Purge is in the Past

Howdy there! How are you doing today?

I’m happy to report that my binge and purge urges are almost completely *gone.* Seriously, y’all, this is BEYOND thrilling – it’s something that I never thought I’d live without feeling constantly, and it’s just amazing to see the change in my brain – I’m much more stable mentally now, I’m on a positive path, and I’m just doing so well that it’s exciting (and a little scary at times).

I’m still experiencing stomach pains, yes, but I know my system is still adjusting to having food in it after nearly 18 years of binging, purging, and restricting (I can’t believe it’s been *that long,* you guys … it’s a terrible way to live, and I do not recommend it to anyone, even my worst enemies). I’m currently at about 124 lbs today (123.8 lbs, to be exact), and I’m just so happy that I’ve adjusted to feeling full (I’m still *not* adjusted to feeling overly full, but that’s understandable, and I try to avoid those situations by simply listening to my tummy), and I have adjusted to knowing that the scale will be higher during the day as I fill up my system with fluids and food.

I used to have a hard time because I was a slave to the scale – I’d step on it constantly throughout the day, and if it was even one ounce over my first weigh-in in the morning, I’d freak out and either purge or restrict or both. It was *that bad.* Now I weigh myself once a day, in the morning after I’ve used the restroom, and then I encourage myself to stay off the scale for the rest of the day as I know that my weight will be higher than my first weigh-in as the day progresses. This is HUGE progress for me, although I admit that I’m tempted to still step on the scale at times during the day.

I’m also learning to control my hunger in a positive way instead of restricting. I’m drinking a lot of water, tea, and coffee until it’s time to eat. I try to have set “eating times” – around 8 to 9 for breakfast, 12 for lunch, snack around 2-3, dinner around 6-7. I no longer count calories – I just try to eat a decent portion of whatever I’ve made and to eat only until I’m feeling comfortably full.

And you know what else is cool to me? I’m beating my ED MYSELF, not with the help of a treatment center – I obviously tried that, and it didn’t work for me. For many people, treatment centers DO help … I was just not one of those people. I had to make a choice myself, INSIDE MY HEART AND BRAIN, to get better. And because I made that choice, I’m thriving! And it’s amazing! Eating disorders are arguably a choice and yet not a choice, y’all. It’s complex. Those of us who struggle with them are wired differently somehow, and you *can* make a choice to get better – I’m proof – but it’s not a linear recovery for all, nor is it something that everyone can do, sadly.

I’m aware of the intricacy around ED’s, and I do not wish to imply that it’s easy to recover or that it is simple. Making a choice is simple enough, yes, but it’s following through and committing to that choice whole-heartedly which is decidedly complicated. Many people can recover from ED’s, and many will not. It’s an interesting conundrum to think about for me – what causes an ED, after all, is not exclusive to one thing or another. It’s so damn complicated.

In reprieve from my rant – onto my eats for the day!

Breakfast

I enjoyed 1/3 C of oatmeal with a banana, cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla, salt, and almond milk topped with granola clusters and a spoonful of PB this morning … for some reason, this didn’t taste as good as I originally thought it would, but I was hungry and ate it anyway. I think I’m missing my pumpkin stirred in at the end, but that’s okay. The pic is a little blurry, so I do apologize.

Lunch

Right before lunch, Luke and I jump-started my damnable Kia and ran a few errands … needless to say, I was ready for lunch around 1!

Lunch today was pretty bare pickings in the apartment – I roasted some carrots and broccoli with salt and lemon pepper, and I topped my veg with fiesta ranch and hummus. I also boiled two eggs and mashed them with honey mustard, S+P. Easy peasy, lemon squeeze-y.

After lunch, I ran a few more errands (trip to the stores, anyone?) and cooked some deer liver (which Luke kindly cleaned and chopped up for me) with sauteed onions, mushrooms, and bacon, and I sauteed Luke some zucchini to take to work tonight.

Snack

I wasn’t terribly hungry for my snack today, so I stuck with a kombucha …

… and an Ambrosia apple with Tajin. Hooray for apples!

Dinner

Today’s nightly nosh was deer liver sauteed with bacon, onions, and mushrooms, and a side salad of fresh mixed greens with tomatoes and Sesame Ginger Dressing. Talk about HOLY YUM, y’all. Something about liver just always hits the spot to me, and I think it’s the iron in it or some other nutrient/mineral. This dinner was a total delight!

