A Letter to Myself + A Lazy Day in the Life + WIAW

Howdy, howdy! How are you doing today?

Today I’m sharing a letter with myself on NOT overtaking my pills and running out … I did that this weekend, and I have been UTTERLY MISERABLE, which is why I’ve been MIA on here.

Dear Self,

You overtook your Xanax this weekend and were left high and dry for THREE DAYS. This is NOT good. It’s a miserable experience for EVERYONE involved, not just for you. You have seizures (yep, I had a seizure two days ago while cooking Luke breakfast, and I ended up banging my head on the concrete floor, not to mention the soreness that comes with seizures), your eyes get out of whack, you can’t sleep, you barely eat, you barely shower, you wander around the apartment humming like a damn zombie, you have hot and cold flashes, you feel like SHIT, you can’t drive, you can’t do anything FUN like work out because you’re going through HELLISH WITHDRAWAL. You *don’t need to overtake* those meds. It’s ridiculous, and I won’t tolerate that issue again. I’m not very thrilled with myself, as you might imagine. It’s an impulse control issue, and it’s OKAY to not feel perfect ALL OF THE TIME. Throwing more pills into your system just screws you up. Luke can’t sleep when this happens, you can’t sleep when this happens, it’s JUST MISERABLE. DON’T DO IT AGAIN. It’s IMPORTANT. It’s just like drinking alcohol – you DON’T HAVE TO DO IT, and it’s not worth it.

Please take this to heart, Self,


Now onto the bones of the post – my Day in the Life on Wednesday, 3/21! Today was a lazy day as I didn’t feel up to working out, but that’s okay! It’s also What I Ate Wednesday, so here ya go!

9:00 a.m. – At 9 on the dot, I wake up with a start! I can’t believe I’ve slept so long, but I did (since 8:30 last night) – my body needs the sleep to recover, I tell myself. Luke has forgotten to set his alarm for school and is running late. I make coffee for us very quickly and get Luke out the door. I then take my first Xanax of the day and my Buspar.

9:30 a.m. – I check my email and start this blog post (I had written the letter to myself yesterday). I also make some breakfast – two eggs over easy with Luke’s Dad’s homemade enchilada sauce and chilies, and a piece of whole wheat toast with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and jam. Coffee to drink.

I also *finally* order two more Happiness Runs Tanks from Free People since I basically live in mine well as a Skinny Charm Headband in Star/Ivory as my “fun thing for the month.” I CANNOT WAIT for my Abs2bfitness Pants to arrive too … they have yet to ship, but they mentioned on the website that they’re backed up. I’m hoping they come sometime in April.

10:30 a.m. – I take my shower and put on my makeup, do my hair.

11:00 a.m. – I run to Walmart for some expensive supplies (hello kitty litter and Tide) and upon return, Luke is back and in bed reading. I take my second Xanax around 11:30. My run to Walmart was relatively warm – I only needed a light jacket, and I’m super stoked that it’s FINALLY springtime!

12:00 p.m. – I start to think about lunch and set some Brussels sprouts, broccoli, and carrot with EVOO, balsamic vinegar, S+P, and garlic powder in the oven to roast.

After the veg is done, I place them on a bed of lettuce and top with hot chicken breast and two slices of bacon with jalapeno ranch and BBQ sauce. This meal was delicious! The bacon and the BBQ really made it yummy.

1 – 2:00 p.m. – I’m not sure what happened, but I ended back in bed and half- asleep! I guess my body is trying to recover from my rough-ass few days without Xanax. I’m so glad I’m back on it for sure!

Luke was up by the time I woke up and was cuddling with Caprica on the couch.

2:15 p.m. – I want a snack, so I make a banana with Nutzo PB, chia seeds, oats, and honey.

I also make a mug of hot tea and tried to just chill out a bit. My stomach soon became unhappy, so I took some Tums. At this point, working out looks like it’s not going to happen today … I am just too tired. Calliope was looking at me judgmentally while I thought about this:

Little shit looks like she’s telling me to get off my ass and hit the gym. Sorry, kitty, it’s prolly not gonna happen today, as poopy as that is. I snatch her up and demand that Luke snap a pic!

