Xanax, Weight Gain, and Other Thoughts

Hey there and Happy Wednesday! How are you doing today?

Long time, no post … I was officially diagnosed with a panic disorder, so that explains a ton. Damn diagnoses, you just keep coming and coming. It’s interesting, I’ve known that I’ve had something going on with my panic attacks for some time now, but it’s nice to finally have a diagnosis of a panic disorder. I’m now on Xanax, which has taken some getting used to … I haven’t felt like working out or anything like that for about two weeks now, but I’m getting back in the game slowly but surely.

Luke and I were fortunate enough to switch gyms – we’re no longer going to Planet Fitness but rather Verdure, a swanky gym in our apartment complex. We LOVE it.

My goal weight is a muscular 135 lbs – I’m currently at 122.4 lbs, so I have a ways to go, but I’m determined.

Breakfast

Breakfast was three scrambled eggs with ham and cheddar cheese with a piece of whole wheat toast, butter, and jam. YUM! Tons of protein here, so it was very filling! (I didn’t need a snack all morning.) Coffee to drink.

Lunch

I first had an Envy apple with cinnamon around 11:40 …

… and then I had some roasted chicken breast with broccoli – honey mustard dressing on the side for dipping.

Workout

Our workout didn’t happen today – Luke is nursing a shoulder, and I was feeling drugged out from Xanax. Oh well, there’s always tomorrow (or the next day, because I have an appointment tomorrow).

Dinner

I started off with some roasted carrots and broccoli with hummus and Sriracha ranch …

… and the I had a Siggi’s yogurt with a banana, honey, and crunchy peanut butter.

Ok, that’s my spiel for today! 🙂

~ Mandy

A Terrible Hot Fall Day

Today was not a good day mood-wise for me. My moods were swinging like a maniac – I was happy this morning, but after lunch, my mood look a terrible turn for the worse. I cried in bed, I cried sitting in front of the TV, I cried in the bathtub, I just cried and cried., and when I wasn’t crying, I was just sitting around with a giant frown on my face and a furrow in my brow.

We went to the gym to do weights, but naturally, I started crying for no real reason at all. Luke was also having a rough day; our workout lasted just 30 minutes, mainly due to my crying and low energy and both of our bad moods.

It was just a terrible hot fall day.

Having a bipolar low is like having a deep dark cloud inside of your head, a black cloud with rain and thunder and lightening bolts. It sucks the life, the energy out of you. Your heart feels heavy, like a giant burden in your chest. Your brain simply tells you to be sad/low without much or any rhyme or reason. You sometimes contemplate ending it all, suicide. You sometimes just cry for hours. You sometimes just sit in your comfortable chair for hours, covered in blankets with a mug of tea, trying to wait it out (that’s what I’m trying to do today).

On a positive note, I *am* happy to report that I’ve been having less eating disordered thoughts (i.e. constantly calling myself a fat pig and thinking I’m fat and need to lose weight) and am focusing more on health and fitness when it comes to keeping my eats in mind. It’s important to fuel my body so I can get my gains, y’all! I’m still pretty thin (I’m at 121.4 lbs this morning, but I’m comfortable at this weight right now). I’m working on it, and that’s what’s important. It’s a long, slow process, but I’ll get there with hard work and mindfulness. I just take it day by day, just as I do with my bipolar disorder.

Breakfast- 9:15 a.m.

I wanted oatmeal for breakfast, but I decided on eggs instead for some unknown reason. I scrambled 3 eggs (we were out of egg whites) and heated up 2 turkey sausage patties for breakfast. Salsa added as usual. I was HUNGRY upon waking up, so I needed something fast and quick. This hit the spot and kept me full until lunch.

Then I ran to the store and grabbed some essentials – TP, paper towels, milk, cereal, coffee, Febreeze, you name it, I got it. It was quite the bill, unfortunately, but we needed stuff. I also went to see my mom who’s going to be gone to Seattle for a week and to get the lowdown on what I need to do at her house while she’s away. Mom gave me a ton of food to eat up too as this is a rather impromptu trip, and she just went to the store.

