A Fashion Show + A Touch of Mania

Howdy, howdy! How are you doing today? My belly button is still very tender from being pierced, but my nose is doing well (other than when I forget I have a new piercing and made a swipe at it!). I’m lovin’ my new piercings, y’all!

Breakfast

I made a big ol’ cup of banana pumpkin oats this morning at 7 a.m. – 1/3 C of Quaker Oats with a banana, milk, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla, and pumpkin stirred in at the end. Topped with protein granola, honey, and a spoonful of PB. Talk about yummy! I just love my pumpkin banana oats, y’all. SO GOOD. Coffee with stevia and cashew milk to drink.

Snack

By 9:30, I needed a snack since I ate breakfast so early, so I settled on salted celery with hummus and Sesame Ginger dressing.

Lunch

Lunch was roasted broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, and red bell pepper with fiesta ranch and hummus.

I wanted something with protein and minerals, so I ate some leftover deer liver too.

I received some sale goodies from Free People and Anthropologie today, so I’ll share a pic of what I’m wearing today ~

I’m wearing the Free People We The People Fancy That Tee with the Anthropologie Chenille Cardigan in Black here … this damn cardigan is SO COMFORTABLE that it’s crazy! No wonder it sold out so quickly!

Here I’m wearing the Williamsburg Faux Suede Baseball Hat in Camel with the Antuanette Velvet Bolero

.. and here I’m wearing the versatile Cloud 9 Lace Maxi Top. I can wear this all year long with shorts or long pants. Suuuuuper cute!

I’m sending back two items which didn’t quite make the cut for me – the Gemma Printed Tunic (I cannot lift my arms up in this oddly-made garment, and it’s too short to be a tunic, IMO), and the Printed What a Babe Top (it was okay, but I have two other tops similar to this one which I like better because of longer torso length, so I’ll just get my money back on it).

I also ordered Free People’s Polka Tank in black and the Chambray Butterflies Midi Dress, so I’ll review those once they come. I’m also *considering* a new pair of All Birds Loungers in gray or black, but I’m unsure right now since I’ve ordered so much stuff …. think I’ll wait on those for a while as they’re always a good price, and All Birds never has sales.

Snack

I had my usual kombucha as a snack at 4 …

… and I had my usual apple with Tajin Seasoning around 5.

Dinner

I wasn’t particularly hungry for dinner, but I knew I needed to eat something, so I made a big mixed green salad with some dried cranberries, pecans, tomatoes, cucumbers, and red bell pepper topped with a (badly) fried egg and Pace Salsa. Sesame Ginger Dressing rounded it all out with a little S+P.

Mental Health

This morning, I was HYPER, y’all. Manic AF. I woke up at 5:45 a.m., I ran to the store by 7, I cleaned the house, I made food, I took a shower, all before 8 a.m. … mania is fun for me yet miserable. It’s a contradiction to describe. I get a shit ton done on my high, but I’m anxious, chatty, “zippy,” and jumpy. I finally calmed down around 10, thank goodness! I felt fine after that if not a little tired (I think my Xanax kicked in or something else).

Ok, so now I’m depressed as I’m typing this. I don’t know what happened, but I’m struggling with body image tonight. The struggle is real sometimes, y’all. I feel like this blog is stupid and that it does no good.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day,

~ Mandy

Pancakes + Piercings

Hey there! How are you doing today? I’ve been a little scattered today in the brain, but that’s okay – I’m dealing with it as it comes.

The kitt lits were busy stacking themselves on our TV stand today …

… and Drogo, satisfied from his small rat, was peeking out from underneath his water dish (he can barely squeeze himself under there now, he’s getting so fat).

Breakfast

This is obviously a reenactment of my breakfast – I ate before I remembered to snap a pic, but here ya go! I had a Maple Hill yogurt with strawberries and honey. Coffee with stevia and cashew milk to drink.

Lunch

Today I branched out for lunch and helped my husband make his mother’s lovely whole wheat banana pancakes. I had three pancakes with a bit of butter and pure maple syrup.

Here’s the recipe:

Katie’s Pancakes

Put into blender:

  • 1 C grain (we used whole wheat)
  • 1 1/3 C orange juice or water (we used OJ)

Blend until thoroughly ground.

