I wasn’t feeling too hungry at all, but I had a tangelo with Tajin.

I was feeling more snacky than hungry around 6:30, so I had some Boar’s Head turkey with cheddar cheese and red pepper dressing. Protein, delicious protein! 😉 Tea to drink.

For dessert around 7:15, I had a Brown Cow raspberry yogurt with fresh raspberries and honey. All I can say is DELICIOUS. I am a huge fan of Brown Cow’s consistency and taste.

And that, my friends, concludes my crazy day. Again, I hope I’m helping others out there with eating disordered behaviors by posting my meals every now and then, and I hope I’m helping people with bipolar disorder and/or panic disorder too. My little blog is a rather fun hobby, but I’m hoping that I’m ultimately helping others by posting on here. 🙂

Until next time,

~ Mandy

Arm Day + Kitty Shenanigans

Hello there! How are you doing today?

The three kitt lits were very busy this morning with banging and crashing … naturally when I got up, I found them in repose, no cares in the world, acting as if nothing had happened.

Breakfast

I had some hot banana pumpkin oatmeal for breakfast this morning, huzzah! I love me some oatmeal, y’all. My mix was about 1/2 C of Quaker Oats, 1 C of cashew milk, 1 tbsp chia seeds, a banana, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, and vanilla with pumpkin stirred in at the end. I added some chocolate protein granola and a spoonful of white chocolate PB as toppers. Yum, yum! This hearty and delicious breakfast made me resist the leftover pizza.

I felt great after breakfast, so I did a shit-ton of sit ups. I’m really trying to get my core looking stronger. I had a hysterectomy back in 2011, and along with my bad ED, my abs were completely shot. Now I’m feeling and seeing a difference for sure – my core is getting thicker and more muscular.

I must say that after years and years of being eating disordered, this is a HUGE change for my perspective about my body. My body is meant to be STRONG and thicker, not super skinny. It’s not an *easy* transition to watch as I’m used to seeing skin and bones, and yes, I still have thoughts that say “you’re getting fat” or “you should throw up your meal” … but I’m not giving into them! I’m so proud that I’m pushing past my ED behaviors and am seeing my body in a new, stronger light, slowly but surely.

Lunch

I wanted some veggies today around noon, as usual, so I roasted broccoli, carrot, and Brussels sprouts with EVOO, S+P, and some garlic powder. I made a nice salad with some spinach and added a palmful of rotisserie turkey to the mix (Calliope tried to eat my turkey and managed to throw some on the floor – damn cat!). I topped my salad with some hummus, salsa, and Whataburger Jalapeno Ranch Dressing (it’s a guilty pleasure). This picture looks so messy and gigantic, but I promise it’s tasty and a good portion for me.

Snack

Around 3, I wanted an opal apple with Tajin Seasoning. Yummers.

Right after my snack, Luke wanted to go to the gym and do arms, so we did just that! Luke said my triceps and my butt are already looking better, so yay!

My arms were *so wobbly* after this workout …. like jello.

After our workout, I made a protein shake and split it with Luke – it had Protein One vanilla protein powder, strawberries, blueberries, milk, and ice in it.

Dinner

Tonight I had half of a small spaghetti squash with spaghetti sauce, chicken, and two leftover bread sticks from Pizza Hut. The bread sticks really filled me up (and truth be told, not feeling all that great), so I ate about 1/4 of the spaghetti squash and chicken.

Now I’m watching Travel Channel and chilling with my hubs … hope you had a good day! 🙂

~ Mandy

New Year Updates

Howdy there! How are you doing today?

We’re low on groceries right now, so I’m keeping things simple ’round these parts today – I plan on going to the store tomorrow and making us a broccoli cheese chicken casserole, and we’re thawing a deer liver right now. I have a New Year’s cooking goal – I want to make us smaller dishes that will last only a day or two instead of baking a large casserole or dish that Luke tires of during the week. We usually waste a portion of those big casseroles, plus it’s less variety, and I want variety and smaller portioned dishes. I hope to be inspired to cook daily, and I’ll share my recipes on here if I try anything new.

I’m also inspired to eat smaller portions, just until I’m lightly full, instead of piling up a giant plate and overeating. I want to be comfortably full, not stuffed and bloated, and I also aspire to drink more water and tea throughout the day to keep my tummy nice and happy.

Now onto my simple eats for the day!

Breakfast

I needed something in my tummy around 8:30, so I had a nice big ol’ banana with PB and honey. Yum, yum! Coffee with stevia and cashew milk to drink, as always.

Calliope was asleep on the Xbox this morning, what a comfy kitty!

