Back on the Wagon

Howdy there! How are you doing today? I’m back on the healthy eating bandwagon today … yesterday was filled with indulgence, and my tummy was literally stuffed to the gills with greasy meat, fried foods, and sugary goodies. I thought briefly about throwing in the towel and *not* documenting my eats yesterday, but I pushed past my trepidation and posted on the new motorcycle and my food anyway, and I’m glad I did! It’s okay to indulge on occasion, after all. πŸ™‚ Today I was bloated though, and I didn’t sleep very well last night because my stomach was just so stinkin’ full of junk! Healthy eating challenge accepted today.

So without further adieu, onto the eats of the day!

I had a slice of Dave’s Killer Bread with 1/2 of a baby avocado, an egg, and salsa for breakfast. 1 cup of coffee with salted caramel chocolate creamer to drink … I switched to vanilla chai tea after savoring my one creamy cuppa, and that seemed to do the trick.

Celery and Laughing Cow Cheese as a snack! Crunch, crunch, crunch.

I had some major anxiety this morning as my Dad wanted me to come see a new crock pot that he bought (really just an excuse to see us), and seeing him is a big source of terror. He kind of tricked me into agreeing that I’d come see him today – I’m too much of a people pleaser –Β  and I did not want to go. He’s a source of terrible anxiety, PTSD, and is also a trigger for my eating disordered behaviors.

I try to remember that I’m *stronger* than he is – I beat alcoholism, after all, and he hasn’t been able to do that – and that he is no longer in control of my life and can do nothing else to hurt me, not if I don’t let him. All in all my anxiety was in vain as we had a nice visit around 1:30, and he talked primarily about cooking and the work he’s been doing at the ranch. We plan on visiting the ranch around the 4th of July, so that’s good.

Lunch was a big ol’ bowl of fruit! Strawberries, red grapes, and raspberries for the win! So yummy, fresh, and delightful. I just adore fruit.

Luke and I also ran some errands and went to the store this afternoon, and despite spending a fortune on kitty litter and cat food (Petsmart got some $$ from us today), we also got the ingredients to make enchiladas. I whipped up a batch when we got home for Luke’s dinners when he works!

Soon after I made enchiladas, it was 5 o’clock and my cocktail time! I had a Hibiscus Ginger Kombucha and some cucumber and bell pepper with salsa … the salsa kinda plopped onto the plate, so please ignore the messiness. I also ate a peach.

Luke went riding on his new bike with Joe, so I was on my own for dinner tonight. I had leftover rotisserie chicken and needed to eat it up, so I served it on spinach and some roasted broccoli and cauliflower, and I drizzled on some light Fiesta Ranch. This was a very beige dinner, but it was tasty and very filling!

Now I’m snuggled up in my bathrobe, am chilling with some mint green tea, and am watching Expedition Unknown, one of my favorite shows. I need to clean up the apartment, but the cats and I are being lazy. Oh well, I’ll clean up in an hour or two. πŸ˜‰ Today’s eats seemed to be healthy and light, so I’m happy about that … I need to keep cleansing my system from that junky day I had!

Have a pleasant evening, y’all!

~ Mandy

 

 

Mania + Motorcycles

Howdy! How are you doing today? I’m thinking of learning how to ride a motorcycle, y’all. I’d love to learn how to ride, have my own bike, and go on trips with my hubbers one day. Our good friend Josiah runs the local motorcycle class – he taught Luke how to ride – and I plan on taking the class where he’s my teacher. I’ll call him once I have a free weekend. Exciting stuff for me!

Yogurt parfait for breakfast! I had a Chobani Flip Pure Pear and Honey yogurt with a banana, some raspberries, a sprinkling of chia seeds, coconut shreds, almonds, and granola with a drizzle of honey. Coffee to drink.

I drove to the gym after breakfast, but I only stayed about 15 minutes … I was on the verge of an anxiety attack, so I had to come home for some extra Gabapentin – full blown anxiety attack was averted, thankfully! I drank an extra coffee around this time too, and it seemed to help; I didn’t have my usual apple around 10:30 either because I simply wasn’t hungry.

I became a wee bit manic after taking my extra Gabapentin – I call it being “zippy” – and my sloppy picture of lunch depicts my mania well. Usually I clean my utensils and clean up my plate before taking pictures of my meals, but I didn’t this time …

Lunch was a reprise of yesterday’s midday meal – I roasted broccoli, cauliflower, half of a baby avocado, and zucchini and served them with hummus, salsa, and ranch dressing; two eggs rounded out my meal as the protein! I ate them with some spicy mustard and S+P.

