In a Ho-Hum Mood

Howdy there! How are you doing today? My mood was rather blah today. I don’t know what was up – I had a restless sleep last night and woke up several times. The weather was cold too, and I know for a fact that my mood is affected by the weather. I do so much better on warm, sunny days, not so much on cooler ones. I can’t tell if I was a touch depressed or just simply ho-hum about life today … Luke said I wasn’t acting depressed, so I’m thinking I was just being BLAH. My mood did take a dip towards depression by evening, which is not great news. But nothing terrible happened in the bipolar department today.

Breakfast

To be honest, I wasn’t too hungry for breakfast this morning. 😦 I don’t know what was up, but I delayed it for as long as I could. I just ended up eating an Icelandic Skyr yogurt with half a banana. I love this yogurt (cheese? I learned on Bizarre Foods that skyr is technically a cheese because I’m a massive food geek), it has 15 grams of protein in a serving, which is amazing!

Lunch

Still feeling a bit blah and unimaginative, I made a completely uninspired lunch – I roasted some broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, asparagus, and carrot with Lawry’s Seasoning, and I topped them with some jalapeno ranch and hummus.

This meal was meatless, but that’s okay – it was very filling to me. Sometimes I just gotta get my veggies in.

After lunch, Luke and I loaded up his truck with items to store in my mom’s attic, and we drove to my mom’s house to unload. Then we ran by Natural Grocers to meet Luke’s friend, Marc, and I wanted to check out some cacao powder for my coffee in the morning.

Here’s what I bought:

Snack

I had the rest of my banana with some PB and cinnamon.

Luke and Caprica were chilling this afternoon …

… and Calliope was resting on the Xbox while Persephone was rolling on the floor, wanting attention.

Workout

Despite my so-so mood, Luke and I did chest day – we worked out for about 40 minutes, and I impressed myself by doing 50 lbs on the chest press (I usually am at 40 lbs).

Post-Workout Snack

I wasn’t starving after working out, but I needed a little something-something to tide me over until dinner, so I cut up 1/2 of a cucumber, added salt, and placed it in some hummus with jalapeno ranch. Easy peasy.

I didn’t eat very much hummus or ranch on these – I served myself waaay to much ranch, but that’s okay, I’ll save it for another day.

Dinner

Luke was craving a steak today, but we decided to save money and go with hamburgers instead.

I started my dinner off at 6:30 with a portion of bagged Country Ranch salad from United … I just love bagged salads because they’re so easy!

By hamburger time at 7, however, my mood had dipped into a depression, and I began thinking about not having a hamburger to punish myself for a minor indiscretion pointed out by my husband (and why I became depressed). Restrictive thinking at it’s finest, y’all … whenever I feel that I’ve done something wrong, I immediately go down that route.

I eventually decided to eat my hamburger and topped it with American cheese, tomato, avocado, pickles, and BBQ sauce.

I also had a kombucha as an after dinner drink.

Alrighty, that’s my spiel for today. Tonight I’m working on self-care and self-preservation from this depression, which sucks, but it must be done. I have a feeling I’ll be going to bed early tonight.

Hope you’ve had a good day,

~ Mandy

My Story in Pictures

Howdy y’all! How are you doing today? I hope you’re healthy, happy, and well!

I thought I’d do something different today and post some old pictures to prove that you DON’T have to be underweight to struggle with an eating disorder. This is my story in pictures, y’all.

This was me BEFORE the ED behaviors started – I was overweight and very unhealthy in my eating behaviors. I was bullied at school and by my sister for being overweight.

Then the eating disorder (bulimia to start with) started in 2002. I weighed about 155 lbs at the time of my ED starting, and bulimia got me down to 145 lbs (the ED began when my theater teacher, Linda Hughes, told me that I was overweight and needed to lose weight to be a better performer. I took her *very seriously,* so to the toilet I went!). Linda commented that I looked like I had lost weight, and this just validated my bad behavior.