While blender is still mixing, add:

  • 1 egg
  • Pinch of salt
  • Some honey or sweetener (we used honey)
  • 1 or 2 tablespoons of oil
  • 1 banana

After it is blended, while the blender is still mixing, add 1 heaping tbsp of baking powder. Turn the blender off immediately after baking powder gets sucked in and twirled. Wait and watch the batter rise to the top of the blender.

Pour into greased pan or griddle – flip when there are bubbles on top (we sprayed Pam on the cast iron skillet each time we added a new pancake, FYI). Enjoy!

I also had a small amount of roasted carrots and broccoli and a taste of celery with hummus and Fiesta ranch dressing to add some veg to my diet. Carb-y things like pancakes don’t keep me full but veg does.

After lunch and after running an errand with Luke, I decided to do something special – I went and got my naval pierced at our awesome local American Vengeance Tattoo! I also added on a nose piercing to boot! I wanted a nice change for myself, and while I’ve had my nose pierced before, I plan on keeping this hole from closing. 🙂 I’m in a chapter of my life, and this new year seemed like a great time to do a little something-something for myself since I don’t want another tattoo right now. Tonight my belly button is tender, but my nose is fine. It’s funny – the nose piercing hurt much more than the belly button, which I wasn’t expecting at all.

Snack

I had a ‘bucha …

… and a medium Ambrosia apple with Tajin Seasoning.

Dinner

I enjoyed a simple mixed super green salad with cucumbers, tomatoes, S+P,  Sesame Ginger Dressing, and some hot rotisserie chicken breast and a scoop of leftover liver, onions, bacon, and mushrooms for din-din. Easy peasy and so tasty! I added a bit of BBQ to the chicken after taking this pic, but no biggie.

Mental Health

I had a mini-anxiety attack this morning – my eyes crossed, but I was able to keep it together … I’m glad I’m back on Xanax because I think it truly does help me.

I called my nurse and requested that I take 1 mg extended release pill 4 times a day instead of 2 mg twice a day, and she okayed this request after talking to the nurse practitioner. My pharmacy prescribed it to me a little differently this go-around because I needed extra for my trip to Seattle, and I needed it immediately, and that’s the dosage they had available. I like this dosage better than 2 mg twice a day as I think it keeps me more stable.

I also called my dear mom and chatted with her for a bit; she helps keep my mind together when I talk to her – I don’t want to wake my sleeping husband when I have these attacks, and my mom and my sister are both very available to me, which is amazing. I’m so grateful for them.

Other than that, I was pretty stable today, so I count that as a win. 😉

Hope you’ve had a fabulous day – and please remember that ED recovery and mental stability *is* possible, but it takes time and experimentation to tailor a system which is right for you and no one else!

~ Mandy

 

Purge is in the Past

Howdy there! How are you doing today?

I’m happy to report that my binge and purge urges are almost completely *gone.* Seriously, y’all, this is BEYOND thrilling – it’s something that I never thought I’d live without feeling constantly, and it’s just amazing to see the change in my brain – I’m much more stable mentally now, I’m on a positive path, and I’m just doing so well that it’s exciting (and a little scary at times).

I’m still experiencing stomach pains, yes, but I know my system is still adjusting to having food in it after nearly 18 years of binging, purging, and restricting (I can’t believe it’s been *that long,* you guys … it’s a terrible way to live, and I do not recommend it to anyone, even my worst enemies). I’m currently at about 124 lbs today (123.8 lbs, to be exact), and I’m just so happy that I’ve adjusted to feeling full (I’m still *not* adjusted to feeling overly full, but that’s understandable, and I try to avoid those situations by simply listening to my tummy), and I have adjusted to knowing that the scale will be higher during the day as I fill up my system with fluids and food.

I used to have a hard time because I was a slave to the scale – I’d step on it constantly throughout the day, and if it was even one ounce over my first weigh-in in the morning, I’d freak out and either purge or restrict or both. It was *that bad.* Now I weigh myself once a day, in the morning after I’ve used the restroom, and then I encourage myself to stay off the scale for the rest of the day as I know that my weight will be higher than my first weigh-in as the day progresses. This is HUGE progress for me, although I admit that I’m tempted to still step on the scale at times during the day.