3:00 p.m. – I also make poor Luke snap a pic of me to ensure that I’m, in fact, not getting fat. I do this from time to time, and I sure ain’t fat! I’m lookin’ BANGING (despite the angle this picture was taken from – Luke was sitting on the couch and I was standing above him, so my head looks teeny). I weigh about 130-132 lbs at this point. πŸ˜‰ I don’t check everyday. My goal is to be a muscular 140 – 145 lbs, with lots of hard work and time.

Also, I’m IN LOVE with my new nose ring – it’s the right gauge, finally, and it’s not flimsy and stays put. PERFECTION. I also take my third Xanax around 3:00 (I take one right when I wake up, one around 10 – 11, one around 2-3, and then one around 6-7). It seems like I take a lot of Xanax, and I do, but the dosage works for me. It’s when I overtake them that we have a MAJOR problem!

3:45 p.m. – Luke and I run to Pak-a-Sak and grab drinks … I get a diet Sprite with fresh limes and lemons. Luke observed as we were going up the stairs that my calves are now no longer skinnier than my damn knees, so huzzah! Do I still have issues with my body image? OF COURSE I DO. I worry that I’m fat far too often, and I often need extra encouragement from my husband to tell me that I’m absolutely not fat and am simply looking HEALTHIER.

4:00 p.m. – I vacuum and clean up the apartment after Luke knocked down copious amounts of cat hair and dust from the walls in our bathroom earlier. 😦 YUCK! I cleaned the fridge last night too, which was a big improvement. We also take some deer that was soaking in milk for about a week out and assess it – it smells like sour milk, so we toss it, and I thaw a new batch in the sink. Then I paint my nails. πŸ™‚

I also have a snack of celery and cherry tomatoes with salt, hummus, and a bit of jalapeno ranch, easy peasy. I was craving cucumbers, but we’re fresh out, so I need to grab more at the store.

5:00 p.m. – I clean the cabinets. Huzzah! Our little apartment is slowly but surely getting cleaner. Luke plays Destiny 2, and I make him some cinnamon sugar toast to snack on.

6:00 p.m. – I make a Boar’s Head ham and American cheese sandwich for dinner with avocado, tomatoes, and pickles with honey mustard. Tasty! I love ham and cheese sandwiches. πŸ™‚

I also make some hot Moroccan Mint Tea and chillax by reading Facebook and Twitter.

Around 6:30, I feel that nasty yet familiar twinge of depression setting in. Perhaps I’m worried about my weight and how much I ate today? I’m not sure. I might just be low. Regardless, bipolar depression sucks. It happens to me throughout the day – mania is much rarer for me but more pronounced than depression – and depression really isn’t a fun mood. I wanted to cry, to pout, to curl up in a ball and die.

7:00 p.m. – I’m watching Expedition Unknown and drinking my tea after taking my last Xanax of the day. I’m still in a low mood, although Luke does his best of assure me that I’m looking better than I have in my entire life, poor man. He does his best to reassure me, but it’s hard to push past negative thoughts. He even gets the scale out and lets me weigh myself – 133 lbs (after eating and drinking all day and wearing clothes).

7:40 p.m. – I make a mug sugar cookie (no pic) and try to enjoy it. Sometimes I wonder that I deprive myself of all of life’s food-y pleasures, such as sweets, and I just need something sweet every now and then.

8:00 p.m. – I take a hot bath and try to relax and dispel the depression. Some days are just better than others, and I think my decision to not work out today hit me hard tonight.

8:30 p.m. – I make yet another mug cookie (peanut butter this time) and try to shut off those negative thoughts. Afterwards, I brush my teeth and take my cocktail of meds which keep me stable-ish and help me sleep.

9:30 p.m. – It’s lights out for me! I go to sleep feeling satisfied and a bit better.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading a bit about my day … it was a PAIN IN THE ASS to write, but I did have fun regardless.