Lunch – 1:00 p.m.

I did my usual veggie roast with some Brussels sprouts, red bell pepper, carrots, cherry tomatoes, and some sweet potato. I topped the veg with Toasted Sesame Ginger Sauce and some Boar’s Head shaved turkey.

Snack- 3:40 p.m.

At this point in the day, I dejectedly threw together some carrots and cucumber in a hummus container and ate it with hot tears falling down my face.

Cocktail Hour -6:00 p.m.

I’d calmed down significantly around “mocktail” hour. My brain was still sending me signals to be low, but my heart had lifted out of my stomach, and I was feeling a bit more positive overall. I had my usual Trilogy kombucha.

Dinner – 7:00 p.m.

I roasted some BBQ chicken for dinner with some red onion, broccoli, and yellow squash (drizzled with Toasted Sesame Ginger Sauce at the end). Easy peasy, just throw it all in the oven.

I also had four Belgian Chocolate Thins, courtesy of my mom:

Here’s hoping that tomorrow is a better, brighter day in the mood department for me!

~ Mandy

 

 

A Lazy Day

Howdy, howdy! It’s a beautiful day out here in the Texas Panhandle!

Breakfast – I skipped it. Not on purpose, but I was busy this morning and not hungry at all. No, not really a healthy way to start the day, but I had tons of get up and go, and I had a few errands to run. Much coffee was consumed, however. To be honest, I think I was a wee bit manic. Just something that happens when you’re bipolar, y’all. I managed to settle down around 11, which is good.

Lunch – 12:10 p.m.

My guts were *not* having it today, so much Pepto was consumed – I had diarrhea and gut pain. I decided to keep lunch simple by roasting some red bell pepper, broccoli, and carrots (veggies were truly the only thing that sounded reasonably good to me) and topping them with some Toasted Sesame Ginger Sauce. I also had a turkey and provolone cheese roll up.

Snack – 2:00 p.m.

Since I skipped breakfast and had a meager lunch, I wanted a snack by 2, so I had an Envy apple with peanut butter and cinnamon. Moroccan Mint Green Tea to sip.

Today we did not work out, and I’m thankful – I’m afraid I might have had an accident of the gastrointestinal kind!

Cocktail Hour – 4:00 p.m.

I wanted my kombucha a little earlier than usual as I hoped it might settle down my digestive system.

Dinner – 6:00 p.m.

We decided to mix it up and go to Fuddruckers for hamburgers and onion rings. I wasn’t sure how my tummy would handle this, but as I type this, I am okay thus far. We both got buffalo burgers with Swiss cheese, mushrooms, and onions and topped with tomato and lettuce and ketchup. So delicious yet messy!! 🙂 The onion rings were fabulous as usual, and we still can’t decide if we like the jalapeno cheddar or the fry sauce the best for them.

We truly had a lazy day here – we were hoping to pick up a U-Haul trailer or find someone with a trailer so we can haul Luke’s 4-Runner and another car to the shop, but today we had no luck. Oh well, there’s always Monday for us (Luke’s off on Monday) or next Saturday.

Now I’m watching Ghost Adventures (ugh) on Travel Channel – I wish they’d show re-runs of The Dead Files instead!

Hope you had a nice day!

~ Mandy

 

Ultrasounds + Moods + Alcoholics and Kombucha

Howdy there! How are you today?

I got up bright and early for my ultrasound, and the results should be in by Monday, so that’s positive. My weight is down to 119 lbs today for some reason (despite eating candy due to emotional eating out of nervousness for my ultrasound), but I’m not too concerned – I’m sure it’s just a natural fluctuation because I was fasting last night and this morning.

Breakfast – 10:00 a.m.

I bought two ultimate breakfast tacos from Rosa’s Cafe and scarfed them down – I was starving after fasting! They were delicious. I also bought a chocolate mocha coffee from Roasters, our local coffee shop, and it was *divine.*

Lunch – 1:15 p.m.

