A Letter to Myself + A Lazy Day in the Life + WIAW

Howdy, howdy! How are you doing today?

Today I’m sharing a letter with myself on NOT overtaking my pills and running out … I did that this weekend, and I have been UTTERLY MISERABLE, which is why I’ve been MIA on here.

Dear Self,

You overtook your Xanax this weekend and were left high and dry for THREE DAYS. This is NOT good. It’s a miserable experience for EVERYONE involved, not just for you. You have seizures (yep, I had a seizure two days ago while cooking Luke breakfast, and I ended up banging my head on the concrete floor, not to mention the soreness that comes with seizures), your eyes get out of whack, you can’t sleep, you barely eat, you barely shower, you wander around the apartment humming like a damn zombie, you have hot and cold flashes, you feel like SHIT, you can’t drive, you can’t do anything FUN like work out because you’re going through HELLISH WITHDRAWAL. You *don’t need to overtake* those meds. It’s ridiculous, and I won’t tolerate that issue again. I’m not very thrilled with myself, as you might imagine. It’s an impulse control issue, and it’s OKAY to not feel perfect ALL OF THE TIME. Throwing more pills into your system just screws you up. Luke can’t sleep when this happens, you can’t sleep when this happens, it’s JUST MISERABLE. DON’T DO IT AGAIN. It’s IMPORTANT. It’s just like drinking alcohol – you DON’T HAVE TO DO IT, and it’s not worth it.

Please take this to heart, Self,

~Mandy

Now onto the bones of the post – my Day in the Life on Wednesday, 3/21! Today was a lazy day as I didn’t feel up to working out, but that’s okay! It’s also What I Ate Wednesday, so here ya go!

9:00 a.m. – At 9 on the dot, I wake up with a start! I can’t believe I’ve slept so long, but I did (since 8:30 last night) – my body needs the sleep to recover, I tell myself. Luke has forgotten to set his alarm for school and is running late. I make coffee for us very quickly and get Luke out the door. I then take my first Xanax of the day and my Buspar.

9:30 a.m. – I check my email and start this blog post (I had written the letter to myself yesterday). I also make some breakfast – two eggs over easy with Luke’s Dad’s homemade enchilada sauce and chilies, and a piece of whole wheat toast with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and jam. Coffee to drink.

I also *finally* order two more Happiness Runs Tanks from Free People since I basically live in mine well as a Skinny Charm Headband in Star/Ivory as my “fun thing for the month.” I CANNOT WAIT for my Abs2bfitness Pants to arrive too … they have yet to ship, but they mentioned on the website that they’re backed up. I’m hoping they come sometime in April.

10:30 a.m. – I take my shower and put on my makeup, do my hair.

11:00 a.m. – I run to Walmart for some expensive supplies (hello kitty litter and Tide) and upon return, Luke is back and in bed reading. I take my second Xanax around 11:30. My run to Walmart was relatively warm – I only needed a light jacket, and I’m super stoked that it’s FINALLY springtime!

12:00 p.m. – I start to think about lunch and set some Brussels sprouts, broccoli, and carrot with EVOO, balsamic vinegar, S+P, and garlic powder in the oven to roast.

After the veg is done, I place them on a bed of lettuce and top with hot chicken breast and two slices of bacon with jalapeno ranch and BBQ sauce. This meal was delicious! The bacon and the BBQ really made it yummy.

1 – 2:00 p.m. – I’m not sure what happened, but I ended back in bed and half- asleep! I guess my body is trying to recover from my rough-ass few days without Xanax. I’m so glad I’m back on it for sure!

Luke was up by the time I woke up and was cuddling with Caprica on the couch.

2:15 p.m. – I want a snack, so I make a banana with Nutzo PB, chia seeds, oats, and honey.

I also make a mug of hot tea and tried to just chill out a bit. My stomach soon became unhappy, so I took some Tums. At this point, working out looks like it’s not going to happen today … I am just too tired. Calliope was looking at me judgmentally while I thought about this:

Little shit looks like she’s telling me to get off my ass and hit the gym. Sorry, kitty, it’s prolly not gonna happen today, as poopy as that is. I snatch her up and demand that Luke snap a pic!