Luke took me to the gym around 1:00 p.m. … I needed to work out my mania, and we did just that! I felt *amazing-balls* after working out today. πŸ™‚ I worked myself out of that mania state, which was wonderful, and I topped myself by doing 330 lbs on the quad press.

(I asked Luke to snap a pic of me, so forgive the deer skull behind me, I look like I’m growing an antler out of my neck!)

Dinner was pretty simple tonight but it was *damn* delicious – I had a turkey taco salad. I browned some ground turkey with spices, added corn and black beans, and then I served it on a bed of romaine lettuce with some red bell pepper and cucumber. I topped the salad with some bacon cheese ranch dressing, mozzarella cheese, and some jalapeno Fritos. Talk about a delightful meal! (I admit that I added some salsa after snapping this pic.)

Tons of veggies were consumed today for sure! Yummy! I just love my veggies.

My dessert was a Pacific Rose apple with cinnamon, peanut butter, granola, and chocolate chips.

Now I’m off to clean up the apartment! (I may have a small coffee to keep my energy up.) I had a pretty good day, and I hope you did too! πŸ™‚

Question of the Day: Do you deal with mania and moods? If so, how do you cope?

~ Mandy

 

 

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Just Horsing Around

Howdy there! How are you doing on this pretty Sunday? I’m happy to report that I’m feeling better and am back at blogging again … despite having an anxiety attack this morning while I was checking on my mom’s old puppy dog, Boomer (she’s out of town right now, so I’ve been watching him).

My anxiety attack came in a wave – my eyes started doing that funny thing where they “want to look up” (it’s hard to describe, but that’s what happens when I get anxious) while I was at my mom’s house, so I finished up with Boomer, drove home, and promptly proceeded to freak out. The attack didn’t last long, thankfully, and I didn’t wake up my sleeping husband. I always feel terrible if I wake him up, the poor man. My anxiety attacks almost exclusively happen in the mornings now, between 8 a.m. to 11 a.m. … I’m not sure what causes them, but I’m glad they subside quickly now (the effects last about 4 hours to half a day now instead of a day and a half). I handled it well today and let it simply run it’s course, no harm, no foul.

But onto the rest of my day!

Breakfast today was banana oatmeal with fresh berries, chia seeds, almond slivers, coconut shavings, and a scoop of organic peanut butter. I ate breakfast around 8 a.m. and it filled me up until lunch-time. Coffee to drink (of course).

Around 12:45, I made chicken and veggies for lunch – my chicken was simply BBQ sauce mixed with a bit of ranch and sprinkled with Panko breadcrumbs and some pepper jack cheese. The veggies were kale, red bell pepper, carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower roasted for about 30 minutes at 400 degrees. Yum! Very tasty and filling.

I had a Larabar Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough bar as a snack today … it was delish! I love Larabar products.

My sister was feeling pretty low today and wanted to go see her horses, so I offered to take her – I understand depression all too well, and when my sister needs some help, I’m happy to help her! We petted some adorable miniature donkeys today. πŸ™‚

Look at my sweet sister and the little donkey! I love this picture! πŸ™‚

DinnerΒ was a simple salad made with romaine, two hard boiled eggs, heirloom tomato, and cucumber with some light Fiesta Ranch and S+P. We were low on protein, so I just used the Incredible Edible Egg tonight.

I wanted something else after my salad, so I had a honey crisp apple with peanut butter, cinnamon, and a wee bit of granola, and it really hit the spot.

In other news, I’m thinking about buying a new purse with my dog sitting money. It’s a Brahmin (I adore my Brahmin bags!) ….

But I’m also thinking about some new workout clothes too, or perhaps I’ll save my extra $$ for a rainy day. I’m just not sure!

I had a nice day today (despite my anxiety attack and not working out due to an, ahem, poopy problem with my digestive system … TMI? Sure, why not!), and I hope tomorrow is just as bright!

Do you struggle with anxiety? How do you handle panic attacks?

~ Mandy

 

Anxiety Attack I + A Blast from the Past

I had an anxiety attack today, y’all. One where my eyes get out of whack. So gather ye ’round and let me tell you my tale:

I woke up feeling a bit too anxious, but I thought I’d be okay to drive to the gym. This was the wrong idea. I got to the gym, did 5 minutes of cardio on the elliptical, and then I had to carefully drive back home because I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. I made it home and promptly blew the fuck up in the parking lot! My attack lasted about an hour and a half before I calmed down. I logged it in my mood journal, managed to drink some hot green tea, and tried not to wake my sleeping husband (I woke him up for a minute, but he promptly went back to sleep, so I’m glad I didn’t disturb him too much).