Til soon,

~ Mandy



The Day the Vaping Died

Howdy there! How are you today? I’m grumpy AF because today, Luke and I decided to toss ALL of our vape stuff and stop vaping/smoking. Yes, I’m craving that vape like crazy. No, I cannot have the vape again because it’s now in the giant garbage can outside our apartment. 😦 I’m grumpy, grumpy grumpy. I *know* it’s healthiest thing to do, plus a good way to save some money though … it’s just hard to adjust!

On a positive note, I started my day off with sit ups, so huzzah for that.


Oatmeal this morning! I had a cup of banana pumpkin oatmeal with protein granola and Nutzo PB. Coffee to drink. To be honest, I think I’ve been enjoying eggs and bacon over oatmeal lately, so I doubt I’ll make oatmeal again for a while. But this was a filling, good breakfast for today. πŸ˜‰


I roasted up some broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, and Brussels sprouts with EVOO, S+P, and garlic powder and drizzled some spicy jalapeno ranch over the top – chicken breast with BBQ on the side! I swear, I do eat other things for lunch, but this is my go-to recently because it’s so easy and delicious.


Before our workout, I had a Brown Cow yogurt in Chocolate. YUM!


Today was chest day, and thankfully there were much less college kids in the gym today talking on their phones while sitting at the machines. Overall, we had a GREAT workout, and I’m finding my chest to be stronger than usual. The lighting is complete shit in these pics, so I do apologize! AfterΒ we worked out, we threw our vapes away (leaving me in a grumpy mood) and went to the store. Afterwards, I had a kombucha.


I made some beef enchiladas tonight using Luke’s dad’s famous and homemade enchilada sauce and pickled Hatch chilies …

… so I had enchiladas with sour cream, avocado, tomatoes, and some black olives (added after I snapped the pic) for dinner tonight.

Okay, so today was NOT my best day mood-wise at all, primarily due to stopping vaping. But that’s okay – I’ll get through it and do better tomorrow!

Til soon,

~ Mandy

Getting Back on Track

Hello, hello! How are you doing today? We had a weekend full of tasty food and lounging, so it’s time to get back on track!

I *adore* this time change, y’all. It means that spring is on the way, and my schedule doesn’t get so confused compared to the winter time change (meds and all that, ya know).

Calliope was up and about this morning, scratching at the new scratching post. She’s such a sweetie.


I had two over-easy eggs with salsa, three slices of bacon, and some mixed fruit with sugar this morning at about 9. Coffee to drink.


I roasted some carrots, Brussels sprouts, broccoli, and red bell pepper with EVOO and S+P, and I drizzled on a little spicy jalapeno ranch. I also had the breast of a rotisserie chicken that I had in the fridge (it was pretty dry, but that’s okay) with some BBQ sauce for dipping. Easy peasy lunch around 12:30.


Well, our workout wasn’t great today – we did arms, but Luke and I were immediately in a bad mood upon arrival because Verdure was PACKED with high school and college aged kids on their phones, sitting on the machines (that we wanted to use), just talking on the phone and texting away, no exercising at all. I guess that’s just part of Spring Break, but still … so annoying! So here’s a pic of me looking annoyed AF (because I was totally over it).

But that’s okay – we went and we did something, after all. Better than nothing! Perhaps tomorrow will be less stupid.


I had an opal apple with Tajin as a snack today …


I started dinner off with half of a bag of bagged Dole Caesar salad kit around 5 since I was getting hungry and needed a little something-something, and it was very tasty!

And around 6:30, I had a Boar’s Head ham and American cheese sandwich with pickles and honey mustard on a Hawaiian bun. Nothing too inventive, but it was good.

Talk about a full day of good eats and exercise! I had a great day, and I hope you did too … here’s hoping that the gym won’t be so shitty tomorrow. πŸ˜‰

Take care,

~ Mandy

Goodbye, Planet Fitness

Hi there! How are you doing today? We had a rest day today on the workout front – we’ve been hitting it pretty hard and just needed to take a break (I still did my morning sit ups, however).

We also said goodbye to Planet Fitness today – we cancelled our memberships because we’re at Verdure now, and we JUST ADORE IT. Yes, it’s a pricey place, but well worth it, and it’s located right next door to our apartment complex. They have an outdoor swimming pool and hot tub going in right now, so hopefully we’ll get to swim this summer!

