Purge is in the Past

Howdy there! How are you doing today?

I’m happy to report that my binge and purge urges are almost completely *gone.* Seriously, y’all, this is BEYOND thrilling – it’s something that I never thought I’d live without feeling constantly, and it’s just amazing to see the change in my brain – I’m much more stable mentally now, I’m on a positive path, and I’m just doing so well that it’s exciting (and a little scary at times).

I’m still experiencing stomach pains, yes, but I know my system is still adjusting to having food in it after nearly 18 years of binging, purging, and restricting (I can’t believe it’s been *that long,* you guys … it’s a terrible way to live, and I do not recommend it to anyone, even my worst enemies). I’m currently at about 124 lbs today (123.8 lbs, to be exact), and I’m just so happy that I’ve adjusted to feeling full (I’m still *not* adjusted to feeling overly full, but that’s understandable, and I try to avoid those situations by simply listening to my tummy), and I have adjusted to knowing that the scale will be higher during the day as I fill up my system with fluids and food.

I used to have a hard time because I was a slave to the scale – I’d step on it constantly throughout the day, and if it was even one ounce over my first weigh-in in the morning, I’d freak out and either purge or restrict or both. It was *that bad.* Now I weigh myself once a day, in the morning after I’ve used the restroom, and then I encourage myself to stay off the scale for the rest of the day as I know that my weight will be higher than my first weigh-in as the day progresses. This is HUGE progress for me, although I admit that I’m tempted to still step on the scale at times during the day.

I’m also learning to control my hunger in a positive way instead of restricting. I’m drinking a lot of water, tea, and coffee until it’s time to eat. I try to have set “eating times” – around 8 to 9 for breakfast, 12 for lunch, snack around 2-3, dinner around 6-7. I no longer count calories – I just try to eat a decent portion of whatever I’ve made and to eat only until I’m feeling comfortably full.

And you know what else is cool to me? I’m beating my ED MYSELF, not with the help of a treatment center – I obviously tried that, and it didn’t work for me. For many people, treatment centers DO help … I was just not one of those people. I had to make a choice myself, INSIDE MY HEART AND BRAIN, to get better. And because I made that choice, I’m thriving! And it’s amazing! Eating disorders are arguably a choice and yet not a choice, y’all. It’s complex. Those of us who struggle with them are wired differently somehow, and you *can* make a choice to get better – I’m proof – but it’s not a linear recovery for all, nor is it something that everyone can do, sadly.

I’m aware of the intricacy around ED’s, and I do not wish to imply that it’s easy to recover or that it is simple. Making a choice is simple enough, yes, but it’s following through and committing to that choice whole-heartedly which is decidedly complicated. Many people can recover from ED’s, and many will not. It’s an interesting conundrum to think about for me – what causes an ED, after all, is not exclusive to one thing or another. It’s so damn complicated.

In reprieve from my rant – onto my eats for the day!

Breakfast

I enjoyed 1/3 C of oatmeal with a banana, cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla, salt, and almond milk topped with granola clusters and a spoonful of PB this morning … for some reason, this didn’t taste as good as I originally thought it would, but I was hungry and ate it anyway. I think I’m missing my pumpkin stirred in at the end, but that’s okay. The pic is a little blurry, so I do apologize.

Lunch

Right before lunch, Luke and I jump-started my damnable Kia and ran a few errands … needless to say, I was ready for lunch around 1!

Lunch today was pretty bare pickings in the apartment – I roasted some carrots and broccoli with salt and lemon pepper, and I topped my veg with fiesta ranch and hummus. I also boiled two eggs and mashed them with honey mustard, S+P. Easy peasy, lemon squeeze-y.

After lunch, I ran a few more errands (trip to the stores, anyone?) and cooked some deer liver (which Luke kindly cleaned and chopped up for me) with sauteed onions, mushrooms, and bacon, and I sauteed Luke some zucchini to take to work tonight.

Snack

I wasn’t terribly hungry for my snack today, so I stuck with a kombucha …

… and an Ambrosia apple with Tajin. Hooray for apples!