Below is me, holding my Shih Tzu Toby, and in the beginning throws of the ED. I was vomiting daily.

This is a pic of me with my theater people after singing at a recital. I weighed about 155 lbs here (this is when I played Fantine in Les Miserables).

After I went off to Texas Tech, I started binging on pure junk food and purging it. The ED was RAMPANT. I weighed about 220 lbs here and was bulimic AF.

As the years passed, the bulimia just got worse and worse. This picture is from around 2006, after I had my first mental breakdown.

Slowly but surely, I began to restrict my food intake and I would throw it all up. I still ate junk food at this point, but I weighed about 145 lbs. I met Luke in 2007. I weighed 145 lbs at the time (I’m the one with the long hair on my black horse, Phoenix), and the bulimia raged on and on. I had my own apartment and could binge and purge in peace without worrying over anyone hearing me.

Then I began to truly restrict. We went on a trip to South Padre Island and San Antonio around 2009, and I weighed 130 lbs. I remember that trip – I tried hiding my tummy, as you can see in the second picture, because I was so convinced that I was fat. And you can see the exhaustion in my face in the first picture here – the dark circles really were horrid.Then we went on a trip to Santa Fe … I weighed 128 lbs and was thrilled with myself, my binging, my purging, my restricting. This is me in the hot tub with my mom, and you can see my collar bones starting to stick out.

My weight went from 128 lbs to 162 lbs soon after we bought our first house. The binging became worse and worse, and the restricting went out the window for a while. In this pic, I weighed about 160 lbs.

The years 2012 to 2016 that followed are a blur to me. My weight fluctuated from 162 lbs to 128 lbs often, and I remember just being a drunken, miserable bitch who slept most of the time and who was admitted to the nuthouse twice for overdosing. The below pics show my weight fluctuations at the time …. I weighed 155 lbs in the blue shirt.

And then I weigh about 128 lbs here. I told you that my weight fluctuated a ton!From 2015 to 2016, things really started to change. I was drinking like a fish and practically living off alcohol. I’d throw up anything that entered my stomach, and the restriction was awful. This picture was taken in our giant house, and I weighed about 119 lbs here.

This pic was taken shortly before I entered the ED facility. I weighed 109 lbs here (you can’t really see it, but you CAN see my alcoholic eyes and face).

After my short stint in the Denver center, I came home and immediately became bulimic again. I also started restricting. I was no longer drinking, thank goodness, but I looked very thin and skeletal at 123 lbs (the weight I was sent home at from the ED center). Below is me, fresh from the ED center and at 123 lbs.

Soon after, I began restricting and purging again. I got down to around 115 lbs.

Around this time, Luke started to become interested in weightlifting and encouraged me to join him. I did just that, but I didn’t take it seriously – I was still focused on a number on the scale. Here I am at the ranch with my Sig at around 130 lbs. You can see my muscles look at ton better here.

Then I began to restrict again, heavily. I got back down to 115 lbs.

I stayed at about 115 to 120 lbs for about a year, and then I relapsed majorly in the summer of 2017 and got back down to 110 lbs. This is the face of someone with an ED, y’all.

After this certain relapse, I soon began wanting a change. I wanted to truly get better, to do better … something in my brain changed, and I began to take notice of Luke’s muscles and he and his friends’ dedication to the gym. This is me at 120 lbs, which I worked HARD to get to …

… and soon I became inundated with fitness, healthy eating, and I started to ENJOY lifting weights with my hubs. It feels like therapy!

You can see a difference here for sure! This pic was taken a few weeks ago, and I weigh about 130 lbs.

This is me at 120 lbs versus being around 129 – 130 lbs with more muscle.My view has changed COMPLETELY. MUSCULAR is the new sexy, not skinny, bony, and at a low weight. Yes, recovery IS hard. Yes, I still mess up sometimes. I’m not perfect. None of us are, and after nearly 18 years of struggling with an ED, it’s hard to let go of the behaviors. But I’m trying my DAMNEDEST to do it!