Onto my tasty eats for the day! I thought I did pretty damn well with my food choices …


I wasn’t too hungry this morning, so I made an egg-y breakfast with salsa, some bacon and some fresh fruit with a sprinkle of sugar. Coffee to drink. This breakfast kept me satisfied and happy all morning despite being on the smaller side.


I roasted up some Brussels sprouts (gigantic ones!), broccoli, carrot, and zucchini with EVOO, Parmesan cheese, and S+P. I served them with a drizzle of ranch and added some hot and herb-y rotisserie chicken from United with some BBQ for dipping. This meal was VERY filling (and gave me some heartburn, so I took Tums and tried to ignore it) … I probably could have made a few less veggies, but hey, I’m a creature of habit, and when I make a batch of veggies, I made a big ol’ batch. Note to self: make less veg next time.


Around 3:30, I needed a snack, so I had an opal apple with Tajin Seasoning. I debated putting PB on it, but ultimately Tajin won out.I also had a Holy Kombucha Probiotic Tea in Raspberry Pomegranate (my new favorite kombucha and flavor … Mixed Berry is also tasty!).


I was truly uncertain about what to have for dinner tonight, y’all, as I just wasn’t terribly hungry. I roasted some chickpeas, mushrooms, broccoli, and cauliflower and topped them with some roasted red pepper sauce, just to see how they’d taste to me. I ate about 1/3 of the bowl, mainly the chickpeas and mushrooms, and then put the rest in the fridge for another time.

Then I made Moroccan Mint Tea and sipped on that for about an hour. To be honest, those veggies may have upset my tummy a bit as I became nauseous at one point. 😦

Around 7, I tried something simple – a Boar’s Head ham and cheese sandwich with honey mustard and dill pickles. This set well with my stomach, hooray!

Then, for dessert, I had a Brown Cow raspberry yogurt with protein granola.

Hope you’ve had a GREAT day!

Til soon,

~ Mandy



A Few Thoughts During NEDA Week

Hello, hello! How are you doing today? It’s NEDA week, so I needed to do a post!

In case you are new here, my name is Mandy, and I’ve struggled with eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia) for nearly 18 years since I was 15 years old. I’m now 33 and and consider myself in recovery at this point in time (I relapsed about 6 months ago, so I do consider myself at risk to some extent) … here’s my story …

Eating disorders don’t discriminate, y’all. They don’t care how great your life is, what race you are, your age, sex, weight, height, etc. They are horrible mental illnesses that take away every aspect of your life and can eventually take your life too. I struggled for nearly 18 years with bulimia and anorexia, but I finally decided to fight back after my last relapse. I utterly exhausted and slowly dying from the daily and constant struggle, the vomiting, the abstaining, the worry over the stupid number of calories in a tic tac. Below is me at my lowest weight.

I was a miserable mess with my ED, as you can see in the above pic. That facial expression pretty much exemplifies the eating disorder – it’s a SAD, lonely life to live, a deadly one.

Truth be told, however, I was ultimately inspired to end my ED behaviors by my husband Luke and his two friends, Marc and Sam, who are all really into weightlifting. They truly inundated me with ideas of being fit and healthy and strong, not sickly and bony, and have encouraged me to be the same way.

Sam works at Total Nutrition and helped me with a nutritional plan and a few supplements to aid muscle weight, which is amazing. And lifting with Luke is a joy because I’ve seen so much progress in him (and Luke is HOT AF when he lifts, ha!) – Luke started out at about 150 lbs and is now up to 175 with a goal of about 185-200 lbs. He says he sees a ton of progress in me too, although I can barely see it. I guess that’s part of it – he can’t see as much progress in himself, and I can’t see that much progress in myself, but we see it in each other and encourage each other to keep going!

My goal is to be around 145 lbs and very muscular, maybe even 150 lbs (because I’m 5’10”) … to think I started out at 110 lbs is scary now. I was SO SICK then, hot damn! I started following several Instagram accounts of female lifters, and they’re an inspiration too, especially Sarah Bowmar … I want to be like her, y’all. She hunts wild game too and seems to be a genuinely honest person who shares a ton of my views on life.

