One Day at a Time

Howdy there! Happy First Day of October! It’s that pumpkin-spiced-laced time of year now, isn’t it?

How are you doing today? I’m doing pretty well. Today was a no-makeup and a messy bun day. 😉 I also have been having digestive issues from that mayo-covered baked salmon last night, and my tummy is very pissy today (i.e. Pepto is needed), but I’ll get over it.

The stats for today:

  • 274 days sober from alcoholism
  • 85 days without vomiting up any food

I’m taking my life one day at a time right now when it comes to the ED and the mental health issues that I deal with – they’re both my struggles. Yes, my bipolar will ALWAYS be a struggle, but hopefully the eating disordered thinking will lessen with time as it’s showing to right now, just as my cravings for alcohol completely disappeared. My body dysmorphia is still rough at night when my belly is round and full, but I’m trying to push past that and simply stay STRONG and remember that my food in my full tummy is my fuel, nothing bad.

You just have to put one foot forward before the other and take it slowly but surely – that’s my motto. Just get through the day, that’s all you have to do. I’m still hanging around 120 lbs, but I’m not as concerned about that because I’m looking better, and I’m exercising and eating very well. I’m focused mainly on slowly gaining that muscle weight. Would it be *good* if I could eat a bit more? Probably, but I don’t think my sensitive digestive system could handle being more satiated – I eat a TON for me as it is, and I’m having to see my doctor about my digestive issues (I’m on some pills to help, and Pepto helps too in a pinch).

I *am* VERY happy to announce that I’m losing my irrational fear of the scale. I’m starting to associate it with positive thoughts, such as more weight being muscle gains and food/water weight, and not have such a negative attitude towards it, such as allowing it to be a constant source of panic and disgust towards myself, a personal affront.  I’m telling myself that my weight does NOT matter, but my physique DOES. And to have a good physique, I must eat very well (tons of protein) and lift weights.

Yes, I realize that my eats are probably a little bit boring – I try to eat up everything that we have before going to the store again, so I eat some of the same things over and over again. But that’s okay. This is MY blog, and if I want to share my boring eats, I’ll share my boring eats! It’s very helpful to me in beating this disorder to write about it and take pictures.

Breakfast – 10:00 a.m.

I had my usual egg whites and two turkey sausage patties for breakfast this morning with salsa on top. Still a little too filling, but I’ll work on it. Much coffee was also consumed, it was a coffee kinda morning.

Lunch -12:40 p.m.

I wasn’t too excited about lunch yet again. I simply baked some cauliflower, sweet potato, broccoli, and carrot with some seasoning salt and ate them with some hummus and Toasted Sesame Dressing. I also had a slice of deer meatloaf for my protein. I just love that meatloaf! So tasty!

Workout – 1:30 p.m. – 2:30 p.m.

We did legs today, and I did abs. To be honest, I was tired today and didn’t really want to go, but we did it anyway, and I’m so glad because I felt immensely better. No commemorative pics today as we were too busy trying to not look at some dude’s junk because he was wearing tight spandex pants and doing the leg press. Talk about gross. I’m sorry, but gross. I hope that doesn’t become a trend. Yes, I’m human, and I judge sometimes. So sue me. I’m sure some people there look at my bony body and think “gross” too … we’re all just human.

After our workout, I put on my comfy AllBirds and bleached the sinks, the toilet, and the bathtub for cleaning. Yes, I like to clean. It’s therapeutic. My first “snack” consisted of two Pepto pills and some green tea and Sprite Zero … not a very appetizing snack, I assure you, but damn, my stomach was *not* happy at this point.

Snack – 5:00 p.m.

I finally decided that I needed to stomach *something,* so I cut up some red bell pepper, placed it in a pine nut hummus container along with three slices of mesquite smoked turkey breast. I ate the turkey first to gauge my stomach and then slowly ate the red bell pepper. A good snack for an achy tummy!

Dinner – 7:00 p.m.

My stomach still wasn’t cooperating, but I needed to eat dinner, so I forged ahead and cut up a chicken breast, sprinkled it with Lawry’s Seasoning and BBQ sauce and baked it in the oven alongside some baby carrots which I drizzled with Light Italian Dressing (love that shit). I also sauteed some spinach and added it to some spaghetti squash with some vodka sauce and a dash of Parmesan.

This was an *extremely* filling meal for me, but I’m glad I ate every bite – I needed the protein.

Cocktail Hour – 7:30 p.m.

I had my usual mocktail kombucha in Trilogy tonight and sipped on it well over an hour. YUM!

Now I’m just chillin’, cleaning up a little bit more, and watching Travel Channel. I hope YOU’VE had an amazing day!

~ Mandy

I Hit 120 LBS + A Great Workout + On Meal Pics

I ate three slices of sourdough bread with butter for breakfast this morning, y’all. I don’t know why, but my body was craving bread, so I ate it. It was a weird breakfast,  but that’s okay. My body needed the calories and the carbs, I suppose.

One a random note, here’s a cat licking it’s asshole on a very rainy day. Enjoy.

Anyway, fueling my body is like fueling a car, I think – you don’t put only $5 of gas in a car and expect to get far, and that’s the same with eating. If you starve yourself, you’re not going to have much energy or be healthy or feel well at all (I know the feeling well). But you also don’t have to put $50 of gas in your car either if you want to be frugal. You can put in $25 (I drive a Kia Optima, so that’s about half a tank or a little more for me), and you can get pretty damn far before having to fill up again. Moderation is important in eating (sez I who ate 3 slices of bread with butter for breakfast this morning), and fueling your body is pretty damn similar to filling up a car.