I finally am starting to feel STRONG inside and out. But yep, I still struggle sometimes with feeling fat … it’s just part of the process. Yes, every now and then, I still throw up (it’s not very often, but it does happen, and I fully admit that). Yes, sometimes I have a day where I live off veggies and fruit, but I’m learning about nutrition and weightlifting, and I know I need more protein in my diet. That’s a goal of mine: eat more protein!

I hope this little adventure in pictures of mine will help people see that EDs come in all shapes and sizes. Eating disorders don’t discriminate, y’all. They don’t care what size you are.

Hope this helps,

~ Mandy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Put Your Best Fork Forward, It’s National Nutrition Month!

Howdy there! I was up at 3 a.m. this morning and couldn’t fall back asleep until about 4:30. I don’t know what was going on with me as I usually am a very heavy sleeper, but there I was, up before the crack of dawn. Boo! 😦

But moving on, moving on … today’s post is rather short, so I’ll try to be succinct.

Today I learned that it’s National Nutrition Month starting today (March), and I was thinking a bit last night before bed – eating does not have to be complicated. That’s a LOT coming from me, as I used to be confined to the belief that putting food into my system was a complex and very serious issue. But it’s truly *not* complicated. You eat when you’re hungry. Yes, hunger cues can get out of whack with anorexia and bulimia. I suppose that’s part of why it was so difficult. I used to complain of *always being hungry.* My system, devoid of food, was truly always needing sustenance.

I have learned, however, through time and patience and a period of transition in my recovery, to listen to my body and cater to it’s nutritional needs, primarily protein and healthy fruit, veggies, some healthy fats, and a few carbs (I love me some pretzels and hummus!). I do my best to avoid sugars, trans-fats, and all of that bullshit that you’re supposed to keep out of your diet (I do love salt, so that’s a toughie). My goal is to be practical but not perfect with my eats. πŸ™‚ I allow myself treats sometimes, and that’s perfectly okay!

Here are a few links which I’ve found helpful:

1) The 25 Best Nutrition Tips

2)Β  Nutrition: Tips for Improving Your Health

3) Dietary Protein 101

4) Protein – The Nutrition Source

5) Fruits and Vegetables: Why You Need Them

6) How to Eat More Fruits and Vegetables

Tomorrow I may get back to posting my eats, although lately they’ve been more veggie-heavy. I need to get back in the PROTEIN game, and I think a post might give me some incentive.

~ Mandy

A Few Thoughts During NEDA Week

Hello, hello! How are you doing today? It’s NEDA week, so I needed to do a post!

In case you are new here, my name is Mandy, and I’ve struggled with eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia) for nearly 18 years since I was 15 years old. I’m now 33 and and consider myself in recovery at this point in time (I relapsed about 6 months ago, so I do consider myself at risk to some extent) … here’s my story …

Eating disorders don’t discriminate, y’all. They don’t care how great your life is, what race you are, your age, sex, weight, height, etc. They are horrible mental illnesses that take away every aspect of your life and can eventually take your life too. I struggled for nearly 18 years with bulimia and anorexia, but I finally decided to fight back after my last relapse. I utterly exhausted and slowly dying from the daily and constant struggle, the vomiting, the abstaining, the worry over the stupid number of calories in a tic tac. Below is me at my lowest weight.

I was a miserable mess with my ED, as you can see in the above pic. That facial expression pretty much exemplifies the eating disorder – it’s a SAD, lonely life to live, a deadly one.

Truth be told, however, I was ultimately inspired to end my ED behaviors by my husband Luke and his two friends, Marc and Sam, who are all really into weightlifting. They truly inundated me with ideas of being fit and healthy and strong, not sickly and bony, and have encouraged me to be the same way.