Mental Health

Today has been a great day mental health-wise. I’ve been in a good mood, and I felt positive and upbeat most of the day. I picked up 5 out of my 7 medications today, and that made me a very happy girl (I hate running to the pharmacy across town constantly, so this was a nice change – I just need my Xanax and my Rexulti, but I’m good on those for now, so no biggie).

In other news, I’m considering getting a belly button piercing to celebrate my victories over my eating disordered behaviors. Now, my days can be far from perfect (especially with my thoughts, but I don’t often give into them) – I’ve made so much progress that I feel it’s time to celebrate my victories in some way or another. I already have three tattoos on my wrists, so I’m not thinking I want another tattoo … I think a belly button piercing may just be the ticket! Thoughts?

Have a great one, my friends and family! 🙂

~ Mandy

On Eating With an Eating Disordered Past

Howdy y’all! Today I had a FABULOUS workout with my hubs. Here are a few pics of what we did …

I’m looking SO MUCH BETTER and am feeling amazing-balls!

Today I primarily want to talk about EATING. Eating is pure hell to a person with an eating disorder – your mind is *constantly* on food, calories, what you can eat, what you shouldn’t eat, when you should eat, if you should throw up, etc. It’s hard to explain to someone who’s never suffered from an ED, but a person with eating disordered behavior both loves and despises food at the same time, from my experience; it’s equal to that of a full time job plus overtime battling these thoughts.

You lust after food, it’s like a bad lover to you when you have an ED. You lust after it, yet you despise every bite that you take – it disgusts you, yet you desire it so badly. It’s a dichotomy and a conundrum.

When I was suffering the worst from my ED (18 years of it, y’all), I’d binge eat to satisfy my lust for food and then vomit it all up … I’d restrict my intake in despair, thinking that if I could control my eating, then I’d be ultimately in control of my body and weight.

It’s all one big FAT lie, just as a toxic lover is … you think you’re in control by vomiting, by restricting … you ARE NOT IN CONTROL. Food is in control. You are a slave to food, and you secretly know it – pure destruction occurs when you’re a slave to food, and it’s a scary, shitty life to live.

But let me tell you something that I’ve slowly but surely learned: eating is not scary and does not have to be a constant battle in your mind! People who aren’t eating disordered simply eat until they’re full and then stop. People who aren’t eating disordered are not slaves to food, they control it with ease – just like a car, they “gas up” their bodies with food daily in order to have energy to run. This concept has always been foreign to me until recently, to be honest. Deep into my eating disorder, I couldn’t *fathom* that most people do not make a production about food or have constant food-related thoughts. I thought that, surely, they must be somehow always thinking about food, what they should eat or not eat, etc. etc.

Eating is truly becoming very simple now for me. I eat only when I’m HUNGRY. Yes, sometimes it’s hard for me to dictate when I’m truly hungry after years of binging and purging and then eating again, etc. but I’m learning my body’s needs. I’m *learning,* and that’s a major take-away here … it’s not an overnight fix, my friends. It takes time to adjust to eating a normal diet, as a person with an ED’s concept of normal is an abnormal take and an all-encompassing one at that!

Food no longer is forefront in my mind. Yes, I think about it more than most people do, I’m sure, as I consistently have little “hunger check ins” with myself where I take a moment to take a deep breath, listen to my tummy and my system, and I see if I’m truly hungry and not just emotionally so. But now it’s not this constant battle between me and eating/food, and I’m so PROUD of my progress.

(As a side note, as a former bulimic, my stomach has been producing too much stomach acid still, and I often have to take Pepto Bismol after lunch and through the afternoon. By dinnertime, the pain is usually gone. After my trip to Seattle, I’ll be headed to my primary care doc to talk to him about this little issue.)

But eating is just that – eating. It’s quite simple when you think about the car analogy – you fill up your body so it can run. You don’t have to fill up your tank to completely full, no, to run for a decent time, but if you restrict your fuel down to zero, your body won’t work properly at all, and you don’t want to overfill your tank either, as you probably won’t feel very good.