I’m also learning to control my hunger in a positive way instead of restricting. I’m drinking a lot of water, tea, and coffee until it’s time to eat. I try to have set “eating times” – around 8 to 9 for breakfast, 12 for lunch, snack around 2-3, dinner around 6-7. I no longer count calories – I just try to eat a decent portion of whatever I’ve made and to eat only until I’m feeling comfortably full.

And you know what else is cool to me? I’m beating my ED MYSELF, not with the help of a treatment center – I obviously tried that, and it didn’t work for me. For many people, treatment centers DO help … I was just not one of those people. I had to make a choice myself, INSIDE MY HEART AND BRAIN, to get better. And because I made that choice, I’m thriving! And it’s amazing! Eating disorders are arguably a choice and yet not a choice, y’all. It’s complex. Those of us who struggle with them are wired differently somehow, and you *can* make a choice to get better – I’m proof – but it’s not a linear recovery for all, nor is it something that everyone can do, sadly.

I’m aware of the intricacy around ED’s, and I do not wish to imply that it’s easy to recover or that it is simple. Making a choice is simple enough, yes, but it’s following through and committing to that choice whole-heartedly which is decidedly complicated. Many people can recover from ED’s, and many will not. It’s an interesting conundrum to think about for me – what causes an ED, after all, is not exclusive to one thing or another. It’s so damn complicated.

In reprieve from my rant – onto my eats for the day!

Breakfast

I enjoyed 1/3 C of oatmeal with a banana, cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla, salt, and almond milk topped with granola clusters and a spoonful of PB this morning … for some reason, this didn’t taste as good as I originally thought it would, but I was hungry and ate it anyway. I think I’m missing my pumpkin stirred in at the end, but that’s okay. The pic is a little blurry, so I do apologize.

Lunch

Right before lunch, Luke and I jump-started my damnable Kia and ran a few errands … needless to say, I was ready for lunch around 1!

Lunch today was pretty bare pickings in the apartment – I roasted some carrots and broccoli with salt and lemon pepper, and I topped my veg with fiesta ranch and hummus. I also boiled two eggs and mashed them with honey mustard, S+P. Easy peasy, lemon squeeze-y.

After lunch, I ran a few more errands (trip to the stores, anyone?) and cooked some deer liver (which Luke kindly cleaned and chopped up for me) with sauteed onions, mushrooms, and bacon, and I sauteed Luke some zucchini to take to work tonight.

Snack

I wasn’t terribly hungry for my snack today, so I stuck with a kombucha …

… and an Ambrosia apple with Tajin. Hooray for apples!

Dinner

Today’s nightly nosh was deer liver sauteed with bacon, onions, and mushrooms, and a side salad of fresh mixed greens with tomatoes and Sesame Ginger Dressing. Talk about HOLY YUM, y’all. Something about liver just always hits the spot to me, and I think it’s the iron in it or some other nutrient/mineral. This dinner was a total delight!

Mental Health

Today has been a great day mental health-wise. I’ve been in a good mood, and I felt positive and upbeat most of the day. I picked up 5 out of my 7 medications today, and that made me a very happy girl (I hate running to the pharmacy across town constantly, so this was a nice change – I just need my Xanax and my Rexulti, but I’m good on those for now, so no biggie).

In other news, I’m considering getting a belly button piercing to celebrate my victories over my eating disordered behaviors. Now, my days can be far from perfect (especially with my thoughts, but I don’t often give into them) – I’ve made so much progress that I feel it’s time to celebrate my victories in some way or another. I already have three tattoos on my wrists, so I’m not thinking I want another tattoo … I think a belly button piercing may just be the ticket! Thoughts?

Have a great one, my friends and family! 🙂

~ Mandy

New Year Updates

Howdy there! How are you doing today?

We’re low on groceries right now, so I’m keeping things simple ’round these parts today – I plan on going to the store tomorrow and making us a broccoli cheese chicken casserole, and we’re thawing a deer liver right now. I have a New Year’s cooking goal – I want to make us smaller dishes that will last only a day or two instead of baking a large casserole or dish that Luke tires of during the week. We usually waste a portion of those big casseroles, plus it’s less variety, and I want variety and smaller portioned dishes. I hope to be inspired to cook daily, and I’ll share my recipes on here if I try anything new.