For me, a serious anxiety attack entails excessive hyperventilating (I often walk around with my mouth wide open, just trying to breathe), messed up eyesight, racing thoughts, a wee bit of psychotic thinking, the sense of being un-grounded … it’s like being trapped in a weird psycho-world until it subsides.

I’m going to call my doctor tomorrow and see if I can’t get an appointment to talk to him about my anxiety meds. I’m on Gabapentin, but I think it causes my eyes to get out of whack, so I’m not sure if it’s the best med for me. I wonder if he’d prescribe me something just for emergencies or something like that … I’m just not sure what he can really do for me in this situation, but it’s worth a phone call.

Now onto the eats! I’m proud to tell you that I’ve been doing SO MUCH BETTER regarding feeling too full. I’m not struggling as much with it. I think I’m just acclimating to the sensation still.

Around 9:30 (before my massive panic attack), I made a nice smoothie (the color looks ugly in the picture, but it was quite tasty!). My blend was a banana, some raspberries, some strawberries, spinach, almond milk and OJ, and a scoop of Protein One vanilla. Granola as a topper!

Around 1 o’clock, I went in search of food in the fridge, but we were VERY LOW on interesting eats (Luke and I made a trip to the store afterward), so I settled on a Chobani Flip yogurt in Peanut Caramel Satisfaction with some raspberries, and a plain rice cake with peanut butter and honey.

I thought I looked cute in the car on the way to get groceries, so I snapped a rare selfie (my lips look odd, but whatev). I just adore my sunglasses, y’all – they’re from Diff Eyewear. I’d love to snap up another pair sometime!

Around 4:30, I indulged in a cute lil’ honey crisp apple with cinnamon. Random fact about me: I love apples but DESPISE apple juice. Something about it is just utterly gross to me – it stems from a childhood dislike.

I fixed some BBQ bacon chicken for dinner – it’s so easy! Just cut up a chicken breast, season with salt and pepper, drizzle with BBQ sauce, top it with some sliced bacon, bake it for 30 minutes at 400 degrees … when its done, you top it with some shredded cheddar cheese and let it melt in the warm oven, and voila! Nothing too inventive, but it sure is tasty. Ranch-Parmesan broccoli on the side with some Fiesta Ranch dressing drizzled over the top. Delish!

Around 7, I was feeling munchy, so I had yet another rice cake with peanut butter, honey, and some granola. I also had a bite of Lindt 70% dark chocolate … YUM! (Forgive my ugly-ass nails.)

I was going through old pictures on my phone and found these three “gems” from the past – I remember taking these three pictures around the time that I weighed 109 lbs (June/July of last year) …. I’m reflecting pretty heavily on how far I’ve come since taking those pics. I’m no longer drinking, I look so much healthier, and I’m feeling a BAZILLION times better. My stomach no longer pooches out, my face looks healthier, my boobs have returned, and I’m not so stinkin’ bony.

A Blast from the Past, I tell ya! I’m so glad that I don’t look like that anymore. πŸ™‚

Well, that’s a wrap for today … here’s hoping for an anxiety-less day tomorrow!

~ Mandy

The Sensation of Feeling Full

Sunday Salutations, y’all! How are you doing today, my friends? No Cinco de Mayo partying for this girl on Friday – I’m stone cold sober and proud of it! In fact, I’m planning a post about sobriety soon … it’s such a joy!

Today I’m not going to post my meals but wanted to share some thoughts (and some kitties) with you.

Confession: I’m struggling with *feeling full* after I eat. That sounds strange, but it’s true. After years of binging, purging, and restricting, my stomach just doesn’t know what to do with itself when I eat a meal or snack. The feeling is highly uncomfortable, and I admit that I get pretty moody when I’m feeling full – I feel bloated and highly unattractive.

Last night I was texting Luke, and I suddenly had this *snap* in my brain telling me that my dinner was going to make me gain weight. He allayed my fears and assured me that I wasn’t going to gain weight from having a little extra roast and beans. Thank goodness for my hubbers! I went to bed feeling gross, but I woke up this morning with renewed vigor about my eating habits and feel reassured about my positive choices.

