Back on the Wagon

Howdy there! How are you doing today? I’m back on the healthy eating bandwagon today … yesterday was filled with indulgence, and my tummy was literally stuffed to the gills with greasy meat, fried foods, and sugary goodies. I thought briefly about throwing in the towel and *not* documenting my eats yesterday, but I pushed past my trepidation and posted on the new motorcycle and my food anyway, and I’m glad I did! It’s okay to indulge on occasion, after all. πŸ™‚ Today I was bloated though, and I didn’t sleep very well last night because my stomach was just so stinkin’ full of junk! Healthy eating challenge accepted today.

So without further adieu, onto the eats of the day!

I had a slice of Dave’s Killer Bread with 1/2 of a baby avocado, an egg, and salsa for breakfast. 1 cup of coffee with salted caramel chocolate creamer to drink … I switched to vanilla chai tea after savoring my one creamy cuppa, and that seemed to do the trick.

Celery and Laughing Cow Cheese as a snack! Crunch, crunch, crunch.

I had some major anxiety this morning as my Dad wanted me to come see a new crock pot that he bought (really just an excuse to see us), and seeing him is a big source of terror. He kind of tricked me into agreeing that I’d come see him today – I’m too much of a people pleaser –Β  and I did not want to go. He’s a source of terrible anxiety, PTSD, and is also a trigger for my eating disordered behaviors.

I try to remember that I’m *stronger* than he is – I beat alcoholism, after all, and he hasn’t been able to do that – and that he is no longer in control of my life and can do nothing else to hurt me, not if I don’t let him. All in all my anxiety was in vain as we had a nice visit around 1:30, and he talked primarily about cooking and the work he’s been doing at the ranch. We plan on visiting the ranch around the 4th of July, so that’s good.

Lunch was a big ol’ bowl of fruit! Strawberries, red grapes, and raspberries for the win! So yummy, fresh, and delightful. I just adore fruit.

Luke and I also ran some errands and went to the store this afternoon, and despite spending a fortune on kitty litter and cat food (Petsmart got some $$ from us today), we also got the ingredients to make enchiladas. I whipped up a batch when we got home for Luke’s dinners when he works!

Soon after I made enchiladas, it was 5 o’clock and my cocktail time! I had a Hibiscus Ginger Kombucha and some cucumber and bell pepper with salsa … the salsa kinda plopped onto the plate, so please ignore the messiness. I also ate a peach.

Luke went riding on his new bike with Joe, so I was on my own for dinner tonight. I had leftover rotisserie chicken and needed to eat it up, so I served it on spinach and some roasted broccoli and cauliflower, and I drizzled on some light Fiesta Ranch. This was a very beige dinner, but it was tasty and very filling!

Now I’m snuggled up in my bathrobe, am chilling with some mint green tea, and am watching Expedition Unknown, one of my favorite shows. I need to clean up the apartment, but the cats and I are being lazy. Oh well, I’ll clean up in an hour or two. πŸ˜‰ Today’s eats seemed to be healthy and light, so I’m happy about that … I need to keep cleansing my system from that junky day I had!

Have a pleasant evening, y’all!

~ Mandy

 

 

Father’s Day

Howdy there! How are you doing today? My post is a little bit off today compared to my usual eats. Father’s Day has brought up a host of anxiety and mania for me (bad memories of my father, ya know – he’s the source of my PTSD, and it’s difficult).

I texted my Dad and wished him a happy Father’s Day, and then he unfortunately texted back that I needed to come see him today and watch DVDs on his sound system. I FREAKED, y’all.

My Dad and I don’t talk very much – we never call but only text, and we text very rarely – so this development just threw my anxiety into high gear. I raced around the apartment doing nothing at all – I was in full blown panic mode! Luckily I was honest and told my Dad that I didn’t feel well enough to get out to see him today, and that was that. After I did that, I fell into a manic state and started deep cleaning like a fiend (that’s what I do when I’m manic, y’all, I CLEAN).