Dinner

Today’s nightly nosh was deer liver sauteed with bacon, onions, and mushrooms, and a side salad of fresh mixed greens with tomatoes and Sesame Ginger Dressing. Talk about HOLY YUM, y’all. Something about liver just always hits the spot to me, and I think it’s the iron in it or some other nutrient/mineral. This dinner was a total delight!

Mental Health

Today has been a great day mental health-wise. I’ve been in a good mood, and I felt positive and upbeat most of the day. I picked up 5 out of my 7 medications today, and that made me a very happy girl (I hate running to the pharmacy across town constantly, so this was a nice change – I just need my Xanax and my Rexulti, but I’m good on those for now, so no biggie).

In other news, I’m considering getting a belly button piercing to celebrate my victories over my eating disordered behaviors. Now, my days can be far from perfect (especially with my thoughts, but I don’t often give into them) – I’ve made so much progress that I feel it’s time to celebrate my victories in some way or another. I already have three tattoos on my wrists, so I’m not thinking I want another tattoo … I think a belly button piercing may just be the ticket! Thoughts?

Have a great one, my friends and family! πŸ™‚

~ Mandy

New Year Updates

Howdy there! How are you doing today?

We’re low on groceries right now, so I’m keeping things simple ’round these parts today – I plan on going to the store tomorrow and making us a broccoli cheese chicken casserole, and we’re thawing a deer liver right now. I have a New Year’s cooking goal – I want to make us smaller dishes that will last only a day or two instead of baking a large casserole or dish that Luke tires of during the week. We usually waste a portion of those big casseroles, plus it’s less variety, and I want variety and smaller portioned dishes. I hope to be inspired to cook daily, and I’ll share my recipes on here if I try anything new.

I’m also inspired to eat smaller portions, just until I’m lightly full, instead of piling up a giant plate and overeating. I want to be comfortably full, not stuffed and bloated, and I also aspire to drink more water and tea throughout the day to keep my tummy nice and happy.

Now onto my simple eats for the day!

Breakfast

I needed something in my tummy around 8:30, so I had a nice big ol’ banana with PB and honey. Yum, yum! Coffee with stevia and cashew milk to drink, as always.

Calliope was asleep on the Xbox this morning, what a comfy kitty!

And Caprica, well, Caprica was where she always is – by Luke! Luke was on the phone and the computer a ton today before work trying to figure out school registration and the loan, and insurance for a car accident that he was in (it wasn’t his fault, but he still has to deal with the shit). I’m so proud of his decision to go back to school to pursue a PA degree … he’s a smart man and already has a high GPA, but he took about a year off from school to just work and clear his head. Persephone was nestled on the arm of the couch, as per usual. She has such pretty eyes … sweet, nasty kitt lit. Lunch

Around 12, I enjoyed two eggs with S+P and honey mustard and roasted broccoli and carrots with lemon pepper, hummus, and light Fiesta Ranch for lunch. Easy peasy.

TMI – I was having some diarrhea and tummy pain today, so I need to watch what I’m eating as I didn’t have *any* digestive troubles in Seattle. I need to try to replicate what I ate there – I definitely had more bread, butter, rice, more protein and yogurt, and less veggies (particularly broccoli). I ate *some* raw veggies and a few cooked veggies such as asparagus and broccolini there, so more veggies might be the cause of my diarrhea and stomach pain. So that’s where I’ll start – broccoli and other veg. I’ll try eating less of them.

Snack

I had a small Koru apple with Tajin Seasoning as a snack …

I also ate a piece of hot fresh French bread from United with a smear of butter around 3:30.

Dinner

I started dinner off with a cup of Farmer’s Market corn which we had vacuum-sealed … I just sauteed it with some butter and S+P.

A bit later (and after finding out that my car has a dead battery and won’t open, boo!), I had some smoked salmon from Seattle and some crackers. Simple but delish!

I also had some deer sausage, smoked cheddar cheese, crackers, and BBQ sauce since I was still a little hungry after the salmon.

