Hi there and Happy Friday! How are you doing today? I’m going to try doing a “Five Things Friday” post where I detail what I’m most grateful for, what’s going on in my life, and what’s catching my eye lately … here we go! (WARNING: this post is pretty ramble-y because I am manic AF!)
#1- My Mood
My moods have been pretty stable, y’all. I’m thrilled about that. Since I’ve committed to sobriety, I’ve been in a great place mentally. My panic attacks are few and far between, and my eyesight has been stable too. I used to visit the eye doctor about four times a year to get a contact change, but now my eyes are as happy as can be.
I’m absolutely delighted with my mood management right now. Everything seems to be working well for me, and my combo of Latuda, Trintellix, Gabapentin, Trazadone, and Buspar does the trick for me.
Yes, I still battle my moods on a daily basis – I became “buzzy” (aka manic) this morning and it lasted through the evening -but it’s *manageable* at this point. I also have to remind myself that it’s normal for people to have different moods throughout the day, and that sometimes I’m not being bipolar but just moody in a normal way. It’s rather difficult because my moods are so damn pronounced though. When I’m low, I’m LOW. When I’m up, I’m UP. But when I’m stable, I’m pretty stable, and that’s how I am most of the time. 🙂
(This is one of my favorite pics that I’ve ever snapped … I love these swans and their serenity. They remind me of how peaceful my life ultimately has become compared to my last few years.)
#2 – My Luke
My Luke works so hard for us, and I’m SO grateful to have him in my life. Luke and I met nearly 11 years ago at a little horse barn in River Falls (a development near Palo Duro Canyon in Amarillo). I remember seeing him for the first time on his rearing horse, Shiloh, who was being very naughty as we drove up to check out the barn.
My mom and my sister each had a good feeling about Luke when we first met him and knew he was a very special person. I was oblivious though! He was married at the time, but after a series of unfortunate events (well, they were fortunate for ME because I ultimately got to be with Luke), he became single, and we dated for nearly 5 years. On April 20, 2012, we tied the knot at the courthouse, just the two of us.
Luke is caring, kind, gentle, and so so loving. My man is such a joy to be around (even in the morning when he’s a bit grumpy, ha!), and I’m so *lucky* to have him in my life. He’s my soulmate … not many people find a soulmate in their lives, so I realize how blessed I am with him.
#3 – Online Browsing and Shopping
I *love* browsing stores online and making wish lists at Free People and Anthropologie. I have a bit of $$ left after buying my Brahmin, so I’ve been browsing my options. I’m liking these items right now from Free People:
The Crossfire Cami in Wisteria and Army
The AKA Washed Legging in Army, Navy, and Black
I’m looking at these items in several colors, and it’s hard to decide which colors I’d like (and ultimately WEAR). I’m picky about my clothing at this point – I go for simple, neutral colors and items that aren’t very *loud* – and I’m also thinking about going to our local Target and TJ Maxx to look for similar items that I could buy without paying for shipping or the brand. I could get a lot more at Target or TJ Maxx for $100 than I could at Free People or Anthropologie, so that might be the ticket.
#4 – Healthy Food, Cooking, and Dealing with Eating Disordered Behavior
I adore cooking and making healthy meals, y’all. I’m planning on making some new recipes soon, so hopefully I can post how they turn out on here. I love sending my husband to work with a bowl of healthy food that will help him build muscle and keep him satisfied throughout the day.
Luke often has a bowl of cereal or a protein smoothie in the afternoon (he sleeps through breakfast and has never been a breakfast eater), then he eats the meal I’ve prepared for him in the evening, and he’ll grab another bowl of cereal or some kind of snack at night. Luke’s eating habits can be difficult for me because I try to eat as much as he eats, and sometimes it’s simply not enough for me; our meal times are day and night compared to each other.
I don’t always eat what I cook for Luke, I’ll admit – my eating disordered brain goes for lower calorie items like fruits and veggies. I try my best to not have aversions to foods such as protein, and I try to remind myself that everything in moderation is just fine.
Ultimately, I *DO* want to gain some muscle weight … I know I’m contradictory on here sometimes, but it’s part of my disorder. My mind goes from one extreme to the other. Right now, I’m on a fitness kick, and I’m in “gain mode.”
ED’s are a difficult battle, and my main goal right now is to *not purge* anything that I put into my body. If that means eating smaller meals more frequently and having some odd food combos, then that’s what I’m going to do. It’s my struggle, but I’m winning, and that’s what is important to me right now. I can deal with my odd food combos another time, if I’m being honest. Right now, I’m just still resisting the urge to purge, and it’s rough. But I’m going to win this battle, and I’m going to stay strong! 🙂
#5 – The Critters
My cats and Drogo are my therapy pets, in all truthfulness, and I’m SO grateful to have them in my life.