This morning I definitely fueled up a little too much, ha. But that’s fine. Sometimes it’s good to eat a little bit more if you’re trying to gain weight like I am.

I’m also slowly realizing that I get hungrier at night, especially before bed. I need a snack or something before sleeping, and last night I ate a piece of cornbread casserole with deer meat filling as a nighttime chaser. I definitely don’t post everything I eat on this blog as I’ve often just published a post at night and then need a snack.

I allowed myself to weigh today, and I’m at 120 lbs. I’ve gained 10 pounds in about a week, y’all (I was dehydrated at 110, I think, and now that I’m properly hydrated and eating well, I’m gaining). I have a-ways to go, but I’m feeling great. I had Luke snap a picture so I could compare myself to how I looked at 110. Definitely not as bony.

We had a fabulous workout today despite a very rainy and flooded drive to the gym (seriously, it was bad), and of course, I made Luke take a few commemorative pics of me looking totally like an asshole while working out, but hell, I’ll share them anyway. We’ve started doing more machines and have been doing 4 sets instead of 3. I was very tired after our workout but in a good way, not an exhausted way. I came home and ate some baked chicken and rice to refuel. A coffee was also consumed.

As a side note, I think I’ll continue to document my meals on here despite it being a pain in the ass sometimes. Had I decided to document my meals today, I wouldn’t have eaten 3 slices of bread with butter for breakfast, and that’s bothering me. I need to feel in control somehow – it’s just part of the disorder I have – and I think carefully thinking about my eats each day and photographing them will help fulfill that need.

Hope tomorrow is as bright a day as today was!

~ Mandy

My Nutritional Plan

I received a nutrition plan from Luke’s friend Sam who works at our local Total Nutrition. He’s also making me a workout plan.

Here it is:

For snacks, I can have anything with protein in it, not just protein powder, and I can switch up my protein and veggies if so desired. This plan is just a really good guideline for me. This is a ton of food for my shriveled little stomach, but Luke and Sam promised me that my system will get used to it. I can technically tailor this plan to fit my smaller stomach, so I may deviate a little bit, but the principle will remain the same – more protein, some carbs, some veggies.

Breakfast – 8:00

Breakfast was difficult for me this morning because I usually don’t eat breakfast at all and wasn’t too hungry … but I pushed through it and ultimately enjoyed a mix of 1/2 C of Quaker Oats, 1 tablespoon of chia seeds, pumpkin, salt, nutmeg, cinnamon, and vanilla with a spoonful of PB. I also had a boiled egg on the side for my protein. Next time I may save my egg for my first snack … this breakfast left me very full!

Snack #1 – 10:45

Sweet and spicy tuna with celery sticks. I’ll be honest here – I only ate one celery stick and saved the rest for later as I was still very full from breakfast. At least the tuna tasted great! Again, I think I’ll save my breakfast egg for my first protein snack.

Lunch -12:30

I had a portion of BBQ roasted chicken and half a cup of rice for lunch.

Workout – 1:00

Luke and I went to our newly renovated Planet Fitness and were truly impressed by what we saw! We did arms and chest today for about an hour … back again tomorrow!

Snack #2 – 3:00

I truly was hungry after my session at the gym, so I ate the rest of my spicy tuna with some cucumbers, cauliflower, and hummus.

I also had a few bites of chicken with BBQ sauce:

I also had an un-pictured palm-full of almonds and a small apple.

Dinner – 7:30

I wasn’t feeling dinner, to be honest, so I simply had a hamburger with Gouda cheese and spinach on a potato roll.

Alrighty, that’s my spiel for today! I ate a TON of me today, and I think I’ll have to modify my diet a bit tomorrow.

Later gator,

~ Mandy



On Relapse and Getting Back on Track

Howdy all. If you’ve been reading my blog, you may have noticed that I deleted all of my old posts. I need to start fresh, and I’ll explain why:

It turns out that I relapsed back with the anorexia. I’ve told ya that this eating disorder shit is very difficult and serious. This is me at 5’10” and 115 lbs. I look scrawny, fragile, frail, and exhausted. I want to change this immediately.

Now I’m back at blogging, and I want to start working out again and *try* to battle this eating disorder and get healthier mentally and physically. I’m a little too loopy from a pain med today (more on this below) to go to the gym, so Luke and I made a pact to go tomorrow. 🙂

Physically, I’ve been having stomach troubles. I’m not sure if it’s related to the anorexia or not, but last night around 9:30, I had to make a trip to the ER because the pain was so terrible.

Me with the good ol’ barf bag (thankfully I didn’t have to use it). They gave me some Benadryl, morphine, a med for nausea, a hydrocodone,  and a gross concoction of a stomach relaxer which I had to swallow (yuck). I was sent home with prescriptions for pain and stomach relaxation.

The general consensus among my EMT-trained husband and the ER doctor is that I have gastritis or a stomach ulcer, and I’m seeing my primary care doctor on Tuesday to see what he has to say – he may refer me to my gastroenterologist for an endoscopy (which I sincerely hope doesn’t turn into a colonoscopy too because the prep for that is just miserable).

Mentally, I was extremely rapid cycling with my bipolar in July and into mid-August – like, every few minutes, I’d change from being depressed to manic. It was TERRIBLE. After several crazy visits to my psychiatrist and an *interesting* incident, I’m on a new medication. I’m erring on the side of low and anxious right now, but it’s better than being rapid cycling.

As for the blog, I’m not sure where I’ll head with it – some days I might post my eats or about my workouts or just random thoughts. I want this place to be a safe spot to write and share anything that my heart desires.

Til tomorrow …

~ Mandy