Eating Like a Wonder Woman

Hello, hello! How are you doing today? My kitt lits were being sleepy little buggers this morning, except for Persephone, who is always awake and meowing for pets when I make coffee.

I’m especially thankful for my kitties – my poor sister had her beloved chinchilla Chico put to sleep today, and it reminds me that our furry friends may not be with us as long as we’d like, but they’ll always remain in our hearts. The kitt lits will be receiving extra pets tonight.

I’m happy to report that I’m *finally* adjusted to my Xanax dosage, and I’m feeling a shit-ton better. Med changes suck, but they’re necessary sometimes, especially in my case with the panic disorder diagnosis. Yes, I still have panic attacks about once a week, but they last only an hour or so, not 6-7 hours, so I count that as major improvement.

As for my eating, I’ve made major improvements there too. I’m trying to eat high fiber and high protein for the most part – my goal is to eat three times a day, little to no snacking. My pictures are sometimes broken into several parts because I eat a bite of this and that for my meals. My weight is steadily around 120 – 122 lbs at this point (I’m 5’10”), and I’m chasing muscle mass at this point despite two weeks without going to the gym because of the med switch.

Breakfast

I woke up craving something very savory and sweet, so I made oatmeal! My mix was 1/3 C of Quaker Oats, cashew milk, a banana, 1 tbsp of chia seeds, 1 tbsp of hemp seeds, salt, vanilla, nutmeg, and cinnamon. Pumpkin stirred in at the end with a spoonful of crunchy PB! I had an empty PB jar, which is rare because I eat it so sparingly, so I put my oat mix into that (bonus: no dish is dirtied!). Coffee to drink.

Lunch

Today I had three hard boiled eggs, a piece of whole wheat toast with cream cheese and raspberry jam, and steamed broccoli and carrots with some Sriracha ranch.

I also had an Envy apple with cinnamon.

Workout

I had an appointment to take care of this afternoon, so Luke went to the gym without me and did arms. Hopefully I’ll go tomorrow. 🙂 I felt pretty today in my Wonder Woman sweater, so I had Luke snap a pic. Wonder Woman is my hero, dontcha know.

Snack

I did need a snack today, so I had some steamed carrots and cauliflower with hummus and honey mustard dressing. Ginger root beer Zevia to drink. I just love Zevia, it’s a great alternative to soda.

Dinner

I had half of a tasty ham sandwich (honey wheat whole grain bread, Boar’s Head ham and cheddar, and baby arugula with honey mustard) and two pickles …

… and a Siggi’s vanilla yogurt with raspberries and honey.

Alrighty, those are my eats for the day! May tomorrow be filled with workouts and joy!

~ Mandy

Xanax, Weight Gain, and Other Thoughts

Hey there and Happy Wednesday! How are you doing today?

Long time, no post … I was officially diagnosed with a panic disorder, so that explains a ton. Damn diagnoses, you just keep coming and coming. It’s interesting, I’ve known that I’ve had something going on with my panic attacks for some time now, but it’s nice to finally have a diagnosis of a panic disorder. I’m now on Xanax, which has taken some getting used to … I haven’t felt like working out or anything like that for about two weeks now, but I’m getting back in the game slowly but surely.

Luke and I were fortunate enough to switch gyms – we’re no longer going to Planet Fitness but rather Verdure, a swanky gym in our apartment complex. We LOVE it.

My goal weight is a muscular 135 lbs – I’m currently at 122.4 lbs, so I have a ways to go, but I’m determined.

Breakfast

Breakfast was three scrambled eggs with ham and cheddar cheese with a piece of whole wheat toast, butter, and jam. YUM! Tons of protein here, so it was very filling! (I didn’t need a snack all morning.) Coffee to drink.

Lunch

I first had an Envy apple with cinnamon around 11:40 …

… and then I had some roasted chicken breast with broccoli – honey mustard dressing on the side for dipping.

Workout

Our workout didn’t happen today – Luke is nursing a shoulder, and I was feeling drugged out from Xanax. Oh well, there’s always tomorrow (or the next day, because I have an appointment tomorrow).

Dinner

I started off with some roasted carrots and broccoli with hummus and Sriracha ranch …

… and the I had a Siggi’s yogurt with a banana, honey, and crunchy peanut butter.