Sam works at Total Nutrition and helped me with a nutritional plan and a few supplements to aid muscle weight, which is amazing. And lifting with Luke is a joy because I’ve seen so much progress in him (and Luke is HOT AF when he lifts, ha!) – Luke started out at about 150 lbs and is now up to 175 with a goal of about 185-200 lbs. He says he sees a ton of progress in me too, although I can barely see it. I guess that’s part of it – he can’t see as much progress in himself, and I can’t see that much progress in myself, but we see it in each other and encourage each other to keep going!

My goal is to be around 145 lbs and very muscular, maybe even 150 lbs (because I’m 5’10”) … to think I started out at 110 lbs is scary now. I was SO SICK then, hot damn! I started following several Instagram accounts of female lifters, and they’re an inspiration too, especially Sarah Bowmar … I want to be like her, y’all. She hunts wild game too and seems to be a genuinely honest person who shares a ton of my views on life.

All in all, I’m still new to this whole “living without an ED” thing, y’all. I just started working out again with vigor about two months ago. I’m not going to become othorexic either, that’s a major goal here too as I have obsessive tendencies. I just want to be fit, healthy, and STRONG. I want to look like a girl who could kick some ass and not be a teeny, tiny, sickly little shrimp anymore.

When we are hungry, our bodies want nutrients, not calories! It’s taken me YEARS to learn this little fact and to accept that it’s perfectly okay to have a full belly. Heck, I ate a shit ton of fried deer and gravy last night because I was HUNGRY, and it was so wonderful to feel satisfied with protein in my tummy.

I am simply a girl who got *tired* of living with ED behaviors after 18 long years and who was very inspired by my husband and his friends to weight lift and get strong. I’ve gained about 20 lbs from my low weight of 110 lbs, and I’m doing GREAT without that damn scale in my life.

I’m at a healthy weight now, my muscles are starting to actually show, and I’m looking very good (which is a new perspective for me – I used to think that bone thin looked good). I’m slowly rewiring my brain to think that strong and muscular is the new sexy, not skinny and bony. Plus, my worth is not determined by a value of my gravitational pull on a scale, period. My self worth is wrapped up in my attitude, my positive behaviors, my health, my fitness, my desire to be an honest, good, happy person, not a number on a scale.

I’ve been lifting each day and feeling *amazing* when I do – I’ve gone to a higher weight on my triceps and the preacher curls, which feels insanely good. Slowly but surely, I’m getting stronger. I’m doing several hundred sit ups each day too, hooray! Sit ups are therapy for me – they’re easy until they become too hard, and then I stop and take a break. I do them in rounds of about 30 – 40 at a time and then rest my muscles.

In Other News

The kitties are gaga over the new scratching post that we got them last night (the old one was torn up and filthy, so we finally grabbed a new one at Petsmart along with some other kitty and snake essentials).

Just look at those big ol’ eyes on Persephone! So sweet.

Scratch, scratch, sniff, sniff, goes Caprica.

Calliope just glares at the camera – “leave me to my scratching, woman”!

Random, but I also ordered two pairs of pants from abs2bfitness.com … I ordered a pair of Army Green capris and a pair of Side Strings Shorts in a gray color. I’ll do a review of them once they come, but remember to use the code “bowmar” at checkout for 15% off! πŸ™‚ I’m SUPER excited to get them.

Alrighty, onto my eats and workout for the day!

Breakfast

I started off with an opal apple and Tajin Seasoning this morning around 7:30. I needed something in my tummy, and this hit the spot! Coffee throughout the morning too.

I had to get out and run a few errands (picking up meds, visiting my mom) this morning, so my mind wasn’t really on food, thank goodness. My apple lasted me until 10:30, when I had a Brown Cow yogurt with some peanut butter protein granola. I just *love* Brown Cow yogurt, you guys. It’s so creamy and yummy!

After my second breakfast, I did laundry, the dishes, cleaned up the surfaces in the apartment, cleaned out the snake cage and gave him more substrate, and did my daily duty of cleaning out the cat box and cat area. I was busy! πŸ™‚

Drogo was out exploring today after I changed his bedding – he’s getting so big and fat (we fed him later in the day too, so he was a happy boy)!