Breakfast was a nice big Ambrosia apple. I wasn’t in the mood for peanut butter or cinnamon on it, I just wanted to taste the apple in all of it’s pure glory, so I went with it.

Here’s where my day gets weird: I truly wasn’t hungry at all. Something about Father’s Day put me off food, I think – it brings up high anxieties and bad memories for me, and my mania and panic didn’t help one bit. Throughout the day, I sipped on ice cold water, and for some reason, it kept me very satisfied.

At 3:00, I had a coffee with salted caramel chocolate creamer and thoroughly enjoyed it. Still not hungry. In fact, I had a knot in my stomach after I drank my coffee.

At 5:00, I had my usual kombucha – Gingerade this time ’round, and it sure was refreshing.

Around 5:30, I decided to try eating some fruit, so I had a cup of pineapple and a cup of watermelon with Tajin Seasoning. It was delicious.

Around 7:00, I ate some roasted veg – broccoli, zucchini, yellow squash, carrot, green onion, and jalapenos. I topped them with my usual 2 tbsp of Fiesta Ranch, 2 tbsp of hummus, and some salsa.

I’m exhausted now from my mania and am planning on taking a bath and having some tea or coffee. I hope you had a better Father’s Day than I did for sure!

~ Mandy

 

 

Just Horsing Around

Howdy there! How are you doing on this pretty Sunday? I’m happy to report that I’m feeling better and am back at blogging again … despite having an anxiety attack this morning while I was checking on my mom’s old puppy dog, Boomer (she’s out of town right now, so I’ve been watching him).

My anxiety attack came in a wave – my eyes started doing that funny thing where they “want to look up” (it’s hard to describe, but that’s what happens when I get anxious) while I was at my mom’s house, so I finished up with Boomer, drove home, and promptly proceeded to freak out. The attack didn’t last long, thankfully, and I didn’t wake up my sleeping husband. I always feel terrible if I wake him up, the poor man. My anxiety attacks almost exclusively happen in the mornings now, between 8 a.m. to 11 a.m. … I’m not sure what causes them, but I’m glad they subside quickly now (the effects last about 4 hours to half a day now instead of a day and a half). I handled it well today and let it simply run it’s course, no harm, no foul.

But onto the rest of my day!

Breakfast today was banana oatmeal with fresh berries, chia seeds, almond slivers, coconut shavings, and a scoop of organic peanut butter. I ate breakfast around 8 a.m. and it filled me up until lunch-time. Coffee to drink (of course).

Around 12:45, I made chicken and veggies for lunch – my chicken was simply BBQ sauce mixed with a bit of ranch and sprinkled with Panko breadcrumbs and some pepper jack cheese. The veggies were kale, red bell pepper, carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower roasted for about 30 minutes at 400 degrees. Yum! Very tasty and filling.

I had a Larabar Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough bar as a snack today … it was delish! I love Larabar products.

My sister was feeling pretty low today and wanted to go see her horses, so I offered to take her – I understand depression all too well, and when my sister needs some help, I’m happy to help her! We petted some adorable miniature donkeys today. πŸ™‚

Look at my sweet sister and the little donkey! I love this picture! πŸ™‚

DinnerΒ was a simple salad made with romaine, two hard boiled eggs, heirloom tomato, and cucumber with some light Fiesta Ranch and S+P. We were low on protein, so I just used the Incredible Edible Egg tonight.

I wanted something else after my salad, so I had a honey crisp apple with peanut butter, cinnamon, and a wee bit of granola, and it really hit the spot.

In other news, I’m thinking about buying a new purse with my dog sitting money. It’s a Brahmin (I adore my Brahmin bags!) ….

But I’m also thinking about some new workout clothes too, or perhaps I’ll save my extra $$ for a rainy day. I’m just not sure!

I had a nice day today (despite my anxiety attack and not working out due to an, ahem, poopy problem with my digestive system … TMI? Sure, why not!), and I hope tomorrow is just as bright!