I’m trying to eat smaller and more frequent meals with lots of protein to combat this feeling of being too full, and I think it’s helping. It’s interesting at best to have this struggle – for 17 long years, I just didn’t keep anything in my stomach, and now that I am, my poor system doesn’t understand what’s happening to it (TMI, my farts are pretty stinky … just keepin’ it real here … I plan to do a post dedicated to my digestive system soon, poop and all). I know that it’s natural to feel full after eating (duh, when you put something into your body, it’s going to naturally expand and gain a little weight), and I hope to acclimate to the sensation. It’s just currently a battle between my mind and my stomach. My stomach *knows* what it needs and how to act, but my mind tells me otherwise … my mind can be such a liar!

Despite struggling with feeling full, I’m committed to staying healthy and to keep up what I’ve been doing. I’ve come SO FAR, y’all, and I don’t want to sabotage myself in any way. But it’s HARD AF.

Critters

This morning Calliope was comfortable on top of our paper towels, yet again.

Then she came out, played with the scratching post …

And then she had to stop and groom herself!

Caprica was asleep on the couch next to Luke’s controller …

… and Persephone was comfortable on the arm of the couch, as usual!

That’s all I got tonight! πŸ™‚

 

 

Snow Day in May

Howdy y’all! How are you doing today?

It snowed and snowed last night – I still can’t believe that it snowed on April 30th – but thankfully it didn’t stick! Here’s a pic of the view outside our apartment. Brr, it’s a cold one out!

Breakfast

I wasn’t terribly hungry for breakfast this morning, but I decided that I needed to eat, so I enjoyed a Chobani Flip in Key Lime Crumble with a medium banana and two giant strawberries. Green Vibrance with OJ (it looks nasty AF but I promise it tastes like orange juice) and Starbucks Mocha Coffee with stevia and coconut milk to drink. I’m glad that I’ve kicking my creamer habit!

Snack

I was feeling snacky around 10:45, so I had some celery, red bell pepper, and cucumber with salt and dipped them in Pace salsa and Fiesta Ranch Dressing.

Lunch

I admit that I had teeny bite of bread pudding with whipped cream before lunch – I was snacky AF and wanted to try it (I didn’t take a pic because I didn’t want the evidence, ha!). It was tasty – here’s the recipe if you’re interested.

For my actual lunch, I had some leftover Mustard Herb Crusted Chicken but I didn’t have enough, so I whipped up a bite of Sriracha Chicken (it’s a blend of honey, Sriracha, S+P, and garlic powder) and roasted it along with a large carrot, a bit of cauliflower, and a small avocado (all seasoned with S+P and garlic powder). Served with BBQ on the side … I like BBQ with chicken, can you tell?

This lunch was a bigger one for me, but it was mighty tasty and filling!

Dinner

Tonight I was nursing a bad headache, so I simply heated up a mug of beef stew that my Dad gave Luke on Saturday (I’ll have to ask him for the recipe) and a cornbread muffin with butter. A cup of coffee to drink.

For dessert, I had a Pink Lady apple with crunchy peanut butter and chocolate chips, YUM!

Exercise

I was down to 126.8 lbs this morning, y’all. I’m rather annoyed about this development, but I figure it’s just my body naturally fluctuating. Obviously I’m looking to gain muscle weight, and I wonder if I need to eat more or something like that. I need to be patient with my body, I know, but I’m terrible about being kind to myself – bulimia, anyone? That’s an ultimate impatience if you ask me – you immediately vomit in an effort to rid yourself of evil calories, and it’s utterly uncontrolled and vehement.

I did some home exercises today, but not too much – I did sit ups, arm weights, and a bit of yoga. I just didn’t feel like getting out to the gym in the cold weather and with my pounding head … excuses, excuses, I know …

Mental Health

Today I’m erring on the side of low-ish. My headache isn’t helping my mood, that’s for sure, but I’ll go out on a limb and say that I’m stable.

Critters

Calliope was snug as a bug in a rug on my yoga mat – she so fat and fluffy!

Persephone was on the arm of the couch, as per usual. I imagine that my readers don’t always enjoy all of the pictures of my cats, but I love my keedees and they deserve ample screen-time on here. They’re like my children and are my little anxiety-busters, after all!

Caprica was resting by Luke’s backpack … terrible lighting in the pic, but she’s so hard to capture that I went with it – Caprica is bad about looking at the camera because she’s so efficacious and thinks I’m trying to give her pets.

Alrighty, that’s all I got for today! Here’s to a warmer tomorrow, y’all! BRR!

 

 

The Mood Eater Is Live!