I wasn’t terribly hungry after my giant breakfast, so I made my favorite veggies, roasted carrots and Brussels sprouts with Toasted Sesame Ginger Sauce, and had a turkey and provolone cheese roll-up.

Workout – 2:00 p.m. – 2:30 p.m.

My mood took a negative turn and I started crying around 2:00 … just a bipolar mood from being an empath. Luke and I went to the gym for just 30 minutes before I just couldn’t do it anymore.

At least we *went* and I tried my hardest for 30 minutes. That’s what counts, y’all. TRYING.

What *did* brighten my day and my mood was receiving this adorable shirt in the mail from Free People – it’s the We The Free Good Find Top, and man, it IS truly a good find! I also got two other items, but they are going back because they just didn’t live up to my expectations. This shirt, however, is PERFECTION. It’s comfortable, flow-y, trendy, and fun, perfect for the fall and winter … I LOVE IT! I may even buy another one with my refund money.

Snack – 4:00 p.m.

For my snack today, I had a few carrots (and some un-pictured broccoli) with hummus. Moroccan Mint Green Tea to drink.

Cocktail Hour – 6:00 p.m.

Tonight I had a Trilogy Kombucha …

On Kombucha and Being a Former Alcoholic

I had a conversation with my sister about kombucha, and she was worried because I was drinking it with my past as an alcoholic. I’m going to bring this up with my doctor next time I see him because I do not want to be harming myself in any way, but for the record, kombucha has a 0.5% – 1% naturally occurring alcohol content because of its fermentation. That’s just a little less than a non-alcoholic beer such as O’Doul’s.

I do not drink kombucha to get drunk, obviously, but I do drink it because of the health benefits, especially the healthy gut support, and because of the taste. Drinking even a little bit of alcohol at this point makes me feel very sick (see the time I made bread pudding, accidentally didn’t cook all of the alcohol out of the Kraken I used, and made myself extremely sick from eating it), and that’s the last thing I want to do to myself. But my sister made a good point – I need to ask Dr. Keister next time I see him about it, just to be sure, but I’m honestly not too concerned about my little mocktail of kombucha each night. I’ll wait to see the results of the ultrasound and go from there.

Dinner – 7:00 p.m.

Tonight I made BBQ chicken breast and veggies (cauliflower, carrots, and red bell pepper served with some Toasted Sesame Ginger Sauce). Easy peasy.

Now I’m sipping on my kombucha and watching TLC’s Kindred Spirits. Hope you had a good day. Mine was so-so mood-wise, but that’s okay … some days are better than others.

~ Mandy

Question: Do you have an opinion on alcoholics and kombucha? Yay or nay?

Rest Day + Doc Appt

Howdy there! How are you doing today? We’re having a rest day here on the workout front – we’ve been hitting it pretty hard for the past few weeks, and it just feels like a day for rest.

I had a doctor’s appointment this morning, so I had to get up earlier than usual again today – no pic of my outfit because I simply washed my hair, threw on some guy clothes, and went. I’m grateful that I have such a thorough doctor who wants to keep me healthy and happy …. he noticed something going on with my liver during my last cat scan, and he wanted to talk to me about it today, just to be safe. 😉 As a former alcoholic, I can’t help but wonder if I’ve screwed up my liver through the drinking, but he has ordered an ultrasound, which should tell us more.

Breakfast – 10:00 a.m.

My usual egg whites, bacon, sausage, and salsa. Easy peasy, eaten quickly. Sorry for the blurry pic, but I was in a hurry.

After breakfast and my doctor’s appointment, I ran to the store for some food – I wanted to make more deer meatballs for Luke, so I needed a few ingredients.

Lunch – 1:20 p.m.

I baked a chicken breast with some broccoli, Brussels sprouts, bell pepper, and carrot and served it with BBQ sauce and light Italian dressing.

Snack – 2:25 p.m.