Do you struggle with anxiety? How do you handle panic attacks?

~ Mandy

 

A Trip to the Zoo

Howdy there, y’all! It’s FRIDAY! How are you doing today?

I found a tomato on the floor this morning complete with a giant hole in it. Looks like the culprit kitty cats had a midnight snack (but quickly decided that it wasn’t good enough for their finicky little taste buds).

Oats in a jar for breakfast! I had 1/2 C of Quaker Oats, 1 C of almond-coconut milk, 1 banana, 1/4 C of pumpkin (it’s not pumpkin season, I realize, but I just adore it!), cinnamon, nutmeg, clove, vanilla, and salt. Not chia seeds today because I’m out (I foresee a trip to Natural Grocers today or tomorrow). I topped my oats with Cascadian Farm Organic Oats and Honey Granola, a spoonful of organic peanut butter, and a drizzle of honey. Mango-OJ with Green Vibrance to drink.

I went to the gym bright and early (well, rather dull and rainy here) this morning and did a variety of leg, abs, and arm weights for about 50 minutes. I really got my heart rate up! I can really see a marked difference in my arms and legs, y’all. My calves are getting bigger and wider, so that makes me happy! I wanted to stay and walk, but I needed to get back home to take a shower for my interview with the zoo to be a volunteer. (At home I squeaked in some sit ups and some free weights too.)

Confession: I’m not used to my abs yet. I look at my wider girth and sometimes think “Wow, I’ve gotten HUGE!” (not in a good way). My middle is my most problematic area for me mentally. I’m used to being only skin and bones, not muscle. My rib cage still shows a bit, and I can still feel my hipbones, so I know I’m not fat in my heart … my head tells me otherwise though, and I have to battle my thoughts constantly.

I wasn’t too terribly hungry for lunch as my breakfast was pretty large, but I knew I needed to eat before my interview, so I had a Chobani Flip in Tropical Escape with some raspberries and some strawberries around 12:45.

My little interview at the zoo went well, so fingers crossed that I get chosen as a volunteer!

I had a wee snick-snack around 3 … raw broccoli with dipping sauces (my usual mix of hummus, Fiesta ranch, and salsa). And an apple a day keeps the doctor away! Mine was a large Ambrosia apple with some cinnamon. Hot mint green tea with stevia to drink.

For dinner tonight, I baked some BBQ chicken breast and roasted some broccoli and some sweet potato, and I drizzled Toasted Sesame Ginger sauce on top. Holy crap, you guys – that sauce really amplified the veggies! Coke Zero with a shot of vanilla to drink.

And since it’s Friday night, I had a wee nibble of lemon pie. Yummy!

Today was a good day. Only a few minor mood swings in the bipolar department, so huzzah! Now I’m watching Expedition Unknown and am thinking about cleaning up the apartment! Have a great night, all!

~ Mandy

 

The Sensation of Feeling Full

Sunday Salutations, y’all! How are you doing today, my friends? No Cinco de Mayo partying for this girl on Friday – I’m stone cold sober and proud of it! In fact, I’m planning a post about sobriety soon … it’s such a joy!

Today I’m not going to post my meals but wanted to share some thoughts (and some kitties) with you.

Confession: I’m struggling with *feeling full* after I eat. That sounds strange, but it’s true. After years of binging, purging, and restricting, my stomach just doesn’t know what to do with itself when I eat a meal or snack. The feeling is highly uncomfortable, and I admit that I get pretty moody when I’m feeling full – I feel bloated and highly unattractive.

Last night I was texting Luke, and I suddenly had this *snap* in my brain telling me that my dinner was going to make me gain weight. He allayed my fears and assured me that I wasn’t going to gain weight from having a little extra roast and beans. Thank goodness for my hubbers! I went to bed feeling gross, but I woke up this morning with renewed vigor about my eating habits and feel reassured about my positive choices.