Hi there! How are you today, my friends?

I *finally* bought my own domain name, and you can find me at themoodeater.com now! Huzzah!

We’ve had some drama ’round these parts: My husband’s prized $7000 motorcycle was stolen yesterday, so things are rather glum around here. All I can say is SHIT. People just really suck sometimes. My husband and I are very pissed off about this development, obviously, so please send good vibes that the police can find it (it’s insured, which is good, but we’re hoping that it can be returned … since it’s used, we won’t get enough back to buy a brand new one, and they don’t sell them around here anyway, so poop). Luke said that he doesn’t think he’ll get a new one if it’s not found because he wouldn’t be as happy with something else. 😦 My poor hubby!

So, I haven’t posted for the past two days because I’ve been depressed as hell. More on that below – it’s SNOWING here today, so I’m weathering two storms – the one outside, and the one in my brain.

Breakfast

I completely forgot to document my breakfast! For the record, I had a Chobani Coconut yogurt with a banana and some strawberries. I was HANGRY this morning, so I indulged a bit and had a goodly dollop of honey on my yogurt mix, and it hit the spot! I also had Starbucks Mocha coffee with coconut milk (no more creamer!) and some OJ with a scoop of Green Vibrance. It looks beyond disgusting in this picture, and it’s hard to mix up because it’s so dense, but it seriously tastes just like OJ and not nasty alfalfa.

Lunch

I tried something completely new for me – I ate two tortillas! I usually avoid bread-y carbs, but I wanted an egg and cheese burrito today (Luke adores them). Y’all … BURRITOS ARE SO F-ING GOOD! Why have I been avoiding them!? I don’t know! My burritos were made with three eggs with S+P and shredded cheddar cheese, three pieces of bacon, a small avocado, and some Pace salsa. Talk about delicious and FILLING. This picture isn’t the best when it comes to food-styling, but I’m not a professional food stylist, so hell, here it is:

Dinner

I made Luke a batch of Slow Cooker Bread Pudding. No, I did not have this for dinner (although it was tempting!). While it cooked, I snacked on some celery and red bell pepper, no pic because I didn’t think about it … man, I’m failing at the picture-taking today, aren’t I?

Instead of bread pudding for dinner, I had Mustard Herb Crusted Chicken (it was just okay, I doubt I’ll make it again) served with BBQ and roasted broccoli … I was nursing a tummy ache (perhaps from the tortillas I ate earlier? SHIT!), so this was not my favorite dinner ever, poop.

My stomachache was so crummy that I didn’t even want to sample the bread pudding, ho hum.

Exercise and Mental Health

I’ve been SUPER DEPRESSED over the past few days – I didn’t even want to work out, which shows that something is terribly wrong. I just didn’t have the energy to even begin to think about the gym. Being depressed is like having an overbearingly heavy weight on your head, your heart, your energy levels. It SUCKS.

I spent most of Thursday in the bed, in my pajamas, sobbing my eyes out for no reason at all. I wonder if it’s the weather patterns or something because nothing is really wrong in my life right now … I was also taking melatonin at night for the past few nights, and I’m curious if that contributed to my depression. I stopped last night, and I feel so much better upon waking up.

It’s important that I keep reminding myself about the beauty of life – like this pretty little flower that I snapped at the ranch – and to just keep moving forward as best I can, despite my moods.

In eating disordered news, I’m really battling my urge to restrict. This happens when I’m depressed, and it just adds to my daily battle. I ultimately want my gains, so I’ve been forcing myself to eat – I don’t want to lose all of the muscle that I’ve worked so hard to build. That happens if you restrict or purge, and I’ve made too much progress to let that ol’ eating disorder get the best of me.

Today I did arms at the gym – I rarely go without Luke, but today he was understandably feeling low, so I went alone and got my pump on.

The Critters

I captured some portraits of the keedees today while it was raining out this morning … much laziness in these pics! The couch was the place to be this morning!

Calliope,Β  who was sitting on the top of the couch …

Caprica, who was rubbing her head on Luke’s gaming headset and doesn’t ever like to look at the camera (silly kitty) …

And Persephone, who was nestled on the arm of the couch looking smug, as usual! It’s hard to capture Persephone in photographs for some reason, and I can’t quite put my finger on why. I think it’s because she looks so utterly gridlocked all of the time.

I’m cleaning up the apartment and then vegging out on this snowy night with Ghost Adventures and hot tea … I hope to be back tomorrow, my friends! Here’s to a positive tomorrow!