I’ve been enjoying banana pumpkin oatmeal with granola and PB around 8 in the morning, and that’s my biggest meal of the day. I sometimes have an apple with Tajin as a snack in the late morning, if I’m starting to feel peckish, but usually the oatmeal keeps me satisfied until lunch. At lunch, I typically roast some veggies and eat them with hummus and light dressing, or I have a yogurt with berries with a boiled egg. Sometimes I eat my apple around then too if I’m still hungry. I drink hot tea and water throughout the day. My snack often consists of a kombucha or a Snappy Tom (it’s a V8 type drink with extra spice) and possibly some deer sausage with cheese, crackers, and pepper jelly if I’m feeling hungry. Dinner is usually a moderate portion of whatever I’ve cooked for Luke, such as deer stir fry, deer spaghetti, or deer enchiladas (I should post recipes for all of these venison concoctions) and a side salad (usually spinach, sometimes with tomato and other veggies). This menu is pretty typical of me right now.

One trick that I’ve learned about seeing if I’m full is to wait 20 minutes after I eat before eating anything else. 20 minutes is about how long your brain to process if you’re full or not. I often ask myself this: does an apple or do carrots sound satisfying? If so, then I’m probably still hungry. If not – and usually that’s the answer – then I’m definitely full and satisfied and don’t need anymore fuel at the time, which is perfectly FINE!

A relationship with food doesn’t have to be complicated, I’m learning. It’s pretty damn simple when you get right down to it, but don’t tell that to a person struggling with an eating disorder as they’ll certainly tell you otherwise – their relationship with food is complicated, hateful, loving, and a constant chore to keep up with in their brains.

I’m so PROUD of where I’ve come from in my journey to health and happiness, y’all. I’m not much of a writer, and it’s terribly hard to describe my past relationship with food as it was just a nightmare, but it *is* easier to describe my current situation with eating because it’s pretty simple. I eat to fill up my gas tank and to get through my day. I don’t eat emotionally anymore, I don’t feel the need to vomit or restrict.

As for my weight, I’m slowly but surely acclimating to the idea that my body  naturally wants to weigh more than 110 lbs. I’m a tall girl (5’10”), and I’m built to be naturally more muscular and thick. And guess what? That’s perfectly FINE. I’m currently at 123 – 125 lbs, and I think I’m meant to be around 125 – 135 lbs, so I’ve still go a ways to go, but I’m hoping to build muscle – I now want to look like I could kick some ass and not be a sickly, skinny waif (a major shift in thinking for me).

After typing this all out, I’m left reflecting on my past eating disordered behaviors and thoughts, and man oh man, it was just PURE HELL. I’m SO BLESSED to be out of that hellish thinking and to be free of the hellish behaviors. I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m recovering, and I’m over some major bumps in the road. I realize that many people do not have the chance to recover or the will, and you know what, I can’t judge them. I’ve been there. I understand all too well. Yes, I feel sorry for them – I pity them in their struggle. And that’s why I write on this blog – I hope my story might resonate with someone else who’s struggling and inspire them to start transitioning into recovery.

Do you struggle with an eating disorder? Have you ever had eating disordered thoughts? What is your opinion on the business of eating – is it simple for you, or do you battle it?

Thank you for reading today, my friends and family. This was an interesting post to write for me as it caused me to truly reflect upon my past and my present … it’s on my mind now, and I’m just processing my journey still. I’m blessed to be *so close* to full recovery that it’s crazy! It’s something that I never would have imagined after 18 years of eating disordered behaviors and thinking.

I hope you have a great evening, I want to leave y’all with this message: you ARE enough.

~ Mandy

 

 

Saturday Musings – Recovery Isn’t Easy, Medications Make You Stronger, A Workout, and Filet Mignon

Howdy there and Happy Saturday! My day has been fabulous, and I hope yours has too!

I want to talk more about recovery today. Recovery is *hard,* y’all. It’s definitely not linear, but I truly feel that I’ve gotten through the harder parts of it and am coasting into an easier transition with loving my body at a higher weight, eating a healthy variety of foods, and exercising. I found this image online, and it speaks the simple truth: Obviously I relapsed earlier this fall when I hit 110 lbs, so yes, recovery isn’t linear to me at all, and it *still* isn’t. I’m doing my best not to regress or stagnate in any areas, although I admit that I struggle when I step on the scale and see a number that’s higher than I’m used to seeing for so many years. I do wake up and immediately wonder what my weight is today … my routine is to get out of bed, go to the bathroom, put in my contacts, take off my clothes, and then weigh myself. I’d like to change this routine and simply weigh myself a few times a week, not everyday, but right now, it’s what I’ve been doing.