I’m also inspired to eat smaller portions, just until I’m lightly full, instead of piling up a giant plate and overeating. I want to be comfortably full, not stuffed and bloated, and I also aspire to drink more water and tea throughout the day to keep my tummy nice and happy.

Now onto my simple eats for the day!

Breakfast

I needed something in my tummy around 8:30, so I had a nice big ol’ banana with PB and honey. Yum, yum! Coffee with stevia and cashew milk to drink, as always.

Calliope was asleep on the Xbox this morning, what a comfy kitty!

And Caprica, well, Caprica was where she always is – by Luke! Luke was on the phone and the computer a ton today before work trying to figure out school registration and the loan, and insurance for a car accident that he was in (it wasn’t his fault, but he still has to deal with the shit). I’m so proud of his decision to go back to school to pursue a PA degree … he’s a smart man and already has a high GPA, but he took about a year off from school to just work and clear his head. Persephone was nestled on the arm of the couch, as per usual. She has such pretty eyes … sweet, nasty kitt lit. Lunch

Around 12, I enjoyed two eggs with S+P and honey mustard and roasted broccoli and carrots with lemon pepper, hummus, and light Fiesta Ranch for lunch. Easy peasy.

TMI – I was having some diarrhea and tummy pain today, so I need to watch what I’m eating as I didn’t have *any* digestive troubles in Seattle. I need to try to replicate what I ate there – I definitely had more bread, butter, rice, more protein and yogurt, and less veggies (particularly broccoli). I ate *some* raw veggies and a few cooked veggies such as asparagus and broccolini there, so more veggies might be the cause of my diarrhea and stomach pain. So that’s where I’ll start – broccoli and other veg. I’ll try eating less of them.

Snack

I had a small Koru apple with Tajin Seasoning as a snack …

I also ate a piece of hot fresh French bread from United with a smear of butter around 3:30.

Dinner

I started dinner off with a cup of Farmer’s Market corn which we had vacuum-sealed … I just sauteed it with some butter and S+P.

A bit later (and after finding out that my car has a dead battery and won’t open, boo!), I had some smoked salmon from Seattle and some crackers. Simple but delish!

I also had some deer sausage, smoked cheddar cheese, crackers, and BBQ sauce since I was still a little hungry after the salmon.

I felt perfectly full after my dinner! Huzzah!

Mental Health

I started my day off evenly, or so I thought. When Luke started navigating his school situation around 10, I became manic for about two hours. Mania for me means feeling ‘zippy’ and hyper, sometimes anxious and chatty, as is what happened today. Then around 2 or 2:30, I fell down into a depression after taking my second Xanax for the day. Weird but not wholly unexpected after the mania. As of now, I’m trying to sort out my feelings and not fret over being low-ish … eating that carb-y piece of French bread with butter and talking to Luke for a bit before he went to work helped. Now I’m just watching Bizarre Foods America, drinking agua, and trying to stay warm! It’s a COLD COLD day out today – I believe it got to 25 degrees but is dropping as I type.

Alrighty, that’s what I’ve got for today. I’ll see if I pull a post together tomorrow or not.

Have a great night, my friends and family!

~ Mandy

 

Seattle for Christmas + Hello 2018

Howdy, howdy, and Happy New Year’s Day! I’m back from Seattle, and I had a fabulous time!

Here are some pics … we had a white Christmas, as you can clearly see!

Now onto my writing for today – HELLO 2018, GOODBYE 2017!

I’ve grown so much in 2017. I’m officially one year without drinking, I’m getting so much better at recognizing and managing my eating disordered behaviors, and I’m a healthier, happier person. Yes, I relapsed this past year for a few months, but I’m back to a healthy weight now, and I’m just taking it one day at a time – that’s all we can really do, after all!

So that’s my motto for this year: take it one day at a time. I plan to continue working out and eating well into 2018, and I’ll see where that takes me! I hope to enjoy cooking a bit more this year and to try new recipes. I love me some veggies, as y’all know, but I need to branch out with proteins.

I’m still battling my brain which often tells me I’m too fat, not thin enough, but I’m learning that I *am fine* just the way I am. I’ll never be a size 0, and that’s perfectly fine, and I’m not meant to weigh 110 lbs, and that’s perfectly fine too! I’m a tall girl who needs to be more muscular and fit, not thinner. Thin is no longer my goal, despite what my brain tells me sometimes. FIT is my goal for 2018, fit and healthy, not thin and skeletal. Fit, healthy, and ultimately HAPPY.