I felt perfectly full after my dinner! Huzzah!

Mental Health

I started my day off evenly, or so I thought. When Luke started navigating his school situation around 10, I became manic for about two hours. Mania for me means feeling ‘zippy’ and hyper, sometimes anxious and chatty, as is what happened today. Then around 2 or 2:30, I fell down into a depression after taking my second Xanax for the day. Weird but not wholly unexpected after the mania. As of now, I’m trying to sort out my feelings and not fret over being low-ish … eating that carb-y piece of French bread with butter and talking to Luke for a bit before he went to work helped. Now I’m just watching Bizarre Foods America, drinking agua, and trying to stay warm! It’s a COLD COLD day out today – I believe it got to 25 degrees but is dropping as I type.

Alrighty, that’s what I’ve got for today. I’ll see if I pull a post together tomorrow or not.

Have a great night, my friends and family!

~ Mandy

Β 

Tummy Aches and Deer Casseroles

Hello there! How are you doing today?

The cats were very busy this morning – Calliope was kneading my blankets …

Persephone was rolling on the floor for pets as I made coffee …And Caprica, well, as you can see, she was *very* comfortable snuggling with my hubby under the covers this morning!Today I woke up with a major tummy ache – it wasn’t pleasant, so I wasn’t hungry until much later than usual.

Breakfast

I had a cup of pumpkin banana oatmeal this morning around 9 – a smaller portion than usual – with PB, granola, and honey. It was delish, but my stomach was still not very happy, boo!

I ended up taking Pepto Bismol because of my stomach pain – yuck! 😦

Lunch

I started off with a small Envy apple with Tajin around 11 as I was getting munchy.

Around 12, I roasted some carrots and broccoli with lemon pepper and salt and ate them with some salted baby heirloom tomatoes, hummus, and Fiesta Ranch (the tomatoes are at the bottom, so you can’t see them).

This is where my stomach really started to act dicey – the cramps began with a vengeance, so I took more Pepto and drank some tea … I admit that having a Sprite was on my mind at this point, but I was out of Sprite, so I had to wait. I don’t know if my lunch was too acidic or what for my tummy, but it’s been over-producing acid, and the acidity of salad dressing and such might have agitated my stomach.

Around 2, I made a deer enchilada casserole. I should really post the recipe, but it’s basically your average enchilada recipe with deer meat used instead of ground beef – it’s also got fresh Hatch chilies, onion, red bell pepper, Farmer’s Market corn, black beans, cheese, seasoning, corn tortillas, and green enchilada sauce in it as well … a pretty standard recipe.

Snack

I had a kombucha around 4 this afternoon in hopes that the probiotics in it might help my stomach. My tummy was still not feeling great, after all.

I finally caved, went to Pak-a-Sak, and got a diet Sprite with fresh lemon and lime.

I decided to have a small snack, so deer sausage, crackers, Gouda cheese, and pepper jelly were on my radar around 4:30.

Dinner

I had a bowl of deer enchilada casserole with light sour cream and salsa for dinner. It was good, but I should have doubled up the corn tortillas as they sorta fell apart amid all the meat mixture.

Hope you have a Happy Thursday!

~ Mandy

Sunday Eats

Howdy there! Yesterday I documented my eats for fun – it’s not something I aspire to do daily, but when I get a hair up my ass, I like to do it.

I was a bit low and out of it for most of the day … mood disorders are just like that sometimes. I exhausted myself by just simply existing today, but that’s okay – tomorrow will be better, I just know it! I’m just feeling a bit run down today. Depression is like having a gigantic, sad fog over your brain that’s constantly pushing and pushing you to go down, down, down … it’s hard to explain to those who’ve never experienced it.

Anyway, this is pretty representative of what I eat during the day on most days. I’m finally figuring out my stomach’s natural cues for when it’s hungry and when it’s not, which is excellent news!

Breakfast

I was up before the sun, as usual – I ate breakfast around 7:15 this morning, and it was delish! Today I had pumpkin banana oats with granola and PB in an almost-empty PB jar … coffee to drink!