Honestly though, I’m feeling less anxiety over seeing the number on the scale and am slowly just letting it be. If I weigh a few pounds over my “happy weight,” then I’m okay with that, and that’s exactly what happened today – I weighed 2 lbs over my current average weight, and I didn’t let it sabotage the rest of my day. I simply thought “okay, well that’s what my body wants to weigh today, so be it!” and went along with my life. I didn’t punish myself for my weight, I didn’t freak out … I just made myself some oatmeal with pumpkin, banana, and PB and enjoyed breakfast without a thought of restricting or purging, and then I went about my morning without much thought of that silly ol’ number.

This little piece (also found on the Internet) spoke to me today too …

This all is SO TRUE. I am growing stronger because I know my weaknesses and am learning to combat them in a constructive way, I am much wiser from my mistakes in the past (which is just that – the past), and I can laugh because I have known great sadness in my life. My ED was a cause of much of my issues for 18 years (not to mention alcoholism, bipolar disorder, etc.), and now I’m moving past them and can truly enjoy just being the *Mandy* I know I am inside! And she’s a joyful, grateful, humbled person, a person that I’m learning to love. Indeed, you don’t need to be perfect – I’m trying to be inspiring with how I deal with my imperfections, as I’ve struggled for so stinkin’ long and am just now truly learning how to channel my old destructive habits into positive ones:

And I know this image (found on the ‘Net) is hard to read, but it screamed out to me “POST ME ON THE BLOG,” so I’m going to:

If you can’t read it, it says “Taking medication does not, and will not ever, make you weak.” A THOUSAND TIMES YES. I’m on a gigantic medication cocktail due to my bipolar disorder, panic disorder, and PTSD, and medication does not make me weak, In fact, it makes me stronger as it keeps me as STABLE as it possibly can. Some days are better than others in the mood and anxiety department, yes, but I can sit here and type in truth that my meds are lifesavers for me, and I’m very grateful for my psychiatrist and counselor. If it were back in the 1930’s, I’m sure I would have already wound up in a mental institution, and we all know the horror stories about those, so I’m very blessed to have my meds and my doctors.

Alrighty, that’s my “eating disorder and mental health awareness” spiel for the day, but I want to share a few bites and pieces from my Saturday with you all, since it was a very good day. 🙂

Luke and I had an *amazing* and *hard* workout this afternoon – we did chest and arms, and man oh man, did I ever get quite the pump going!

I started laughing when Luke took my pictures today – I’m not sure what was so funny, but something tickled my funny bone, and there you have it!

After our workout, we ran to United (thank goodness we didn’t try Walmart, Luke said it looked PACKED) for some artichokes, and I spotted me something very interesting that I just *had* to try ~ a bin of GINORMOUS Pazazz apples. I’ve never heard of this variety, and Luke told me to buy one just for the novelty … we’ll see how it tastes!

After the store, we relaxed and started dinner … while we were boiling some artichokes, Luke was playing on the Xbox, and Caprica immediately took the opportunity for snuggles with Daddy. So precious! The kitty looks thrilled, but Luke looks pissed because his Destiny team being shitty, and they lost their round, ha!

My Dad gave us two Filet Mignon steaks for Christmas and we decided to cook them up tonight along with some fresh Farmer’s Market corn (and artichokes, of course!). We like our steak rare, so that’s exactly how we cooked them, yum!

My cocktail for the night was kombucha while Luke had Bourbon.

Talk about a DELIGHTFUL meal. Luke said it was one of the best steaks he’s ever cooked, and I have to agree with him – it had the perfect crust on the outside and was juicy, red, and tender on the inside!