I wanted a banana and peanut butter, so I had a banana and peanut butter! YUM!

This afternoon I got cozy with some tea and made more deer meatballs. It was a bit strange not hitting the gym, but I was exhausted, and Luke was sore, so a rest day was much needed.

I had a glass of milk around 4:30 for my calcium.

Cocktail Hour – 5:30 p.m.

I tried a new-to-me Humm kombucha in coconut lime. Oh it was so tasty! It reminded me of a pie. Will definitely buy this one again! 🙂

Dinner – 7:15 p.m.

I really wasn’t in the mood for dinner, y’all. At this point in the day, I felt a bit low mood-wise and very exhausted. I sauteed some spinach and added it to the rest of my spaghetti squash, and I topped the mix with roasted carrots, sweet potato, and broccoli. I added some tomato basil sauce and two deer meatballs and some Parmesan cheese.

This meal simply didn’t taste great to me. I don’t know why – there was nothing off putting about it. I felt a bit better after I ate the meal, however, so I guess I was hungrier than I thought.

I also had some trail mix because I was craving something sweet and salty.

I wish I felt better tonight – I think the weather is being weird again for me  and is messing with my mood and energy.

But here’s to a more energetic tomorrow, my friends!

~ Mandy

 

One Day at a Time

Howdy there! Happy First Day of October! It’s that pumpkin-spiced-laced time of year now, isn’t it?

How are you doing today? I’m doing pretty well. Today was a no-makeup and a messy bun day. 😉 I also have been having digestive issues from that mayo-covered baked salmon last night, and my tummy is very pissy today (i.e. Pepto is needed), but I’ll get over it.

The stats for today:

  • 274 days sober from alcoholism
  • 85 days without vomiting up any food

I’m taking my life one day at a time right now when it comes to the ED and the mental health issues that I deal with – they’re both my struggles. Yes, my bipolar will ALWAYS be a struggle, but hopefully the eating disordered thinking will lessen with time as it’s showing to right now, just as my cravings for alcohol completely disappeared. My body dysmorphia is still rough at night when my belly is round and full, but I’m trying to push past that and simply stay STRONG and remember that my food in my full tummy is my fuel, nothing bad.

You just have to put one foot forward before the other and take it slowly but surely – that’s my motto. Just get through the day, that’s all you have to do. I’m still hanging around 120 lbs, but I’m not as concerned about that because I’m looking better, and I’m exercising and eating very well. I’m focused mainly on slowly gaining that muscle weight. Would it be *good* if I could eat a bit more? Probably, but I don’t think my sensitive digestive system could handle being more satiated – I eat a TON for me as it is, and I’m having to see my doctor about my digestive issues (I’m on some pills to help, and Pepto helps too in a pinch).

I *am* VERY happy to announce that I’m losing my irrational fear of the scale. I’m starting to associate it with positive thoughts, such as more weight being muscle gains and food/water weight, and not have such a negative attitude towards it, such as allowing it to be a constant source of panic and disgust towards myself, a personal affront.  I’m telling myself that my weight does NOT matter, but my physique DOES. And to have a good physique, I must eat very well (tons of protein) and lift weights.

Yes, I realize that my eats are probably a little bit boring – I try to eat up everything that we have before going to the store again, so I eat some of the same things over and over again. But that’s okay. This is MY blog, and if I want to share my boring eats, I’ll share my boring eats! It’s very helpful to me in beating this disorder to write about it and take pictures.

Breakfast – 10:00 a.m.

I had my usual egg whites and two turkey sausage patties for breakfast this morning with salsa on top. Still a little too filling, but I’ll work on it. Much coffee was also consumed, it was a coffee kinda morning.

Lunch -12:40 p.m.

I wasn’t too excited about lunch yet again. I simply baked some cauliflower, sweet potato, broccoli, and carrot with some seasoning salt and ate them with some hummus and Toasted Sesame Dressing. I also had a slice of deer meatloaf for my protein. I just love that meatloaf! So tasty!