Caprica has always been a lovely and loving cat, she loves being held and being petted. She walks around our heads as we sleep at night, checking on us. Her only flaw is that she likes to make loud cries at night, as if she can’t find us or misses Luke when he’s at work.
Calliope and Persephone took about three years to stop acting feral and become sweethearts. They do not like being held, but they love coming up for back and tummy scratches. Calliope *always* comes up meowing at me in the morning and right when I get into bed – she kneads on my shoulder and chest at night and loves getting back and head scratches. Persephone comes up in the morning when I’m sitting in my chair (usually blogging!), and she meows at me, gives me a tragic look, and rolls on her back, just begging for tummy pets, which I happily give her.
Drogo is a more sedate pet. He’s slow and relaxed, always hanging out under his water dish or log. He’s eating well and is getting so stinkin’ big! He’s not bite-y at all, he’s the sweetest and prettiest little thing (he’s a cinnamon calico ball python). He’s fixing to shed in this pic, but believe me, his color is a lot louder when he sheds.
Calliope loves hanging out on Drogo’s cage and checking him out!
~ My Five Things Friday was certainly interesting and quite fun and therapeutic to type out – now onto my EATS ~
Breakfast was my usual apple a day! I tried a Koru apple from New Zealand around 9, and it was mighty tasty – tart and sweet at the same time – so delish! I still prefer Pacific Rose apples, but they were out at the store, and I was jonesing for something different to try, so I picked up this little apple and gave it a go.
Lunch was a big bowl of roasted veggies right at 12 – I seasoned and roasted some cauliflower, broccoli, a large green onion, mushrooms, and some red bell pepper. I topped the delicious veg with two tablespoons of Fiesta Ranch, two tablespoons of hummus, and some salsa. In case you can’t tell from this blog, I eat a TON of veggies. Something about them is so satisfying to me, and I never purge veggies. Fruit and veg are the ultimate *safe* foods for me, so I’m just rollin’ with it. Yes, I need more protein here, and I plan to eat more protein tomorrow.
Luke and I went to the gym after lunch, and my vigor for strength training was renewed. We stayed for about an hour, and my arms and calves got a massive pump! Here are some ridiculous pics of me working out – I have Luke snap pics to remind myself that I don’t need to lose any weight but rather need to gain some muscle!
I was a wee bit manic when we went to the gym – when I’m manic, I TALK A TON … poor Luke has to endure my talkative shit, and I feel sorry for him when I’m manic as I’m surely quite annoying! But at the gym, I started to feel better.
I vowed to eat more protein and to start going every day … I pray this all comes to pass, EATING DISORDER BE DAMNED!
At 3:30, I was thirsty from the gym, so I had a Synergy Gingerade Kombucha in a wine glass. It’s my little mock-tail during the day, and it’s so YUMMY.
Dinner was a bowl of good ol’ chicken stir fry with brown rice (it’s under there, I promise!). The stir fry has baby corn, zucchini, squash, red bell pepper, broccoli, and sugar snap peas … I’m looking at the picture and trying to remember all that I put in it! And, duh, it’s got a goodly amount of chicken. I cheated this time and used a pre-made sauce for it though. It tasted just fine, very good, in fact, but I do prefer to make a homemade sauce (I was lazy, saw the sauce at the store, and bought it without hesitation, ha!).
Around this time, I got an email from ThredUp telling me that they gave me just $7.56 for ALL FIVE OF MY NICE, BARELY WORN ANTHROPOLOGIE CLOTHES. I’m pissed off and manic, not a great combination. I could have gotten more at a garage sale! DO NOT USE THREDUP! I’m beyond triggered as I type this sentence.
But moving on – I did over 100 sit ups out of anger, so something positive came out of the ThredUp fiasco.
As a late-evening snack, I made bacon and eggs. I scrambled two eggs with S+P and a bit of mozzarella cheese and then topped them with two slices of bacon and some salsa. Easy peasy. I needed more protein in my diet today, so I went the ol’ eggs and bacon route.
I’m currently cleaning up the apartment (rather manically, I might add) and watching Expedition Unknown on Travel Channel. I love me my Travel Channel, y’all. 😉
Looking back, this post is a very manic post, so I apologize for the disjointed and rambling thoughts! I did very well today with my ED thoughts though, so I’m happy about that! I had only a few moments of struggle with it; it wasn’t encompassing as it usually is, and I hope that becomes my norm.
Question(s) of the Day: Do you struggle with mania and depression? Do you struggle with an eating disorder?
Have a good night, my friends!