Here’s to a Happy 2018, y’all!

~ Mandy

 

Tummy Aches and Deer Casseroles

Hello there! How are you doing today?

The cats were very busy this morning – Calliope was kneading my blankets …

Persephone was rolling on the floor for pets as I made coffee …And Caprica, well, as you can see, she was *very* comfortable snuggling with my hubby under the covers this morning!Today I woke up with a major tummy ache – it wasn’t pleasant, so I wasn’t hungry until much later than usual.

Breakfast

I had a cup of pumpkin banana oatmeal this morning around 9 – a smaller portion than usual – with PB, granola, and honey. It was delish, but my stomach was still not very happy, boo!

I ended up taking Pepto Bismol because of my stomach pain – yuck! 😦

Lunch

I started off with a small Envy apple with Tajin around 11 as I was getting munchy.

Around 12, I roasted some carrots and broccoli with lemon pepper and salt and ate them with some salted baby heirloom tomatoes, hummus, and Fiesta Ranch (the tomatoes are at the bottom, so you can’t see them).

This is where my stomach really started to act dicey – the cramps began with a vengeance, so I took more Pepto and drank some tea … I admit that having a Sprite was on my mind at this point, but I was out of Sprite, so I had to wait. I don’t know if my lunch was too acidic or what for my tummy, but it’s been over-producing acid, and the acidity of salad dressing and such might have agitated my stomach.

Around 2, I made a deer enchilada casserole. I should really post the recipe, but it’s basically your average enchilada recipe with deer meat used instead of ground beef – it’s also got fresh Hatch chilies, onion, red bell pepper, Farmer’s Market corn, black beans, cheese, seasoning, corn tortillas, and green enchilada sauce in it as well … a pretty standard recipe.

Snack

I had a kombucha around 4 this afternoon in hopes that the probiotics in it might help my stomach. My tummy was still not feeling great, after all.

I finally caved, went to Pak-a-Sak, and got a diet Sprite with fresh lemon and lime.

I decided to have a small snack, so deer sausage, crackers, Gouda cheese, and pepper jelly were on my radar around 4:30.

Dinner

I had a bowl of deer enchilada casserole with light sour cream and salsa for dinner. It was good, but I should have doubled up the corn tortillas as they sorta fell apart amid all the meat mixture.

Hope you have a Happy Thursday!

~ Mandy

Sunday Eats

Howdy there! Yesterday I documented my eats for fun – it’s not something I aspire to do daily, but when I get a hair up my ass, I like to do it.

I was a bit low and out of it for most of the day … mood disorders are just like that sometimes. I exhausted myself by just simply existing today, but that’s okay – tomorrow will be better, I just know it! I’m just feeling a bit run down today. Depression is like having a gigantic, sad fog over your brain that’s constantly pushing and pushing you to go down, down, down … it’s hard to explain to those who’ve never experienced it.

Anyway, this is pretty representative of what I eat during the day on most days. I’m finally figuring out my stomach’s natural cues for when it’s hungry and when it’s not, which is excellent news!

Breakfast

I was up before the sun, as usual – I ate breakfast around 7:15 this morning, and it was delish! Today I had pumpkin banana oats with granola and PB in an almost-empty PB jar … coffee to drink!

My big breakfast held me over very well until lunchtime, so I was very happy with that!

Lunch

I kept lunch pretty straightforward – I seasoned and roasted carrots, baby red potatoes, and broccoli around 12, and I ate them with hummus and avocado ranch dressing.

My lunch was a bit too acidic for my stomach, so I took some Pepto Bismol and drank a mug of hot green tea.

Snack

I had some carrots and broccoli with hummus and light honey mustard dressing for my snack around 3:30. Again, probably a bit acidic, but hey, it tasted great to me.

I also had a kombucha around 5.

Dinner

At 6, I had a small portion leftover rice and venison stir fry.

Ok y’all, this really wasn’t my best day of eating – I usually eat a little more substantially, but I wasn’t feeling great, so I didn’t eat as much. You win some, you lose some (I didn’t really lose, I didn’t throw up or restrict, I just ate what my tummy wanted).

Hope you have a Happy Monday!

~ Mandy