I’m trying to eat smaller and more frequent meals with lots of protein to combat this feeling of being too full, and I think it’s helping. It’s interesting at best to have this struggle – for 17 long years, I just didn’t keep anything in my stomach, and now that I am, my poor system doesn’t understand what’s happening to it (TMI, my farts are pretty stinky … just keepin’ it real here … I plan to do a post dedicated to my digestive system soon, poop and all). I know that it’s natural to feel full after eating (duh, when you put something into your body, it’s going to naturally expand and gain a little weight), and I hope to acclimate to the sensation. It’s just currently a battle between my mind and my stomach. My stomach *knows* what it needs and how to act, but my mind tells me otherwise … my mind can be such a liar!

Despite struggling with feeling full, I’m committed to staying healthy and to keep up what I’ve been doing. I’ve come SO FAR, y’all, and I don’t want to sabotage myself in any way. But it’s HARD AF.

Critters

This morning Calliope was comfortable on top of our paper towels, yet again.

Then she came out, played with the scratching post …

And then she had to stop and groom herself!

Caprica was asleep on the couch next to Luke’s controller …

… and Persephone was comfortable on the arm of the couch, as usual!

That’s all I got tonight! πŸ™‚

 

 

On the Lookout

Howdy all! How are you doing today?

I *may* stop logging my daily eats on here … it’s a bit of a chore to snap pics of everything. I’m unsure at this point. I enjoy taking pictures, but taking pics of everything I eat is kinda boring … maybe I’ll just talk about ED and mental health related issues instead? If you were me, would you keep posting pictures of your meals?

It turns out that I didn’t have pinkeye, thank goodness – I just scratched my eye badly and caused it to swell up! Icky but I’m very happy that it’s back to normal. πŸ˜‰

Breakfast

I wasn’t hungry at all this morning, but I had a Pink Lady apple with several cups of Joe (stevia and coconut milk added). One thing I’ve learned from my eating disorder recovery is that I ultimately need to eat at regular times, even if it’s just a small bite. I feel better in the long run, although sometimes it’s a battle to simply eat when I need to – not gonna lie, I still struggle with ED-related thoughts and behaviors (it’s been a part of my life for 17 years, y’all, and it’s a tough bitch to kick).

Lunch

I scrambled three eggs with Half ‘N Half and S+P, added a piece of cooked bacon, and an avocado with some salsa, all on two lovely flour tortillas. YUM!

Dinner

I baked Sriracha-Honey chicken for dinner and served it alongside some broccoli and squash and a pickle! BBQ sauce for dipping. (My plate is very messy, ha!)

Exercise

I needed to get out some anxious energy this morning, so I headed to Planet Fitness and jumped on the elliptical! I went for 50 minutes and then walked on the treadmill for a bit. I definitely felt better after my workout – the elliptical is my anxiety buster for sure.

Luke and I didn’t make it to lift weights today as we had a lead on his stolen bike (which has been spray painted black), went to investigate, and then drove to the police station to talk to the detective (he was surprisingly very helpful). Here’s hoping that it gets returned! We’re on the lookout!

Mental Health

In other news, I’m trying to sell some clothes via ThredUp … it seems easy enough, just put your clothes in a bag and send it off! I realize that I won’t make a grand return on my used items, but hey, I needed to clean out my closet, and the local consignment shop here closed, so I’m trying this route.

Now I’m vegging out with some hot Mint Green Tea and watching Travel Channel (my go-to channel).

xoxo y’all

Daily Rituals

Howdy y’all! I’m going to try something different and allow my readers a chance to get to know me on a more personal level, so here we go ~

Do you have any daily rituals that just make your soul sing? I have a few to share with you:

  • I love to clean the apartment daily. Lemon Pine Sol is my spirit animal. I use it on everything, from the cat box to the counters (not at the same time, ha!). Nothin’ like a nice clean rag to dirty up and some Pine Sol, I say!
  • As you might be able to tell from this blog, I adore my morning coffee. I am a creamer connoisseur and am hoping to try making my own flavored creamer sometime soon … for now, store-bought works (despite being laden with unhealthy ingredients).
  • I take a relaxing hot bath every night and shave my legs. Something about a hot bath is just so soothing, and I have a hangup about feeling clean when I slide into my bed sheets.
  • I paint my nails in the morning. I’m trying to grow out healthy and strong nails after years and years of biting them out of nervous energy, and painting them each day reminds me of how strong they’re getting (and not to take a chomp!).
  • Obviously, I enjoy my daily workout(s), and I can’t imagine my life without them. They keep my bipolar disorder on the defensive, and I love me a good sweat session to work out my anxiety … that’s primarily why I workout, y’all, to keep my demons at bay. It really works!
  • I cook dinner for my Luke every day that he’s working. I feel like it’s a special way for me to give him a part of myself … cooking is like a wonderful song that I sing well, and I get so much pleasure if he says that my food is tasty and nourishing.
  • I do my makeup and hair everyday, and I’m a bit of makeup junkie. My hair sometimes goes two days without a wash (hello, dry shampoo!), but I feel incredibly un-put together despite curling it. Perhaps I need to study up on braids for those days! I also wear sunscreen daily and do clay masks (mixed with coconut oil) to draw out impurities … my skin has taken a beating due to years of eating disordered behavior, and I’m trying to help it out.
  • Of course, how could I neglect to mention how much joy my kitties bring me each day?! I try to love on all three of them in the morning when they’re most receptive to attention. Caprica is often the first thing I see when I wake up, and Calliope comes up onto the bed every night without fail as I’m trying to fall asleep and cries her insistent little “ow, ow” for butt scratches. Ah, my dear kitties!

Alrighty, that’s a little bit more about moi! I hope to keep sharing bits and pieces of my identity on here. πŸ™‚

Breakfast

I had two hard boiled eggs with S+P and a squirt of French’s Spicy Mustard (not pictured because I promptly forgot it!) along with some strawberries and sugar. I wasn’t terribly hungry this morning, but I needed a bite to fuel my workout. I also had some Green Vibrance to drink … it tastes the way alfalfa smells, so I hope it’s worth the health benefits, ha! I should try taking it with OJ or something else that might cut the taste.

Lunch

I enjoyed half about half of a cup of cottage cheese on a bed of spinach and half a tomato with roasted carrots, broccoli, and green bell pepper (baked with my usual EVOO, S+P, and Fajita Seasoning). Hummus, ranch, and Pace salsa on the side for dipping (a teeny bit, y’all … I’m trying to cut back). Hot Matcha tea with stevia to drink.

Dinner

Tonight I made my recipe of deer tenderloin and onions (I might get a hair up my ass and post that recipe one day) … I had some deer and some skillet-roasted broccoli, zucchini, yellow squash, and kale with butter, EVOO, S+P, and garlic. BBQ sauce on the side. Easy peasy. Coffee to drink.

Exercise and Mental Health

For my first workout, I did cardio – I “elliptical-ed” for 50 minutes and walked for 10 minutes. πŸ™‚ I also did about 120 sit ups … gotta keep my core coming along, right? For my second workout, well … Luke and I got to the gym, and his intestines started hurting in a bad way. We did two machines and called it quits, so today will count as our rest day instead of tomorrow. Poor Luke had to call in sick to work since his cramping was so terrible. 😦

Mood-wise, I was fine this morning, but then I had a low spell in the afternoon which carried into the evening. It might have to do with the weather suddenly turning a little rainy and very overcast. I’m sensitive to changes in the barometric pressure and such, so this is not a far stretch. I feel exhausted and very drained as I type this post … here’s hoping that this isn’t a tread, but at this point, that’s up in the air since I’ve felt so stinkin’ low lately.

That’s my spiel for today … I’m going to take a hot bath and see if that doesn’t help out my mood. Good night, all!