3:00 p.m. – I also make poor Luke snap a pic of me to ensure that I’m, in fact, not getting fat. I do this from time to time, and I sure ain’t fat! I’m lookin’ BANGING (despite the angle this picture was taken from – Luke was sitting on the couch and I was standing above him, so my head looks teeny). I weigh about 130-132 lbs at this point. 😉 I don’t check everyday. My goal is to be a muscular 140 – 145 lbs, with lots of hard work and time.

Also, I’m IN LOVE with my new nose ring – it’s the right gauge, finally, and it’s not flimsy and stays put. PERFECTION. I also take my third Xanax around 3:00 (I take one right when I wake up, one around 10 – 11, one around 2-3, and then one around 6-7). It seems like I take a lot of Xanax, and I do, but the dosage works for me. It’s when I overtake them that we have a MAJOR problem!

3:45 p.m. – Luke and I run to Pak-a-Sak and grab drinks … I get a diet Sprite with fresh limes and lemons. Luke observed as we were going up the stairs that my calves are now no longer skinnier than my damn knees, so huzzah! Do I still have issues with my body image? OF COURSE I DO. I worry that I’m fat far too often, and I often need extra encouragement from my husband to tell me that I’m absolutely not fat and am simply looking HEALTHIER.

4:00 p.m. – I vacuum and clean up the apartment after Luke knocked down copious amounts of cat hair and dust from the walls in our bathroom earlier. 😦 YUCK! I cleaned the fridge last night too, which was a big improvement. We also take some deer that was soaking in milk for about a week out and assess it – it smells like sour milk, so we toss it, and I thaw a new batch in the sink. Then I paint my nails. 🙂

I also have a snack of celery and cherry tomatoes with salt, hummus, and a bit of jalapeno ranch, easy peasy. I was craving cucumbers, but we’re fresh out, so I need to grab more at the store.

5:00 p.m. – I clean the cabinets. Huzzah! Our little apartment is slowly but surely getting cleaner. Luke plays Destiny 2, and I make him some cinnamon sugar toast to snack on.

6:00 p.m. – I make a Boar’s Head ham and American cheese sandwich for dinner with avocado, tomatoes, and pickles with honey mustard. Tasty! I love ham and cheese sandwiches. 🙂

I also make some hot Moroccan Mint Tea and chillax by reading Facebook and Twitter.

Around 6:30, I feel that nasty yet familiar twinge of depression setting in. Perhaps I’m worried about my weight and how much I ate today? I’m not sure. I might just be low. Regardless, bipolar depression sucks. It happens to me throughout the day – mania is much rarer for me but more pronounced than depression – and depression really isn’t a fun mood. I wanted to cry, to pout, to curl up in a ball and die.

7:00 p.m. – I’m watching Expedition Unknown and drinking my tea after taking my last Xanax of the day. I’m still in a low mood, although Luke does his best of assure me that I’m looking better than I have in my entire life, poor man. He does his best to reassure me, but it’s hard to push past negative thoughts. He even gets the scale out and lets me weigh myself – 133 lbs (after eating and drinking all day and wearing clothes).

7:40 p.m. – I make a mug sugar cookie (no pic) and try to enjoy it. Sometimes I wonder that I deprive myself of all of life’s food-y pleasures, such as sweets, and I just need something sweet every now and then.

8:00 p.m. – I take a hot bath and try to relax and dispel the depression. Some days are just better than others, and I think my decision to not work out today hit me hard tonight.

8:30 p.m. – I make yet another mug cookie (peanut butter this time) and try to shut off those negative thoughts. Afterwards, I brush my teeth and take my cocktail of meds which keep me stable-ish and help me sleep.

9:30 p.m. – It’s lights out for me! I go to sleep feeling satisfied and a bit better.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading a bit about my day … it was a PAIN IN THE ASS to write, but I did have fun regardless.

Til soon,

~ Mandy