Lunch

I got rather creative today with lunch – I had some leftover lemon pepper chicken, so I shredded a small portion, and then I boiled an egg, cooked three pieces of bacon (because bacon makes everything better), and roasted some broccoli, carrots, and yellow squash (baked with EVOO, S+P). I made a nice salad, using a bed of romaine and leftover chopped greens as a base, and then added some cherry tomatoes, the baked veg and the proteins, and topped them all with a creamy red pepper dressing.

This was an AWESOME salad, y’all. I thoroughly enjoyed the variety in it, and I savored it slowly. I do believe I’ll be making this again. πŸ˜‰ This was a bigger lunch for me, but I ate it all!

Workout

Okay, gym confession – today it was overcast and cool, and Luke and I were both iffy about working out. However, we needed to do chest day, so we decided to go for it! It was *exhausting.* But we DID it! Here are some crappy pics of me looking angry during our workout (the lighting at Verdure is terrible). Today I resolved to try more time on the stair-master machine to try to improve my butt and calves … we shall see if that comes to pass!

Snack

After hitting the gym, I had to make a trip to Walmart and United for food. This was terribly tiring, especially after our workout, so I needed a snack around 4:30, soon after coming home. I had a mint chip brownie Larabar, a kiwi (I eat them with the skin on after a good washing), and a Holy Kombucha raspberry pomegranate tea, which tasted absolutely amazing-balls.

After my snack, I snapped a pic of my dapper hubby, who had a speech tonight over the pro’s and con’s of vaccinations (we’re pro-vac, in case you might wonder. Duh, the man wants to be a physician’s assistant, so it’s natural). He’s trying to grow his normally shaved hair out, and tomorrow we’re going to Cathy, my hairstylist, to see what she recommends he do with it as it grows. He cleans up nicely, doesn’t he?! πŸ˜‰

Dinner

I tried a new recipe via Pinterest – One Pot Cheesy Taco Pasta (made, in my case, with ground venison). I admittedly was drawn to this dish because it’s a) cheap, b) we had most of the ingredients already, and c) it’s easy AF. Plus it can be made with ground venison (I always soak ours in milk for a day beforehand), which we have PLENTY of … seriously, we’re overflowing with deer. I served mine on a bed of leftover chopped salad greens with some cherry tomatoes and a drizzle of jalapeno ranch dressing.

The verdict? IT WAS GOOD! I had reservations about it because it was so simple, but this tasted very delicious. Definitely a keeper recipe!

Mental Health

I had a great day despite feeling tired overall plus a somewhat stressful misunderstanding at the pharmacy when I picked up my Xanax (I just made a quick call to my nurse, and she helped me out, as always). Mood was stable, anxiety wasn’t too bad. I’m SO GRATEFUL for my good meds, y’all. Meds are absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in this world – if they help you, TAKE THEM. For me, they represent self-care and self-preservation, two things which are essential. Counseling is also nothing to be ashamed of – I’m currently taking a break with Brenda because things have been going so well, but I surely will text her the second I need her help again.

I hope this post will help someone else struggling out there. If you’re struggling, keep fighting the good fight. YOU CAN RECOVER. If you’re fully recovered, GOOD FOR YOU and keep on truckin’!

Have a great night, y’all!

~ Mandy πŸ™‚

 

Intuitive Eating + It’s Damn COLD Out!

Howdy there! How are you doing today? It’s 8 degrees out, yay! (Not really, I despise the cold with a passion … I am the girl who sleeps cuddled up in a nightgown, bathrobe, and fuzzy socks at night – very sexy, I know!)