I had a piece of toffee as dessert, so huzzah for a GREAT meal! Hubs did most of the cooking on this one, and I truly appreciate it! 🙂

Anyway, here’s to a good night and a great day! I hope posting my thoughts about ED’s and mental illness helps someone somewhere out. You are loved, you are valued, and you are meant to be strong! Keep the faith, my friends! 🙂

~ Mandy

 

 

Coming to Terms with My Weight and ED Recovery as a Process

Howdy readers! I’m not posting my meals today – what I eat tends to be boring and repetitive, and I often forget to photograph my meals, so I’m sticking to writing my thoughts and experiences with my progression in eating disorder recovery. I’m not sure if photographing my meals is even worth my time, to be honest, as it can feel a little obsessive, and I don’t want to be obsessive regarding food. It’s a fun thing to do from time to time, yes, but not daily as I originally planned.

Onto my spiel for the day ~

Remember these pictures that I took only a few months ago where I look completely MISERABLE because I was?

Yep, that was me at 110 lbs. Not a good look, not a good place to be in my life.

HOWEVER.

It’s taken a TON of time, patience, complaining, and tears, but I think I’m *finally* coming to terms with my weight gain, y’all. I’m currently at 124.6 lbs and figure that 125-ish lbs (and topping around 130 lbs at night) is about right for my body. I fought this for a long, long time – I wanted to be around 110 to 120 lbs, but that’s just not realistic for my height and body (I’m 5’10”). I’m HEALTHY now, not overly skinny and gaunt. Amazingly, I’m *feeling* healthy too, and it’s a wonderful feeling to have after YEARS of struggling with an ED.

Yes, I still have my moments – I think “will this make me fat?” or “should I throw that up?” or “that number on the scale is too high, damn it all to hell” …. but these thoughts are slowly but surely dissipating. It’s a PROCESS, not an immediate overnight solution, after all, and I’ve had to learn this as well – I always thought recovery meant immediately becoming 100% better in every way, but now I don’t look at it as such – I look at it as a winding journey, one with highs and lows.

As a plus, everyone says I no longer look sick, particularly Luke and my Mom, who know me very well and see me often. I even when to my psychiatrist, and the receptionist, Brenda, commented on how good I’m looking … it’s amazing who notices these things! My face has filled out and is not so drawn anymore, my shoulder blades don’t stick out, my ribs don’t stick out, I have a bit of a tummy when I have food in my system, and my abs are showing. I’m very happy about these developments (yes, even my tummy … it means I have good food in my system and am NOURISHING myself, not depriving).

One silly thing that really troubled me on my journey towards total recovery was my wardrobe – I have built a lovely one for the past few years, and I was *terrified* that I’d outgrow all of my clothing. This sounds so vain, but seriously it was a fear of mine. But guess what? I have *not* outgrown my wardrobe and still wear the same size, and that’s been a THRILL to discover this little fact. I’m just looking HEALTHY in my clothes, not sickly.

I do still tend to err on the side of fruits and veggies when it comes to breakfast and lunch, but I’m trying to give myself more and more leeway, especially at night – for instance, lately I’ve made deer spaghetti and deer stir fry, and I’ve been noshing on them instead of plain vegetables, like I used to do (I used to live off plain vegetables, and it’s not recommended). I’m also trying to incorporate more protein in my diet, such as eggs, as well as things like peanut butter (I love it on bananas in the morning), Siggi’s yogurt, deer sausage, and cheese … you know, things that I completely avoided when heavily disordered. I still adore pumpkin banana oatmeal, but it’s so filling that I usually eat it as a brunch which tides me over into afternoon.

Do I think of myself as eating disordered still? That’s a resounding YES – my eating has improved, but there’s always room for more improvement. I’m not throwing up. I’m at a stage where I often think about my body and my weight, but I’m not so negative about my body image now, and my body dysmorphia seems to be improving as I don’t look in the mirror *all of the time* and see a giant person staring back. My one “problem area” with dysmorphia is my stomach when it’s full of food or liquid … that’s where I’m working on suppressing those negative thoughts still, but I’ve come a LONG WAY. But yes, I *am* still eating disordered … and that’s OKAY! I’m going to keep improving and keep improving. IT JUST TAKES TIME, y’all. Time truly does heal.

Today though, I’m happy to post a picture of myself at 125 lbs, and I have a smile on my face, a song in my heart, and a belly full of food and tea!

Again, time, patience, and tears are HEALING as long as you truly have it in your mind and heart to recover. As a woman who has suffered from terrible anorexia and bulimia for nearly 18 years, I’m here to say that recovery is 100% possible, and it’s an utter delight to be on the journey.