Ok, that’s my spiel for today! 🙂

~ Mandy

A Terrible Hot Fall Day

Today was not a good day mood-wise for me. My moods were swinging like a maniac – I was happy this morning, but after lunch, my mood look a terrible turn for the worse. I cried in bed, I cried sitting in front of the TV, I cried in the bathtub, I just cried and cried., and when I wasn’t crying, I was just sitting around with a giant frown on my face and a furrow in my brow.

We went to the gym to do weights, but naturally, I started crying for no real reason at all. Luke was also having a rough day; our workout lasted just 30 minutes, mainly due to my crying and low energy and both of our bad moods.

It was just a terrible hot fall day.

Having a bipolar low is like having a deep dark cloud inside of your head, a black cloud with rain and thunder and lightening bolts. It sucks the life, the energy out of you. Your heart feels heavy, like a giant burden in your chest. Your brain simply tells you to be sad/low without much or any rhyme or reason. You sometimes contemplate ending it all, suicide. You sometimes just cry for hours. You sometimes just sit in your comfortable chair for hours, covered in blankets with a mug of tea, trying to wait it out (that’s what I’m trying to do today).

On a positive note, I *am* happy to report that I’ve been having less eating disordered thoughts (i.e. constantly calling myself a fat pig and thinking I’m fat and need to lose weight) and am focusing more on health and fitness when it comes to keeping my eats in mind. It’s important to fuel my body so I can get my gains, y’all! I’m still pretty thin (I’m at 121.4 lbs this morning, but I’m comfortable at this weight right now). I’m working on it, and that’s what’s important. It’s a long, slow process, but I’ll get there with hard work and mindfulness. I just take it day by day, just as I do with my bipolar disorder.

Breakfast- 9:15 a.m.

I wanted oatmeal for breakfast, but I decided on eggs instead for some unknown reason. I scrambled 3 eggs (we were out of egg whites) and heated up 2 turkey sausage patties for breakfast. Salsa added as usual. I was HUNGRY upon waking up, so I needed something fast and quick. This hit the spot and kept me full until lunch.

Then I ran to the store and grabbed some essentials – TP, paper towels, milk, cereal, coffee, Febreeze, you name it, I got it. It was quite the bill, unfortunately, but we needed stuff. I also went to see my mom who’s going to be gone to Seattle for a week and to get the lowdown on what I need to do at her house while she’s away. Mom gave me a ton of food to eat up too as this is a rather impromptu trip, and she just went to the store.

Lunch – 1:00 p.m.

I did my usual veggie roast with some Brussels sprouts, red bell pepper, carrots, cherry tomatoes, and some sweet potato. I topped the veg with Toasted Sesame Ginger Sauce and some Boar’s Head shaved turkey.

Snack- 3:40 p.m.

At this point in the day, I dejectedly threw together some carrots and cucumber in a hummus container and ate it with hot tears falling down my face.

Cocktail Hour -6:00 p.m.

I’d calmed down significantly around “mocktail” hour. My brain was still sending me signals to be low, but my heart had lifted out of my stomach, and I was feeling a bit more positive overall. I had my usual Trilogy kombucha.

Dinner – 7:00 p.m.

I roasted some BBQ chicken for dinner with some red onion, broccoli, and yellow squash (drizzled with Toasted Sesame Ginger Sauce at the end). Easy peasy, just throw it all in the oven.

I also had four Belgian Chocolate Thins, courtesy of my mom:

Here’s hoping that tomorrow is a better, brighter day in the mood department for me!

~ Mandy

 

 

Ultrasounds + Moods + Alcoholics and Kombucha

Howdy there! How are you today?

I got up bright and early for my ultrasound, and the results should be in by Monday, so that’s positive. My weight is down to 119 lbs today for some reason (despite eating candy due to emotional eating out of nervousness for my ultrasound), but I’m not too concerned – I’m sure it’s just a natural fluctuation because I was fasting last night and this morning.

Breakfast – 10:00 a.m.

I bought two ultimate breakfast tacos from Rosa’s Cafe and scarfed them down – I was starving after fasting! They were delicious. I also bought a chocolate mocha coffee from Roasters, our local coffee shop, and it was *divine.*

Lunch – 1:15 p.m.

I wasn’t terribly hungry after my giant breakfast, so I made my favorite veggies, roasted carrots and Brussels sprouts with Toasted Sesame Ginger Sauce, and had a turkey and provolone cheese roll-up.

Workout – 2:00 p.m. – 2:30 p.m.