Eating Disorder Discussion and Intuitive Eating

My eating habits are similar to this particular day in general – as you see, I eat a ton in the mornings, have a goodly lunch and then I snick-snack more throughout the afternoon and evening unless I’m really hungry and need an actual meal. I also try to plan my meals ahead of time – not *too much ahead of time* but I like to start thinking about what I’m having for lunch soon after I’ve had breakfast, and so on. Yes, I probably think about food more than the average person, but that’s okay – it’s a remnant of my old eating disordered behaviors, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing at this point. See, if Luke and I plan on having a bigger meal for dinner (such as fried venison with homemade gravy, a steak, fish with veggies, going out to eat, etc.), I try to eat less during the day. Usually I just follow my instincts and my stomach when it comes to intuitive eating (I’m becoming an intuitive eater and truly believe in it!).

Mood Today

I was much more stable today than I was yesterday, thank goodness. No mania, just a touch of depression in the early afternoon. My moods did pretty well today, so I count that as a win!

Breakfast

I started my day off with an opal apple … no PB or Tajin on it, just a good ol’ apple. I needed something in my stomach soon after I woke up, and that was just the ticket.

And then about an hour later, I made banana pumpkin oatmeal with protein granola and a maple syrup drizzle (no almond butter today b/c we were out of it, poop!). But I must say that I didn’t really *miss* my usual nut butter today. In fact, maple syrup was a nice change for me, so I may forgo nut butters more often in the future on my oatmeal. Oatmeal is a bit of a calorie bomb even without it (especially the way I fix my oatmeal), but I do love me some hot oats on a chilly-ass day.

I had a very productive morning despite the chill in the air – I picked up my meds, went to Whataburger with Luke to get him some breakfast, and we also dropped off our tax info to the accountant. Then we ran to United to grab a few things like chicken breasts and yogurt (I wanted chicken for my lunch).

While I made lunch, Luke and Caprica snuggled. πŸ™‚

Lunch

I tried a Parmesan-covered chicken breast from United today – I baked it along with Brussels sprouts, cauliflower, and carrots and placed them all on a bed of spinach. I drizzled some jalapeno ranch over the veggies and a bit of messy and clumpy BBQ on the chicken. πŸ˜‰ That Parmesan chicken, y’all – SO GOOD. A very filling and satisfying meal indeed … so filling that I had no interest in a snack this afternoon at all.

After lunch, Luke and I chilled out (Luke took a nap), and then I braved the cold once again to hit up Walmart for some essentials.

Workout + Adjusting to My Body Changing

Today at 4, Luke and I hit up Verdure (our swanky new gym next to the apartment) to do CHEST DAY! We were there about 45 minutes (Luke is working out again with a friend tonight, so he took it a slight bit easier than usual … I, on the other hand, did not take it easy!), and we had a great workout.

I have to admit, I was just in a “so so” mood until we hit the gym – I think I was getting tired or something (I’d been running around all day), but the gym cured what ailed me. That’s why I go, y’all. It’s helping cure my issues, building up my body, mind, and soul.

As you can see in my pics above, my stomach area is getting much thicker from the front where my abs are but not from the side. I’m still *adjusting* to this development, and sometimes it’s not easy to look in the mirror, especially after I’ve eaten a big meal (see: my lunch). That’s just part of it, I suppose, but I need to keep my eyes on the prize and not fret over my fading body dysmorphia. Yes, it still rears it’s ugly head from time to time, and I still cry over my body on rare occasions, but it’s slowly dying away, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

After the gym, I had a cup of coconut pineapple water. Yum! I sure needed that! πŸ˜‰

Dinner

I was more “snacky” and thirsty than truly hungry for dinner, so here’s what I had:

Some sticks of celery and a few pretzels with hummus and salsa …

… I also had a most refreshing kombucha which I sipped on for about an hour while watching Expedition Unknown …… and then I had a giant mug of Cinnamon Orange tea from Seattle with a touch of stevia. I just wasn’t very hungry at all – in fact, I had a tummy ache and took a few tums to see if they wouldn’t help. I blame my gigantic, protein-filled lunch (I practically ate the entire chicken breast, y’all). This tasty tea soothed my achy stomach and was such a treat!