Workout – 1:30 p.m. – 2:30 p.m.

We did legs today, and I did abs. To be honest, I was tired today and didn’t really want to go, but we did it anyway, and I’m so glad because I felt immensely better. No commemorative pics today as we were too busy trying to not look at some dude’s junk because he was wearing tight spandex pants and doing the leg press. Talk about gross. I’m sorry, but gross. I hope that doesn’t become a trend. Yes, I’m human, and I judge sometimes. So sue me. I’m sure some people there look at my bony body and think “gross” too … we’re all just human.

After our workout, I put on my comfy AllBirds and bleached the sinks, the toilet, and the bathtub for cleaning. Yes, I like to clean. It’s therapeutic. My first “snack” consisted of two Pepto pills and some green tea and Sprite Zero … not a very appetizing snack, I assure you, but damn, my stomach was *not* happy at this point.

Snack – 5:00 p.m.

I finally decided that I needed to stomach *something,* so I cut up some red bell pepper, placed it in a pine nut hummus container along with three slices of mesquite smoked turkey breast. I ate the turkey first to gauge my stomach and then slowly ate the red bell pepper. A good snack for an achy tummy!

Dinner – 7:00 p.m.

My stomach still wasn’t cooperating, but I needed to eat dinner, so I forged ahead and cut up a chicken breast, sprinkled it with Lawry’s Seasoning and BBQ sauce and baked it in the oven alongside some baby carrots which I drizzled with Light Italian Dressing (love that shit). I also sauteed some spinach and added it to some spaghetti squash with some vodka sauce and a dash of Parmesan.

This was an *extremely* filling meal for me, but I’m glad I ate every bite – I needed the protein.

Cocktail Hour – 7:30 p.m.

I had my usual mocktail kombucha in Trilogy tonight and sipped on it well over an hour. YUM!

Now I’m just chillin’, cleaning up a little bit more, and watching Travel Channel. I hope YOU’VE had an amazing day!

~ Mandy

On Relapse and Getting Back on Track

Howdy all. If you’ve been reading my blog, you may have noticed that I deleted all of my old posts. I need to start fresh, and I’ll explain why:

It turns out that I relapsed back with the anorexia. I’ve told ya that this eating disorder shit is very difficult and serious. This is me at 5’10” and 115 lbs. I look scrawny, fragile, frail, and exhausted. I want to change this immediately.

Now I’m back at blogging, and I want to start working out again and *try* to battle this eating disorder and get healthier mentally and physically. I’m a little too loopy from a pain med today (more on this below) to go to the gym, so Luke and I made a pact to go tomorrow. 🙂

Physically, I’ve been having stomach troubles. I’m not sure if it’s related to the anorexia or not, but last night around 9:30, I had to make a trip to the ER because the pain was so terrible.

Me with the good ol’ barf bag (thankfully I didn’t have to use it). They gave me some Benadryl, morphine, a med for nausea, a hydrocodone,  and a gross concoction of a stomach relaxer which I had to swallow (yuck). I was sent home with prescriptions for pain and stomach relaxation.

The general consensus among my EMT-trained husband and the ER doctor is that I have gastritis or a stomach ulcer, and I’m seeing my primary care doctor on Tuesday to see what he has to say – he may refer me to my gastroenterologist for an endoscopy (which I sincerely hope doesn’t turn into a colonoscopy too because the prep for that is just miserable).

Mentally, I was extremely rapid cycling with my bipolar in July and into mid-August – like, every few minutes, I’d change from being depressed to manic. It was TERRIBLE. After several crazy visits to my psychiatrist and an *interesting* incident, I’m on a new medication. I’m erring on the side of low and anxious right now, but it’s better than being rapid cycling.

As for the blog, I’m not sure where I’ll head with it – some days I might post my eats or about my workouts or just random thoughts. I want this place to be a safe spot to write and share anything that my heart desires.

Til tomorrow …

~ Mandy