My big breakfast held me over very well until lunchtime, so I was very happy with that!

Lunch

I kept lunch pretty straightforward – I seasoned and roasted carrots, baby red potatoes, and broccoli around 12, and I ate them with hummus and avocado ranch dressing.

My lunch was a bit too acidic for my stomach, so I took some Pepto Bismol and drank a mug of hot green tea.

Snack

I had some carrots and broccoli with hummus and light honey mustard dressing for my snack around 3:30. Again, probably a bit acidic, but hey, it tasted great to me.

I also had a kombucha around 5.

Dinner

At 6, I had a small portion leftover rice and venison stir fry.

Ok y’all, this really wasn’t my best day of eating – I usually eat a little more substantially, but I wasn’t feeling great, so I didn’t eat as much. You win some, you lose some (I didn’t really lose, I didn’t throw up or restrict, I just ate what my tummy wanted).

Hope you have a Happy Monday!

~ Mandy

Thanksgiving Eve

Howdy there and Happy Thanksgiving Eve! How are you doing today? What are your plans for Thanksgiving?

We have no plans tomorrow as Luke has to work and my Mom is out of town to the Netherlands, so it’s rather refreshing. πŸ™‚ I love the holidays, but I’m glad to take Thanksgiving off this year – I’m going to Seattle for about a week with my Mom and sister over Christmas to stay with Mom’s boyfriend Pieter (without Luke, boo 😦 ), so that’s going to be my biggest holiday for sure. My birthday is also on the 12th of December, so it’ll be like a giant birthday and Christmas gift to get up to Seattle. I’m super excited (but also sad that Luke can’t make it this time around).

Persephone was up bright and early with me this morning wanting attention – she’s such a silly baby! The other two kitt lits were asleep on the bed with Luke.

Breakfast

I enjoyed a cup of fresh fruit with some sugar as a start to breakfast – melon, pineapple, blueberries, raspberries, grapes, and strawberries! Talk about a sweet start to the day, I tell ya what. Coffee to drink (my coffee has cashew milk and stevia in it – I’ve given up those bad-for-you creamers, huzzah!).

Then I had a cup of Raisin Bran with cashew milk.

Lunch

I started off with a plate of roasted veggies today (yellow squash, carrots, and Brussels sprouts) with light Fiesta Ranch dressing …

… and then I had half of a sandwich with Boar’s Head ham, Boar’s Head American cheddar, honey mustard, and a few organic greens on a slice of Rudi’s honey whole wheat bread.

After lunch, I baked a pecan pie – it’s our little way of celebrating Thanksgiving.

As the pie baked, I snacked on an Envy apple with cinnamon and then had a Ginger Root Beer Zevia … my tummy became upset after the apple for some reason, poop.

Soon enough, the pie was ready!!! Huzzah for pecan pie! πŸ™‚

Not feeling all that great with my stomachache – which turned into a headache – I went to go check on my mom’s house (that’s my duty when she’s away) and ran a few errands. Then I deep cleaned the apartment (it was in need of it, read: cat hair everywhere).

Snack

I had a Siggi’s Mango Yogurt with some mixed fruit and honey for my snack today, yum!

Dinner

I was craving vegetables around 5:30, so I steamed some carrots and broccoli with S+P and ate them with some hummus and Fiesta Ranch.

And at 7, I had some venison lasagna topped with Parmesan cheese.

Again, what are your Thanksgiving plans – anything exciting? Low key?

That’s all I got today! Happy Thanksgiving Eve, y’all! πŸ™‚

~ Mandy

 

FriYay Leg Day

Howdy there and Happy Friday to you! How are you doing today?

I’m doing well today. πŸ™‚ My bipolar and my panic attacks seem to be well-managed, and I have ENERGY again after my med switch.

Breakfast

This morning I scrambled three eggs with S+P and topped them with three slices of bacon and salsa. I also had a piece of honey whole wheat toast with butter and raspberry jam. Coffee to drink.