I’m going to try something new, as you might have noticed today, and post in the mornings as an effort to reach out to more readers! So this post was technically yesterday’s evening post. I just want to expand my readership if I can … not really sure how except to just write, take pics, and share my experiences … and I’m on BlogLovin’ … any ideas about how to reach out to more readers, y’all?

~ Mandy

 

 

Jumpsuits + Mania

Howdy there! How are you doing today? I tried doing sit ups this morning, and man oh man,Β I was too sore to do them, so it was a rest day for my abs. I did several hundred sit ups yesterday, after all, so they needed to chill out today. I had quite the interesting and crazy day, so let’s begin with breakfast!

Breakfast

I had my usual three egg scramble around 8 this morning along with three slices of turkey bacon and two turkey sausages. Coffee with stevia and cashew milk to drink. This is my go-to breakfast at this point, y’all.

I had a banana with almond butter around 10 too. I get hungrier in the mornings now that I’m working out daily.

Lunch

I roasted some carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, and eggplant with EVOO and S+P, and I ate them on a small bed of spinach with some roasted red pepper sauce and a Dr. Praeger’s veggie burger. A pretty straightforward lunch – veggies + a type of protein (we’re low on protein right now, so I reached for a veggie burger today).

In the early afternoon, I had MAJOR ANXIETY. I’m not sure if I was semi-manic plus had anxiety or not, but it certainly felt that way. I was zippy but too out-of-sorts to do anything productive. Soon enough, I calmed down after a few extra Gapabentin, and I was able to feel more like myself (until later, as you’ll soon see).

Luke was napping, and Calliope made herself very comfortable next to his leg! So stinkin’ cute!

Snack

Around 3, I had a mango with Tajin Seasoning and some Orange Cinnamon Tea from Seattle.

I was also needing some carbs, so I had some pretzels and hummus. πŸ™‚ Yummy. Those tasted so DELIGHTFUL. I’m trying to watch my bread-y carb intake, but I needed some pretzels this afternoon.

Mental Health and Eating Disorder Discussion

Soon after my snack, I became MANIC AF, y’all. I CLEANED and CLEANED and CLEANED. Seriously, I got under the couch, table, bed, in the crevices, EVERYWHERE – just imagine cat hair flying around like crazy and me chasing it around with the vacuum.

AHHHH, mania can be FUN. But make no mistake, it’s a hellish type of fun, I assure you … you’re literally OUT OF CONTROL of your mind and are zippy, zippy, zippy … you feel like you can do ANYTHING, no limits … this has gotten me into trouble before though, so I try to keep my activities to deep cleaning and working out. (I also try not to drive while manic, so thankfully the gym is within walking distance of the apartment).

As I was taking out the trash in a most manic fashion (sans shoes and wearing only socks, a crop top, and joggers in 46 degree weather), the mailman came with my coveted package from Free People – I had ordered the Olympus Longline jumpsuit, and it finally came! I ordered an XS, and it fits PERFECTLY! Here’s a pic of me, sans makeup and looking crazy AF, in my new duds. HUZZAH!

I told ya I was getting more muscular around my middle, and it really shows in this pic – I’m coming to terms with it, and I’m realizing how *strong* my body was meant to be, not skinny and frail. I’m getting STRONGER, HEALTHIER, HAPPIER, and if you struggle with an eating disorder, YOU CAN TOO. I’ve struggled for nearly 18 years, and at 33 years old, I’m taking back my life and my sanity. It’s totally doable … and I’m just here to share my story and encourage others to do the same.

I’m REALLY looking forward to having bigger biceps and triceps, and I’m on my way! I just want to be bigger all around, muscular and looking like I could kick some ass and not be a shrimp. Truth be told, I felt so BEAUTIFUL in these pictures, even though my hair and makeup weren’t done at all. I felt powerful, ready to take on the world (but that’s also part of the mania).

Remember when I used to look like this about half a year ago?

I am no longer that girl, and I *never want to be that girl again.* I am a strong woman who is working on getting her gains and health back! Since that picture, I’d say I’ve put on about 20-23 lbs … I don’t weigh everyday anymore, so I’m not certain of my current weight, but I’d say it’s between around the high 120’s and the low 130’s.