And Caprica, well, Caprica was where she always is – by Luke! Luke was on the phone and the computer a ton today before work trying to figure out school registration and the loan, and insurance for a car accident that he was in (it wasn’t his fault, but he still has to deal with the shit). I’m so proud of his decision to go back to school to pursue a PA degree … he’s a smart man and already has a high GPA, but he took about a year off from school to just work and clear his head. Persephone was nestled on the arm of the couch, as per usual. She has such pretty eyes … sweet, nasty kitt lit. Lunch

Around 12, I enjoyed two eggs with S+P and honey mustard and roasted broccoli and carrots with lemon pepper, hummus, and light Fiesta Ranch for lunch. Easy peasy.

TMI – I was having some diarrhea and tummy pain today, so I need to watch what I’m eating as I didn’t have *any* digestive troubles in Seattle. I need to try to replicate what I ate there – I definitely had more bread, butter, rice, more protein and yogurt, and less veggies (particularly broccoli). I ate *some* raw veggies and a few cooked veggies such as asparagus and broccolini there, so more veggies might be the cause of my diarrhea and stomach pain. So that’s where I’ll start – broccoli and other veg. I’ll try eating less of them.

Snack

I had a small Koru apple with Tajin Seasoning as a snack …

I also ate a piece of hot fresh French bread from United with a smear of butter around 3:30.

Dinner

I started dinner off with a cup of Farmer’s Market corn which we had vacuum-sealed … I just sauteed it with some butter and S+P.

A bit later (and after finding out that my car has a dead battery and won’t open, boo!), I had some smoked salmon from Seattle and some crackers. Simple but delish!

I also had some deer sausage, smoked cheddar cheese, crackers, and BBQ sauce since I was still a little hungry after the salmon.

I felt perfectly full after my dinner! Huzzah!

Mental Health

I started my day off evenly, or so I thought. When Luke started navigating his school situation around 10, I became manic for about two hours. Mania for me means feeling ‘zippy’ and hyper, sometimes anxious and chatty, as is what happened today. Then around 2 or 2:30, I fell down into a depression after taking my second Xanax for the day. Weird but not wholly unexpected after the mania. As of now, I’m trying to sort out my feelings and not fret over being low-ish … eating that carb-y piece of French bread with butter and talking to Luke for a bit before he went to work helped. Now I’m just watching Bizarre Foods America, drinking agua, and trying to stay warm! It’s a COLD COLD day out today – I believe it got to 25 degrees but is dropping as I type.

Alrighty, that’s what I’ve got for today. I’ll see if I pull a post together tomorrow or not.

Have a great night, my friends and family!

~ Mandy

 

Being a Badass

Y’all. I have AWESOME news. My eating disordered behaviors are fully AT BAY, and I LOVE IT. I’m eating well-balanced meals which are hearty and delicious. My weight is STABLE. I’m exercising again. My moods are STABLE. My life is becoming stabler and stabler without the constant struggle of an eating disorder on top of a mood/panic disorder. My Xanax has truly been a godsend to me as it’s time release, and I can’t throw it up in order for it to work … HUGE incentive to try and move past all ED behaviors as I need my Xanax to keep panic attacks fully at bay. And it’s ALL WORKING together!

I’m feelin’ pretty damn BADASS, y’all. I’m actually looking forward to Christmas in Seattle without worrying about what I’m going to eat, if I’m allowed to eat, etc. etc. and I’m honestly just enjoying life to the fullest right now!

I bought a new E-Book by Sarah Bowmar today called Wild Game Wild Gains and am planning on trying some of her venison recipes as I need some inspiration when it comes to fixing my deer – I often get stuck in the chili rut and need to branch out as we have a TON of venison headed our way in a few weeks.

I didn’t log my breakfast or lunch today – for the record, I had oatmeal for breakfast, and some roasted veggies with hummus and an apple for lunch – but I did start logging my eats after that, so here ya go!

Snack

Around 3:30, I had a cup of delicious fresh red raspberries – let it snow sugar (but not too, too much)!

I also had a Synergy Trilogy kombucha around 4:30 … I just love me some kombucha, y’all!

At 5:00, I had some Boar’s Head sweet ham, a slice of Pepperjack cheese, and some honey mustard for dipping. Easy peasy, yummy protein!

Dinner

To start dinner off, I had a cup of some leftover Asian salad that we had last night, and I added some extra Sesame Ginger Sauce to it. This was a lovely little hunger-killer for me.

About an hour after my teeny salad, I had some leftover fresh deer liver (sauteed with onions, mushrooms, and bacon) and some roasted broccoli and cauliflower with Fiesta Ranch. Y’all. Something about liver tastes absolutely divine to my tongue. I was nice and full after this meal, yum-o!

I’m just doing so well, and I hate to jinx myself by saying so, but I truly am thriving. It’s truly a thrill to thrive.

In kitty news, the cats all LOVE IT when Luke plays his Xbox – Caprica sits in his arms, Persephone lays on the couch and gets tummy-rub-rubs, and Calliope loves sleeping on the warm box!

Well, that’s all I’ve got for today! Hope you’re healthy and happy today!

~ Mandy