My mood took a negative turn and I started crying around 2:00 … just a bipolar mood from being an empath. Luke and I went to the gym for just 30 minutes before I just couldn’t do it anymore.

At least we *went* and I tried my hardest for 30 minutes. That’s what counts, y’all. TRYING.

What *did* brighten my day and my mood was receiving this adorable shirt in the mail from Free People – it’s the We The Free Good Find Top, and man, it IS truly a good find! I also got two other items, but they are going back because they just didn’t live up to my expectations. This shirt, however, is PERFECTION. It’s comfortable, flow-y, trendy, and fun, perfect for the fall and winter … I LOVE IT! I may even buy another one with my refund money.

Snack – 4:00 p.m.

For my snack today, I had a few carrots (and some un-pictured broccoli) with hummus. Moroccan Mint Green Tea to drink.

Cocktail Hour – 6:00 p.m.

Tonight I had a Trilogy Kombucha …

On Kombucha and Being a Former Alcoholic

I had a conversation with my sister about kombucha, and she was worried because I was drinking it with my past as an alcoholic. I’m going to bring this up with my doctor next time I see him because I do not want to be harming myself in any way, but for the record, kombucha has a 0.5% – 1% naturally occurring alcohol content because of its fermentation. That’s just a little less than a non-alcoholic beer such as O’Doul’s.

I do not drink kombucha to get drunk, obviously, but I do drink it because of the health benefits, especially the healthy gut support, and because of the taste. Drinking even a little bit of alcohol at this point makes me feel very sick (see the time I made bread pudding, accidentally didn’t cook all of the alcohol out of the Kraken I used, and made myself extremely sick from eating it), and that’s the last thing I want to do to myself. But my sister made a good point – I need to ask Dr. Keister next time I see him about it, just to be sure, but I’m honestly not too concerned about my little mocktail of kombucha each night. I’ll wait to see the results of the ultrasound and go from there.

Dinner – 7:00 p.m.

Tonight I made BBQ chicken breast and veggies (cauliflower, carrots, and red bell pepper served with some Toasted Sesame Ginger Sauce). Easy peasy.

Now I’m sipping on my kombucha and watching TLC’s Kindred Spirits. Hope you had a good day. Mine was so-so mood-wise, but that’s okay … some days are better than others.

~ Mandy

Question: Do you have an opinion on alcoholics and kombucha? Yay or nay?

A Moody Day

Howdy there! How are you doing today? My thoughts and prayers go out to the mass shooting in Las Vegas … how horrific. So much mental health reform is needed in this country (mentally ill criminals will never follow the law and will always be able to gain access to weaponry, so we should not disarm mentally stable, law-abiding citizens, in my personal opinion), but now is not the time to get political – now is the time for healing and much prayer.

I had to get up early for a counseling appointment, but all is well here in the Texas Panhandle. I was a *touch* moody today too, but I dealt with it just fine. Thank the Universe for meds is all I have to say today.

Breakfast – 10:00 a.m.

I had my usual egg white/bacon/sausage mix for breakfast – I tried maple bacon, and it smelled delicious while it was cooking and definitely had a hint of maple flavor! 🙂 The salsa kinda dumped out on the plate, but I was cool with it – I love me some salsa. Today this breakfast was the perfect size for my tummy.

I felt so pretty for my counseling appointment that I just had to snap a pic! My vest is Anthropologie, my top is Free People, and my pants are JAGs. My trusty James Avery Texas charm and AllBirds completed the outfit. No lipstick on yet in the pic, but I wore Jouer in Pamplemousse. I look a little tired here, but I did have to get up earlier than usual, ha!

Lunch – 12:45 p.m. – 1:45 p.m.

I wasn’t in the mood for food around lunchtime, so I had a glass of milk. Weird-sounding, but I need the calcium (thank you, anorexia, for depriving my bones of calcium). I’m going to try drinking a glass everyday.

Around 1, I put some BBQ chicken and sweet potatoes in the oven. Once baked, I placed them on a bed of spaghetti squash with some vodka sauce and Parmesan.

Workout – 2:00 p.m. – 3:00 p.m

Some asshat was working in the apartment next to us with a loud saw, so we elected to quickly go to the gym in hopes that he would be done by the time we got back. We did arms today, and I was extremely glum about it because I was in a low mood suddenly after eating lunch. Yes, I’m ultimately glad that we went, but I was just in a mood. BUT I DID IT, and that’s what counts.