Snack

I needed a small snack this morning, so I had some baby carrots with Sriracha ranch.

After my snack, I went to Target for a few items and nabbed a simple gray $5 clearance dress that I just adore! SCORE! It’s long enough to cover my bum and my upper legs, which always makes me happy.

Lunch

I love the recipe for Honey Soy Chicken, so I marinated some this morning to have for lunch. I baked it and steamed some yellow squash, carrots, and some giant Brussels sprouts. I topped my mashup with some honey mustard dressing and utterly enjoyed my lunch. πŸ˜‰

Workout

Today we did legs! Man oh man, my butt and upper legs were like jello after our workout …. so happy to have gone! πŸ™‚ Lifting weights truly makes me feel better about myself, so damn empowering.

Snack

After our workout, I had an Envy apple with cinnamon. Oh my, it tasted so yummy and refreshing!

I also had some balsamic roasted cauliflower with honey mustard dressing – just a little snick snack. What can I say except I love me some veggies.

Dinner

I became quite depressed around dinnertime, so I heated up some butternut squash and drizzled it with S+P and ketchup, and I made half of a ham sandwich (cheddar cheese, Boar’s Head ham, arugula and spinach, and some honey mustard on whole wheat toast).

Alrighty, that’s my spiel for today – here’s to a happy tomorrow!

~ Mandy

 

Eating Like a Wonder Woman

Hello, hello! How are you doing today? My kitt lits were being sleepy little buggers this morning, except for Persephone, who is always awake and meowing for pets when I make coffee.

I’m especially thankful for my kitties – my poor sister had her beloved chinchilla Chico put to sleep today, and it reminds me that our furry friends may not be with us as long as we’d like, but they’ll always remain in our hearts. The kitt lits will be receiving extra pets tonight.

I’m happy to report that I’m *finally* adjusted to my Xanax dosage, and I’m feeling a shit-ton better. Med changes suck, but they’re necessary sometimes, especially in my case with the panic disorder diagnosis. Yes, I still have panic attacks about once a week, but they last only an hour or so, not 6-7 hours, so I count that as major improvement.

As for my eating, I’ve made major improvements there too. I’m trying to eat high fiber and high protein for the most part – my goal is to eat three times a day, little to no snacking. My pictures are sometimes broken into several parts because I eat a bite of this and that for my meals. My weight is steadily around 120 – 122 lbs at this point (I’m 5’10”), and I’m chasing muscle mass at this point despite two weeks without going to the gym because of the med switch.

Breakfast

I woke up craving something very savory and sweet, so I made oatmeal! My mix was 1/3 C of Quaker Oats, cashew milk, a banana, 1 tbsp of chia seeds, 1 tbsp of hemp seeds, salt, vanilla, nutmeg, and cinnamon. Pumpkin stirred in at the end with a spoonful of crunchy PB! I had an empty PB jar, which is rare because I eat it so sparingly, so I put my oat mix into that (bonus: no dish is dirtied!). Coffee to drink.

Lunch

Today I had three hard boiled eggs, a piece of whole wheat toast with cream cheese and raspberry jam, and steamed broccoli and carrots with some Sriracha ranch.

I also had an Envy apple with cinnamon.

Workout

I had an appointment to take care of this afternoon, so Luke went to the gym without me and did arms. Hopefully I’ll go tomorrow. πŸ™‚ I felt pretty today in my Wonder Woman sweater, so I had Luke snap a pic. Wonder Woman is my hero, dontcha know.

Snack

I did need a snack today, so I had some steamed carrots and cauliflower with hummus and honey mustard dressing. Ginger root beer Zevia to drink. I just love Zevia, it’s a great alternative to soda.

Dinner

I had half of a tasty ham sandwich (honey wheat whole grain bread, Boar’s Head ham and cheddar, and baby arugula with honey mustard) and two pickles …

… and a Siggi’s vanilla yogurt with raspberries and honey.

Alrighty, those are my eats for the day! May tomorrow be filled with workouts and joy!

~ Mandy