I’m so BLESSED to be where I am today – I never would have thought that I’d be on my way to a full recovery, yet here I am! And guess what? I’m *not* going to worry about what I eat when I go to Seattle over Christmas. I’m going to indulge if I want (in moderation and only until my tummy is full, no overeating if I can help it, but if it happens, it happens), and I’m going to have a FABULOUS time.

I’m sending everyone a GIANT XOXO today, especially to all of my fellow ED sufferers and recover-ees.

~ Mandy

Working on Myself, for Myself, by Myself

Howdy, howdy! Happy Hump Day! How are you doing?

My digestive tract was *not* happy this morning – my lower belly was full of sharp pains and aches, and I was using the bathroom all night long! I wonder if the rich deer liver upset my tummy, but I ate it the night before last and was fine, so I’m not sure. I didn’t even really feel like coffee this morning, which means I *do not* feel well. I laid in bed for a while with my sleeping husband, and I tried to meditate away the pain. Meditation does help me when I’m hurting. Finally I got up and started moving around with this little mantra in my head:

I am indeed working hard on myself! I’m still around 122 lbs (I was 122.6 lbs this morning), and I’m working on building muscle mass and eating in a healthy way, non-eating disordered way. I’m working, working, working on myself, and it’s AMAZING to feel and see a difference in my whole persona.

Breakfast

I made pumpkin banana oatmeal for breakfast at 8:45 this morning in an attempt to soothe my intestines – 1/2 C of Quaker Oats, 1 C of cashew milk, chia seeds, hemp seeds, salt, vanilla, nutmeg, cinnamon, and a banana with pumpkin stirred in at the end. I topped it with some honey, white chocolate and cranberry granola, and a spoonful of good ol’ runny organic PB.

I ended up eating ALL of my oatmeal – I was concerned about my tummy, so I ate very slowly, but turns out that I needed all the nourishment I could get this morning. Somehow the oatmeal did soothe my gut, so I’m happy I ate it – it was delicious and healing.

After breakfast, I ran to Walmart to buy some things to make deer backstrap stir fry. I bought bok choy, broccoli, carrots, onion, mushrooms, baby corn, kale, brown rice, and a few other goodies for it!

I started with the veggies …

… and then I sauteed the marinated deer! I added stir fry sauce at the end after I mixed the deer and veg together in my giant skillet, and I made rice in the rice cooker simultaneously. Talk about an easy, healthy, and delicious meal. I sure hope Luke likes it tonight! 😉

Lunch

I dug into one of my current obsessions to start lunch – OPAL APPLES! Y’all. Opal apples taste SO MUCH BETTER than honeycrisp … heck, they even rival my other favorite, envy apples. Honeycrisp apples don’t have much of a taste to me for some reason, but opal apples taste so clean, crisp, and have a delightful and juicy note of sweetness to them.

I felt pretty today for my psychiatrist appointment at 1:20, so I had Luke snap a pic of me with Persephone. Yes, I’m wearing my new Dolman from Anthropologie and JUST ADORE IT … more on that below, ha!

I snapped an impromptu fashion pic in the bathroom to show off my new clothing – I look a bit silly taking a picture in a mirror, but hey, I’m just being real here. I LOVE me some fashion, especially Free People and Anthropologie. I can’t believe I scored two Dolmans from Anthro during their 30% off sale – they were originally $78, and I scored them for just under $28 each. Perfect for wearing alone as a dress or with some pants! I was also wearing my James Avery Texas charm today. Nothing too fancy, but I felt pretty, which is important 🙂

Right before I left for my psychiatrist appointment, I had a Gingerade Kombucha to try and soothe my intestines further … they were starting to feel a little better at this point of the day, and a kombucha hit the spot for lunch!

I had nothing but good things to say at my appointment today – I’m not losing weight, I’m eating well, I’m not throwing up at all, and the Xanax is keeping my panic attacks at bay almost fully … my Rexulti and Latuda are also keeping my moods very stable, so I’m thankful! Dr. Jenkins was thrilled with my progress. I also received two compliments on my Dolman, and Brenda the receptionist remarked on how well I’m looking, so I must be doing something right. 😉

Upon arriving home, I found Luke playing the Xbox with a very smug Calliope sitting on top of it!