My back is looking a ton better. We came home, and I had a much needed coffee, which seemed to perk up my mood a bit … until that asshole next door started sawing again! GAAAH! I had to go for a drive to get away from the noise. I’m highly sensitive to noise, and loud noises like that send me over the roof.

Snack – 4:20 p.m.

After calling Luke and hearing the report that the jackass wasn’t sawing anymore, I returned home and wanted something with protein but something creamy and sweet, so I opted for a Siggi’s Mixed Berry Yogurt with some honey and macadamia nuts.

Let me tell y’all, my stomach was RAGING after this snack for some reason – I wish I hadn’t eaten it! I had to take some Pepto and suffered through some awful cramps. Perhaps it was the macadamia nuts?

The rest of the afternoon was perfect for relaxing. Luke had the day off, so he chilled with Caprica and watched a TV show. 😉

Cocktail Hour – 5:45 p.m.

I sipped on my usual kombucha mocktail in Hibiscus Ginger tonight in an attempt to calm my upset tummy.

I broke my dinner into several parts tonight for some reason just because I was more “snacky” than hungry.

Dinner #1 – 6:25 p.m.

I roasted some carrots and broccoli and ate them in a tub of hummus. Easy peasy. Roasted carrots are my jam, y’all.

Dinner #2 – 7:00 p.m.

Luke and I split another Copper River Salmon fillet, except this time my side didn’t have Gary’s Secret Sauce on it (just too rich for my tummy). Mine was simply seasoned with S+P. My piece looks teeny in the picture, but it was a pretty good size my protein.

Luke shared his fish with Caprica ….

I may or may not have a banana or an apple with peanut butter later (depending on how late I stay up), but I’m not going to fret over posting it.

Here’s to a BRIGHTER tomorrow, my friends. XOXOXO

~ Mandy

One Day at a Time

Howdy there! Happy First Day of October! It’s that pumpkin-spiced-laced time of year now, isn’t it?

How are you doing today? I’m doing pretty well. Today was a no-makeup and a messy bun day. 😉 I also have been having digestive issues from that mayo-covered baked salmon last night, and my tummy is very pissy today (i.e. Pepto is needed), but I’ll get over it.

The stats for today:

  • 274 days sober from alcoholism
  • 85 days without vomiting up any food

I’m taking my life one day at a time right now when it comes to the ED and the mental health issues that I deal with – they’re both my struggles. Yes, my bipolar will ALWAYS be a struggle, but hopefully the eating disordered thinking will lessen with time as it’s showing to right now, just as my cravings for alcohol completely disappeared. My body dysmorphia is still rough at night when my belly is round and full, but I’m trying to push past that and simply stay STRONG and remember that my food in my full tummy is my fuel, nothing bad.

You just have to put one foot forward before the other and take it slowly but surely – that’s my motto. Just get through the day, that’s all you have to do. I’m still hanging around 120 lbs, but I’m not as concerned about that because I’m looking better, and I’m exercising and eating very well. I’m focused mainly on slowly gaining that muscle weight. Would it be *good* if I could eat a bit more? Probably, but I don’t think my sensitive digestive system could handle being more satiated – I eat a TON for me as it is, and I’m having to see my doctor about my digestive issues (I’m on some pills to help, and Pepto helps too in a pinch).

I *am* VERY happy to announce that I’m losing my irrational fear of the scale. I’m starting to associate it with positive thoughts, such as more weight being muscle gains and food/water weight, and not have such a negative attitude towards it, such as allowing it to be a constant source of panic and disgust towards myself, a personal affront.  I’m telling myself that my weight does NOT matter, but my physique DOES. And to have a good physique, I must eat very well (tons of protein) and lift weights.

Yes, I realize that my eats are probably a little bit boring – I try to eat up everything that we have before going to the store again, so I eat some of the same things over and over again. But that’s okay. This is MY blog, and if I want to share my boring eats, I’ll share my boring eats! It’s very helpful to me in beating this disorder to write about it and take pictures.

Breakfast – 10:00 a.m.

I had my usual egg whites and two turkey sausage patties for breakfast this morning with salsa on top. Still a little too filling, but I’ll work on it. Much coffee was also consumed, it was a coffee kinda morning.

Lunch -12:40 p.m.

I wasn’t too excited about lunch yet again. I simply baked some cauliflower, sweet potato, broccoli, and carrot with some seasoning salt and ate them with some hummus and Toasted Sesame Dressing. I also had a slice of deer meatloaf for my protein. I just love that meatloaf! So tasty!