All in all, I’m still new to this whole “living without an ED” thing, y’all. I just started working out again with vigor about two months ago. I’m not going to become othorexic either, that’s a major goal here too as I have obsessive tendencies. I just want to be fit, healthy, and STRONG. I want to look like a girl who could kick some ass and not be a teeny, tiny, sickly little shrimp anymore.

When we are hungry, our bodies want nutrients, not calories! It’s taken me YEARS to learn this little fact and to accept that it’s perfectly okay to have a full belly. Heck, I ate a shit ton of fried deer and gravy last night because I was HUNGRY, and it was so wonderful to feel satisfied with protein in my tummy.

I am simply a girl who got *tired* of living with ED behaviors after 18 long years and who was very inspired by my husband and his friends to weight lift and get strong. I’ve gained about 20 lbs from my low weight of 110 lbs, and I’m doing GREAT without that damn scale in my life.

I’m at a healthy weight now, my muscles are starting to actually show, and I’m looking very good (which is a new perspective for me – I used to think that bone thin looked good). I’m slowly rewiring my brain to think that strong and muscular is the new sexy, not skinny and bony. Plus, my worth is not determined by a value of my gravitational pull on a scale, period. My self worth is wrapped up in my attitude, my positive behaviors, my health, my fitness, my desire to be an honest, good, happy person, not a number on a scale.

I’ve been lifting each day and feeling *amazing* when I do – I’ve gone to a higher weight on my triceps and the preacher curls, which feels insanely good. Slowly but surely, I’m getting stronger. I’m doing several hundred sit ups each day too, hooray! Sit ups are therapy for me – they’re easy until they become too hard, and then I stop and take a break. I do them in rounds of about 30 – 40 at a time and then rest my muscles.

In Other News

The kitties are gaga over the new scratching post that we got them last night (the old one was torn up and filthy, so we finally grabbed a new one at Petsmart along with some other kitty and snake essentials).

Just look at those big ol’ eyes on Persephone! So sweet.

Scratch, scratch, sniff, sniff, goes Caprica.

Calliope just glares at the camera – “leave me to my scratching, woman”!

Random, but I also ordered two pairs of pants from abs2bfitness.com … I ordered a pair of Army Green capris and a pair of Side Strings Shorts in a gray color. I’ll do a review of them once they come, but remember to use the code “bowmar” at checkout for 15% off! πŸ™‚ I’m SUPER excited to get them.

Alrighty, onto my eats and workout for the day!


I started off with an opal apple and Tajin Seasoning this morning around 7:30. I needed something in my tummy, and this hit the spot! Coffee throughout the morning too.

I had to get out and run a few errands (picking up meds, visiting my mom) this morning, so my mind wasn’t really on food, thank goodness. My apple lasted me until 10:30, when I had a Brown Cow yogurt with some peanut butter protein granola. I just *love* Brown Cow yogurt, you guys. It’s so creamy and yummy!

After my second breakfast, I did laundry, the dishes, cleaned up the surfaces in the apartment, cleaned out the snake cage and gave him more substrate, and did my daily duty of cleaning out the cat box and cat area. I was busy! πŸ™‚

Drogo was out exploring today after I changed his bedding – he’s getting so big and fat (we fed him later in the day too, so he was a happy boy)!


I got rather creative today with lunch – I had some leftover lemon pepper chicken, so I shredded a small portion, and then I boiled an egg, cooked three pieces of bacon (because bacon makes everything better), and roasted some broccoli, carrots, and yellow squash (baked with EVOO, S+P). I made a nice salad, using a bed of romaine and leftover chopped greens as a base, and then added some cherry tomatoes, the baked veg and the proteins, and topped them all with a creamy red pepper dressing.

This was an AWESOME salad, y’all. I thoroughly enjoyed the variety in it, and I savored it slowly. I do believe I’ll be making this again. πŸ˜‰ This was a bigger lunch for me, but I ate it all!