I made some cookies (simple Nestle walnut chocolate chip ones from Walmart that I picked up for $2.50) and planned on eating one or two, but my intestinal situation had flared back up, and I just didn’t want any at the time. Yuck, this intestinal shit sucks. 😦

Snack

Still feeling icky in my intestinal tract, I wanted fruit as a snack today around 3:00 as it would be light and easy on my system. I added a sprinkling of sugar to some red raspberries and black grapes (my last ones, boo) and enjoyed them with a giant mug of hot chai tea.

I also had a Chobani Flip yogurt in Peanut Butter Dream, thinking that the yogurt might help my poor system out! Plus I didn’t have much of a lunch – hello, apple and kombucha – so I needed a little more fortification for the afternoon. Man, that yogurt hit the spot! (I also took my afternoon Xanax around 3:30.)

Around 4:15, I had a handful of trail mix too!

Dinner

I started dinner off early with some raw carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower with S+P in some hummus and with some light Fiesta ranch.

And then I ended with some deer stir fry and rice. It was good but VERY filling. I think I ate too much of it as my stomach was a bit cramp-y afterwards – a smaller bowl would have sufficed, but what was done was done. (My picture is a bit dark and out of focus here, but that’s what went into my stomach!)

Alrighty, that’s all I’ve got for today! Here’s hoping you had a great one!

~ Mandy

Being a Badass

Y’all. I have AWESOME news. My eating disordered behaviors are fully AT BAY, and I LOVE IT. I’m eating well-balanced meals which are hearty and delicious. My weight is STABLE. I’m exercising again. My moods are STABLE. My life is becoming stabler and stabler without the constant struggle of an eating disorder on top of a mood/panic disorder. My Xanax has truly been a godsend to me as it’s time release, and I can’t throw it up in order for it to work … HUGE incentive to try and move past all ED behaviors as I need my Xanax to keep panic attacks fully at bay. And it’s ALL WORKING together!

I’m feelin’ pretty damn BADASS, y’all. I’m actually looking forward to Christmas in Seattle without worrying about what I’m going to eat, if I’m allowed to eat, etc. etc. and I’m honestly just enjoying life to the fullest right now!

I bought a new E-Book by Sarah Bowmar today called Wild Game Wild Gains and am planning on trying some of her venison recipes as I need some inspiration when it comes to fixing my deer – I often get stuck in the chili rut and need to branch out as we have a TON of venison headed our way in a few weeks.

I didn’t log my breakfast or lunch today – for the record, I had oatmeal for breakfast, and some roasted veggies with hummus and an apple for lunch – but I did start logging my eats after that, so here ya go!

Snack

Around 3:30, I had a cup of delicious fresh red raspberries – let it snow sugar (but not too, too much)!

I also had a Synergy Trilogy kombucha around 4:30 … I just love me some kombucha, y’all!

At 5:00, I had some Boar’s Head sweet ham, a slice of Pepperjack cheese, and some honey mustard for dipping. Easy peasy, yummy protein!

Dinner

To start dinner off, I had a cup of some leftover Asian salad that we had last night, and I added some extra Sesame Ginger Sauce to it. This was a lovely little hunger-killer for me.

About an hour after my teeny salad, I had some leftover fresh deer liver (sauteed with onions, mushrooms, and bacon) and some roasted broccoli and cauliflower with Fiesta Ranch. Y’all. Something about liver tastes absolutely divine to my tongue. I was nice and full after this meal, yum-o!

I’m just doing so well, and I hate to jinx myself by saying so, but I truly am thriving. It’s truly a thrill to thrive.

In kitty news, the cats all LOVE IT when Luke plays his Xbox – Caprica sits in his arms, Persephone lays on the couch and gets tummy-rub-rubs, and Calliope loves sleeping on the warm box!

Well, that’s all I’ve got for today! Hope you’re healthy and happy today!

~ Mandy

One Day at a Time

Howdy there! Happy First Day of October! It’s that pumpkin-spiced-laced time of year now, isn’t it?

How are you doing today? I’m doing pretty well. Today was a no-makeup and a messy bun day. 😉 I also have been having digestive issues from that mayo-covered baked salmon last night, and my tummy is very pissy today (i.e. Pepto is needed), but I’ll get over it.