Workout – 1:30 p.m. – 2:30 p.m.

We did legs today, and I did abs. To be honest, I was tired today and didn’t really want to go, but we did it anyway, and I’m so glad because I felt immensely better. No commemorative pics today as we were too busy trying to not look at some dude’s junk because he was wearing tight spandex pants and doing the leg press. Talk about gross. I’m sorry, but gross. I hope that doesn’t become a trend. Yes, I’m human, and I judge sometimes. So sue me. I’m sure some people there look at my bony body and think “gross” too … we’re all just human.

After our workout, I put on my comfy AllBirds and bleached the sinks, the toilet, and the bathtub for cleaning. Yes, I like to clean. It’s therapeutic. My first “snack” consisted of two Pepto pills and some green tea and Sprite Zero … not a very appetizing snack, I assure you, but damn, my stomach was *not* happy at this point.

Snack – 5:00 p.m.

I finally decided that I needed to stomach *something,* so I cut up some red bell pepper, placed it in a pine nut hummus container along with three slices of mesquite smoked turkey breast. I ate the turkey first to gauge my stomach and then slowly ate the red bell pepper. A good snack for an achy tummy!

Dinner – 7:00 p.m.

My stomach still wasn’t cooperating, but I needed to eat dinner, so I forged ahead and cut up a chicken breast, sprinkled it with Lawry’s Seasoning and BBQ sauce and baked it in the oven alongside some baby carrots which I drizzled with Light Italian Dressing (love that shit). I also sauteed some spinach and added it to some spaghetti squash with some vodka sauce and a dash of Parmesan.

This was an *extremely* filling meal for me, but I’m glad I ate every bite – I needed the protein.

Cocktail Hour – 7:30 p.m.

I had my usual mocktail kombucha in Trilogy tonight and sipped on it well over an hour. YUM!

Now I’m just chillin’, cleaning up a little bit more, and watching Travel Channel. I hope YOU’VE had an amazing day!

~ Mandy

Experiments in Cooking with Deer

Howdy there y’all!

The kitty cats say hello from their comfy spot on the couch!

Today I did something different and made deer meatloaf and deer meatballs out of some deer chili meat (we’re not really chili eaters around these parts). It was interesting to say the least but ultimately delicious. We have a shit-ton of deer chili meat, and we need to use it up before this next hunting season (coming up so stinkin’ soon), so I’m experimenting with it in lieu of ground beef or turkey in most recipes.

My easy peasy recipe for Deer Meatballs:

2 lbs deer chili meat (I soak mine in milk overnight)

3 eggs

1 minced onion

4 tbsp minced garlic

1/2 C milk

2 C Parmesan Cheese

2 C breadcrumbs

Liberal amounts of Oregano, Basil, Parsley, and Salt (I would say “to taste” but you really can’t taste raw meat, so just eyeball it)

Basically just mix it all together with your hands, make golf ball sized meat balls and bake for 45 minutes at 350 degrees.

The Deer Meatloaf is the same exact recipe, you just dump it into a loaf pan and bake for 1.5 hours at 350 degrees. Oh, and cover the top with ketchup and BBQ sauce (or meatloaf sauce of your choice).

Very tasty! 🙂

On a mental health note, my bipolar has been OUT OF CONTROL lately. In a manic panic, I overdosed on my Latuda last night (I wasn’t suicidal, but I was just out of my mind and looking for relief – if you have mania, you’ll surely understand this), but thankfully I checked out okay at the Urgent Care Clinic at the urging of my psychiatrist (yes, he is aware of what happened). I also don’t have to take Latuda for a few days since it’s so saturated in my system. I’m trying to keep myself stable by going to the gym (had a good workout today) and by getting out of the apartment on a regular basis, but sometimes these manic moods just happen out of nowhere. Bipolar is a harsh mistress.

Here’s my new pill organizer – I’m so excited to have it! It holds ALL my pills unlike my past ones. Sure, it cost a little bit more, but it was worth it.

And in honor of Transformation Tuesday, here is my current transformation from 110 lbs to about 120 lbs (I haven’t weighed in a few days, so I may weigh a bit more). I’m on the move – I’ve been eating well, hitting the gym like a fiend, and trying to remember that a number on a scale doesn’t define who I am.

Alrighty, that’s my spiel for tonight. Hope your day is going well!

~ Mandy