Okay, gym confession – today it was overcast and cool, and Luke and I were both iffy about working out. However, we needed to do chest day, so we decided to go for it! It was *exhausting.* But we DID it! Here are some crappy pics of me looking angry during our workout (the lighting at Verdure is terrible). Today I resolved to try more time on the stair-master machine to try to improve my butt and calves … we shall see if that comes to pass!


After hitting the gym, I had to make a trip to Walmart and United for food. This was terribly tiring, especially after our workout, so I needed a snack around 4:30, soon after coming home. I had a mint chip brownie Larabar, a kiwi (I eat them with the skin on after a good washing), and a Holy Kombucha raspberry pomegranate tea, which tasted absolutely amazing-balls.

After my snack, I snapped a pic of my dapper hubby, who had a speech tonight over the pro’s and con’s of vaccinations (we’re pro-vac, in case you might wonder. Duh, the man wants to be a physician’s assistant, so it’s natural). He’s trying to grow his normally shaved hair out, and tomorrow we’re going to Cathy, my hairstylist, to see what she recommends he do with it as it grows. He cleans up nicely, doesn’t he?! πŸ˜‰


I tried a new recipe via Pinterest – One Pot Cheesy Taco Pasta (made, in my case, with ground venison). I admittedly was drawn to this dish because it’s a) cheap, b) we had most of the ingredients already, and c) it’s easy AF. Plus it can be made with ground venison (I always soak ours in milk for a day beforehand), which we have PLENTY of … seriously, we’re overflowing with deer. I served mine on a bed of leftover chopped salad greens with some cherry tomatoes and a drizzle of jalapeno ranch dressing.

The verdict? IT WAS GOOD! I had reservations about it because it was so simple, but this tasted very delicious. Definitely a keeper recipe!

Mental Health

I had a great day despite feeling tired overall plus a somewhat stressful misunderstanding at the pharmacy when I picked up my Xanax (I just made a quick call to my nurse, and she helped me out, as always). Mood was stable, anxiety wasn’t too bad. I’m SO GRATEFUL for my good meds, y’all. Meds are absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in this world – if they help you, TAKE THEM. For me, they represent self-care and self-preservation, two things which are essential. Counseling is also nothing to be ashamed of – I’m currently taking a break with Brenda because things have been going so well, but I surely will text her the second I need her help again.

I hope this post will help someone else struggling out there. If you’re struggling, keep fighting the good fight. YOU CAN RECOVER. If you’re fully recovered, GOOD FOR YOU and keep on truckin’!

Have a great night, y’all!

~ Mandy πŸ™‚


Intuitive Eating + It’s Damn COLD Out!

Howdy there! How are you doing today? It’s 8 degrees out, yay! (Not really, I despise the cold with a passion … I am the girl who sleeps cuddled up in a nightgown, bathrobe, and fuzzy socks at night – very sexy, I know!)

Eating Disorder Discussion and Intuitive Eating

My eating habits are similar to this particular day in general – as you see, I eat a ton in the mornings, have a goodly lunch and then I snick-snack more throughout the afternoon and evening unless I’m really hungry and need an actual meal. I also try to plan my meals ahead of time – not *too much ahead of time* but I like to start thinking about what I’m having for lunch soon after I’ve had breakfast, and so on. Yes, I probably think about food more than the average person, but that’s okay – it’s a remnant of my old eating disordered behaviors, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing at this point. See, if Luke and I plan on having a bigger meal for dinner (such as fried venison with homemade gravy, a steak, fish with veggies, going out to eat, etc.), I try to eat less during the day. Usually I just follow my instincts and my stomach when it comes to intuitive eating (I’m becoming an intuitive eater and truly believe in it!).

Mood Today

I was much more stable today than I was yesterday, thank goodness. No mania, just a touch of depression in the early afternoon. My moods did pretty well today, so I count that as a win!


I started my day off with an opal apple … no PB or Tajin on it, just a good ol’ apple. I needed something in my stomach soon after I woke up, and that was just the ticket.

And then about an hour later, I made banana pumpkin oatmeal with protein granola and a maple syrup drizzle (no almond butter today b/c we were out of it, poop!). But I must say that I didn’t really *miss* my usual nut butter today. In fact, maple syrup was a nice change for me, so I may forgo nut butters more often in the future on my oatmeal. Oatmeal is a bit of a calorie bomb even without it (especially the way I fix my oatmeal), but I do love me some hot oats on a chilly-ass day.