The stats for today:

  • 274 days sober from alcoholism
  • 85 days without vomiting up any food

I’m taking my life one day at a time right now when it comes to the ED and the mental health issues that I deal with – they’re both my struggles. Yes, my bipolar will ALWAYS be a struggle, but hopefully the eating disordered thinking will lessen with time as it’s showing to right now, just as my cravings for alcohol completely disappeared. My body dysmorphia is still rough at night when my belly is round and full, but I’m trying to push past that and simply stay STRONG and remember that my food in my full tummy is my fuel, nothing bad.

You just have to put one foot forward before the other and take it slowly but surely – that’s my motto. Just get through the day, that’s all you have to do. I’m still hanging around 120 lbs, but I’m not as concerned about that because I’m looking better, and I’m exercising and eating very well. I’m focused mainly on slowly gaining that muscle weight. Would it be *good* if I could eat a bit more? Probably, but I don’t think my sensitive digestive system could handle being more satiated – I eat a TON for me as it is, and I’m having to see my doctor about my digestive issues (I’m on some pills to help, and Pepto helps too in a pinch).

I *am* VERY happy to announce that I’m losing my irrational fear of the scale. I’m starting to associate it with positive thoughts, such as more weight being muscle gains and food/water weight, and not have such a negative attitude towards it, such as allowing it to be a constant source of panic and disgust towards myself, a personal affront.  I’m telling myself that my weight does NOT matter, but my physique DOES. And to have a good physique, I must eat very well (tons of protein) and lift weights.

Yes, I realize that my eats are probably a little bit boring – I try to eat up everything that we have before going to the store again, so I eat some of the same things over and over again. But that’s okay. This is MY blog, and if I want to share my boring eats, I’ll share my boring eats! It’s very helpful to me in beating this disorder to write about it and take pictures.

Breakfast – 10:00 a.m.

I had my usual egg whites and two turkey sausage patties for breakfast this morning with salsa on top. Still a little too filling, but I’ll work on it. Much coffee was also consumed, it was a coffee kinda morning.

Lunch -12:40 p.m.

I wasn’t too excited about lunch yet again. I simply baked some cauliflower, sweet potato, broccoli, and carrot with some seasoning salt and ate them with some hummus and Toasted Sesame Dressing. I also had a slice of deer meatloaf for my protein. I just love that meatloaf! So tasty!

Workout – 1:30 p.m. – 2:30 p.m.

We did legs today, and I did abs. To be honest, I was tired today and didn’t really want to go, but we did it anyway, and I’m so glad because I felt immensely better. No commemorative pics today as we were too busy trying to not look at some dude’s junk because he was wearing tight spandex pants and doing the leg press. Talk about gross. I’m sorry, but gross. I hope that doesn’t become a trend. Yes, I’m human, and I judge sometimes. So sue me. I’m sure some people there look at my bony body and think “gross” too … we’re all just human.

After our workout, I put on my comfy AllBirds and bleached the sinks, the toilet, and the bathtub for cleaning. Yes, I like to clean. It’s therapeutic. My first “snack” consisted of two Pepto pills and some green tea and Sprite Zero … not a very appetizing snack, I assure you, but damn, my stomach was *not* happy at this point.

Snack – 5:00 p.m.

I finally decided that I needed to stomach *something,* so I cut up some red bell pepper, placed it in a pine nut hummus container along with three slices of mesquite smoked turkey breast. I ate the turkey first to gauge my stomach and then slowly ate the red bell pepper. A good snack for an achy tummy!

Dinner – 7:00 p.m.

My stomach still wasn’t cooperating, but I needed to eat dinner, so I forged ahead and cut up a chicken breast, sprinkled it with Lawry’s Seasoning and BBQ sauce and baked it in the oven alongside some baby carrots which I drizzled with Light Italian Dressing (love that shit). I also sauteed some spinach and added it to some spaghetti squash with some vodka sauce and a dash of Parmesan.

This was an *extremely* filling meal for me, but I’m glad I ate every bite – I needed the protein.

Cocktail Hour – 7:30 p.m.

I had my usual mocktail kombucha in Trilogy tonight and sipped on it well over an hour. YUM!

Now I’m just chillin’, cleaning up a little bit more, and watching Travel Channel. I hope YOU’VE had an amazing day!

~ Mandy