Workout

(As a side note, the water in our apartment wasn’t turning on after I was done with the majority of my cleaning, so I ran down to the office … they said a pipe burst and that they were working on it, poop!)

Since the water was out and I couldn’t clean more without it, I decided to put my mania to good use and went to the gym – I did the elliptical for 30 minutes at breakneck speed and felt MUCH better. If you struggle with mania, I *highly* suggest the gym. It’s so therapeutic and gets out the zippy energy. I left the gym feeling amazing.

Dinner

After my workout, I wasn’t feeling too hungry at all, but I had a tangelo with Tajin.

I was feeling more snacky than hungry around 6:30, so I had some Boar’s Head turkey with cheddar cheese and red pepper dressing. Protein, delicious protein! πŸ˜‰ Tea to drink.

For dessert around 7:15, I had a Brown Cow raspberry yogurt with fresh raspberries and honey. All I can say is DELICIOUS. I am a huge fan of Brown Cow’s consistency and taste.

And that, my friends, concludes my crazy day. Again, I hope I’m helping others out there with eating disordered behaviors by posting my meals every now and then, and I hope I’m helping people with bipolar disorder and/or panic disorder too. My little blog is a rather fun hobby, but I’m hoping that I’m ultimately helping others by posting on here. πŸ™‚

Until next time,

~ Mandy

Chest Day + Same Ol’ Same Ol’

Howdy there! How are you doing today? I swear I’m not going to post my meals *every single day* but I’m just trying to give people a view of what I’m eating right now. It’s pretty similar on most days, but I’m planning on expanding my repertoire of recipes this week, so stay tuned for reviews!

Breakfast

I started my day off with a banana and white chocolate PB. Coffee to drink, as usual!

I also had two scrambled eggs, three pieces of turkey bacon, and a slice of Ezekiel bread with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and triple berry jam a bit later.

After breakfast, I went to the gym and did the stair master for a while as well as worked on my quads and butt. The stair master SUCKS, y’all. I hate it with a passion. It’s boring but I did bring music. I did it low and slow and did two steps at once to work my butt.

Lunch

I had a portion of rotisserie chicken for lunch along with roasted broccoli, carrots, and Brussels sprouts topped with Whataburger Creamy Pepper Sauce and a dab of hummus. Easy peasy.

After I ate lunch, my stomach blew up like a damn balloon, and I had to lay down for a minute … I took some anti-gas antacids and they did help, thank goodness.

Snack

Around 2:30, I decided to try a kombucha to soothe my tummy a bit.

Eventually I also snacked on an opal apple with Tajin Seasoning.

I also had some carrots and tomatoes with jalapeno ranch dressing … I was snacky today! πŸ™‚

Workout

I began to feel utterly defeated in the mood department, so we ended up going to the gym for chest day around 3 and stayed nearly an hour.Β  My mood was *so much better* after working out! Chest day is *hard* for me, but that’s one reason why I like it – it forces me to push myself and use those muscles that are so damn weak!After our workout, we ran a few errands, and I got me a diet Sprite to soothe my tummy (which was a little upset still).

Dinner

I had leftover chicken and spaghetti squash with spaghetti sauce for dinner along with a piece of Ezekiel bread, some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, and roasted asparagus drizzled with jalapeno ranch dressing (the asparagus was my favorite component).

Yes, this is about what I usually eat in a day – I don’t count calories, so I’m not sure how much I’m consuming, but I’m consuming what *feels* right to me physically, a very drastic change in my life from ED activities such as obsessive calorie counting and restricting.

The important thing is that I’m looking and feeling SO MUCH BETTER than I ever have. If you’re fighting an eating disorder and/or mental issues, keep up the good fight! You CAN win the war!

Now I’m off to take a hot bath, watch Travel Channel, search out new recipes, and download some new workout music. πŸ™‚

Hope you had a great day!

~ Mandy