I had a very productive morning despite the chill in the air – I picked up my meds, went to Whataburger with Luke to get him some breakfast, and we also dropped off our tax info to the accountant. Then we ran to United to grab a few things like chicken breasts and yogurt (I wanted chicken for my lunch).

While I made lunch, Luke and Caprica snuggled. πŸ™‚


I tried a Parmesan-covered chicken breast from United today – I baked it along with Brussels sprouts, cauliflower, and carrots and placed them all on a bed of spinach. I drizzled some jalapeno ranch over the veggies and a bit of messy and clumpy BBQ on the chicken. πŸ˜‰ That Parmesan chicken, y’all – SO GOOD. A very filling and satisfying meal indeed … so filling that I had no interest in a snack this afternoon at all.

After lunch, Luke and I chilled out (Luke took a nap), and then I braved the cold once again to hit up Walmart for some essentials.

Workout + Adjusting to My Body Changing

Today at 4, Luke and I hit up Verdure (our swanky new gym next to the apartment) to do CHEST DAY! We were there about 45 minutes (Luke is working out again with a friend tonight, so he took it a slight bit easier than usual … I, on the other hand, did not take it easy!), and we had a great workout.

I have to admit, I was just in a “so so” mood until we hit the gym – I think I was getting tired or something (I’d been running around all day), but the gym cured what ailed me. That’s why I go, y’all. It’s helping cure my issues, building up my body, mind, and soul.

As you can see in my pics above, my stomach area is getting much thicker from the front where my abs are but not from the side. I’m still *adjusting* to this development, and sometimes it’s not easy to look in the mirror, especially after I’ve eaten a big meal (see: my lunch). That’s just part of it, I suppose, but I need to keep my eyes on the prize and not fret over my fading body dysmorphia. Yes, it still rears it’s ugly head from time to time, and I still cry over my body on rare occasions, but it’s slowly dying away, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

After the gym, I had a cup of coconut pineapple water. Yum! I sure needed that! πŸ˜‰


I was more “snacky” and thirsty than truly hungry for dinner, so here’s what I had:

Some sticks of celery and a few pretzels with hummus and salsa …

… I also had a most refreshing kombucha which I sipped on for about an hour while watching Expedition Unknown …… and then I had a giant mug of Cinnamon Orange tea from Seattle with a touch of stevia. I just wasn’t very hungry at all – in fact, I had a tummy ache and took a few tums to see if they wouldn’t help. I blame my gigantic, protein-filled lunch (I practically ate the entire chicken breast, y’all). This tasty tea soothed my achy stomach and was such a treat!

I’m going to try something new, as you might have noticed today, and post in the mornings as an effort to reach out to more readers! So this post was technically yesterday’s evening post. I just want to expand my readership if I can … not really sure how except to just write, take pics, and share my experiences … and I’m on BlogLovin’ … any ideas about how to reach out to more readers, y’all?

~ Mandy



Jumpsuits + Mania

Howdy there! How are you doing today? I tried doing sit ups this morning, and man oh man,Β I was too sore to do them, so it was a rest day for my abs. I did several hundred sit ups yesterday, after all, so they needed to chill out today. I had quite the interesting and crazy day, so let’s begin with breakfast!


I had my usual three egg scramble around 8 this morning along with three slices of turkey bacon and two turkey sausages. Coffee with stevia and cashew milk to drink. This is my go-to breakfast at this point, y’all.

I had a banana with almond butter around 10 too. I get hungrier in the mornings now that I’m working out daily.


I roasted some carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, and eggplant with EVOO and S+P, and I ate them on a small bed of spinach with some roasted red pepper sauce and a Dr. Praeger’s veggie burger. A pretty straightforward lunch – veggies + a type of protein (we’re low on protein right now, so I reached for a veggie burger today).

In the early afternoon, I had MAJOR ANXIETY. I’m not sure if I was semi-manic plus had anxiety or not, but it certainly felt that way. I was zippy but too out-of-sorts to do anything productive. Soon enough, I calmed down after a few extra Gapabentin, and I was able to feel more like myself (until later, as you’ll soon see).

Luke was napping, and Calliope made herself very comfortable next to his leg! So stinkin’ cute!


Around 3, I had a mango with Tajin Seasoning and some Orange Cinnamon Tea from Seattle.

I was also needing some carbs, so I had some pretzels and hummus. πŸ™‚ Yummy. Those tasted so DELIGHTFUL. I’m trying to watch my bread-y carb intake, but I needed some pretzels this afternoon.

Mental Health and Eating Disorder Discussion

Soon after my snack, I became MANIC AF, y’all. I CLEANED and CLEANED and CLEANED. Seriously, I got under the couch, table, bed, in the crevices, EVERYWHERE – just imagine cat hair flying around like crazy and me chasing it around with the vacuum.

AHHHH, mania can be FUN. But make no mistake, it’s a hellish type of fun, I assure you … you’re literally OUT OF CONTROL of your mind and are zippy, zippy, zippy … you feel like you can do ANYTHING, no limits … this has gotten me into trouble before though, so I try to keep my activities to deep cleaning and working out. (I also try not to drive while manic, so thankfully the gym is within walking distance of the apartment).

As I was taking out the trash in a most manic fashion (sans shoes and wearing only socks, a crop top, and joggers in 46 degree weather), the mailman came with my coveted package from Free People – I had ordered the Olympus Longline jumpsuit, and it finally came! I ordered an XS, and it fits PERFECTLY! Here’s a pic of me, sans makeup and looking crazy AF, in my new duds. HUZZAH!

I told ya I was getting more muscular around my middle, and it really shows in this pic – I’m coming to terms with it, and I’m realizing how *strong* my body was meant to be, not skinny and frail. I’m getting STRONGER, HEALTHIER, HAPPIER, and if you struggle with an eating disorder, YOU CAN TOO. I’ve struggled for nearly 18 years, and at 33 years old, I’m taking back my life and my sanity. It’s totally doable … and I’m just here to share my story and encourage others to do the same.

I’m REALLY looking forward to having bigger biceps and triceps, and I’m on my way! I just want to be bigger all around, muscular and looking like I could kick some ass and not be a shrimp. Truth be told, I felt so BEAUTIFUL in these pictures, even though my hair and makeup weren’t done at all. I felt powerful, ready to take on the world (but that’s also part of the mania).

Remember when I used to look like this about half a year ago?

I am no longer that girl, and I *never want to be that girl again.* I am a strong woman who is working on getting her gains and health back! Since that picture, I’d say I’ve put on about 20-23 lbs … I don’t weigh everyday anymore, so I’m not certain of my current weight, but I’d say it’s between around the high 120’s and the low 130’s.


(As a side note, the water in our apartment wasn’t turning on after I was done with the majority of my cleaning, so I ran down to the office … they said a pipe burst and that they were working on it, poop!)

Since the water was out and I couldn’t clean more without it, I decided to put my mania to good use and went to the gym – I did the elliptical for 30 minutes at breakneck speed and felt MUCH better. If you struggle with mania, I *highly* suggest the gym. It’s so therapeutic and gets out the zippy energy. I left the gym feeling amazing.


After my workout, I wasn’t feeling too hungry at all, but I had a tangelo with Tajin.

I was feeling more snacky than hungry around 6:30, so I had some Boar’s Head turkey with cheddar cheese and red pepper dressing. Protein, delicious protein! πŸ˜‰ Tea to drink.

For dessert around 7:15, I had a Brown Cow raspberry yogurt with fresh raspberries and honey. All I can say is DELICIOUS. I am a huge fan of Brown Cow’s consistency and taste.

And that, my friends, concludes my crazy day. Again, I hope I’m helping others out there with eating disordered behaviors by posting my meals every now and then, and I hope I’m helping people with bipolar disorder and/or panic disorder too. My little blog is a rather fun hobby, but I’m hoping that I’m ultimately helping others by posting on here. πŸ™‚

Until next time,

~ Mandy