Feline on a Bike

Howdy there and Happy Saturday! How are you today? I woke up this morning, and the first thing I spotted was Calliope making herself comfortable on Luke’s woolly bike seat! Naughty kitt lit!

She was very pleased with herself, as you can plainly see.

I’m going to try something new with my eating schedule, y’all. I’m going to try eating every two hours or so, and I’m going to break up my meals. For instance, instead of having chicken and veggies in one setting at lunch, I’ll have my chicken around 12, and then my veggies around 2. I’m hoping this routine will help with any hunger pains and help me to eat a little less (I went overboard yesterday with my snacks).

I wasn’t too hungry for breakfast once again, so I scrambled two eggs with a tablespoon of shredded cheese and S+P and topped with salsa. Simple! One cup of coffee with creamer to drink.

Soon after breakfast, I drove to Planet Fitness and did 45 minutes on the elliptical. (Calliope was *still* sleeping on the bike when I got home.) It was a bit of an overcast, rainy, lazy day, so I’m glad that I pushed that into the back of my mind and went to the gym anyway!

My hair braiding is slowly but surely getting neater – I did two French braids this morning before my workout, and they’re looking much tighter and more even. It’s harder for me to do them on clean hair still, it’s much easier when my hair has gone a day without a wash. I tried doing them on my clean hair after my shower in an unsuccessful and frustrating attempt … ah well. I’m getting better.

I had a veggie-snack around 10:30 – sugar snap peas and salted cucumber slices with salsa (I’m a salsa-fiend, what can I say?). Little veggie-snacks keep me sane throughout the day, I have to say.

The first part of my lunch was 6 oz of baked BBQ chicken with some celery and Bacon Cheddar Ranch. I mainly wanted to focus on the chicken, but the plate looked bare, so I added some extra crunch.

Soon after lunch, I ran to the store and bought a ton of tasty goodies! Huzzah! Around 3:30, I had what I’m considering to be my second part of lunch, which was some raw cauliflower and red bell pepper with hummus and salsa.Around 5:30, it was cocktail time! I had a Trilogy Kombucha, and it’s by far my favorite flavor.

Dinner happened around 7. I baked more BBQ chicken and some broccoli, sweet potato, jalapeno, and carrot and placed them all on a bed of lettuce, a bit of rice, and with a sprinkling of cheese. BBQ sauce and Sriracha ranch along with a few Fritos as a topper.

Alrighty, that’s all I got for tonight! πŸ™‚ Hope everyone had a fabulous day – I’m off to watch Ghost Adventures on Travel Channel.

~ Mandy

Back on the Wagon

Howdy there! How are you doing today? I’m back on the healthy eating bandwagon today … yesterday was filled with indulgence, and my tummy was literally stuffed to the gills with greasy meat, fried foods, and sugary goodies. I thought briefly about throwing in the towel and *not* documenting my eats yesterday, but I pushed past my trepidation and posted on the new motorcycle and my food anyway, and I’m glad I did! It’s okay to indulge on occasion, after all. πŸ™‚ Today I was bloated though, and I didn’t sleep very well last night because my stomach was just so stinkin’ full of junk! Healthy eating challenge accepted today.

So without further adieu, onto the eats of the day!

I had a slice of Dave’s Killer Bread with 1/2 of a baby avocado, an egg, and salsa for breakfast. 1 cup of coffee with salted caramel chocolate creamer to drink … I switched to vanilla chai tea after savoring my one creamy cuppa, and that seemed to do the trick.

Celery and Laughing Cow Cheese as a snack! Crunch, crunch, crunch.

I had some major anxiety this morning as my Dad wanted me to come see a new crock pot that he bought (really just an excuse to see us), and seeing him is a big source of terror. He kind of tricked me into agreeing that I’d come see him today – I’m too much of a people pleaser –Β  and I did not want to go. He’s a source of terrible anxiety, PTSD, and is also a trigger for my eating disordered behaviors.

I try to remember that I’m *stronger* than he is – I beat alcoholism, after all, and he hasn’t been able to do that – and that he is no longer in control of my life and can do nothing else to hurt me, not if I don’t let him. All in all my anxiety was in vain as we had a nice visit around 1:30, and he talked primarily about cooking and the work he’s been doing at the ranch. We plan on visiting the ranch around the 4th of July, so that’s good.

Lunch was a big ol’ bowl of fruit! Strawberries, red grapes, and raspberries for the win! So yummy, fresh, and delightful. I just adore fruit.

Luke and I also ran some errands and went to the store this afternoon, and despite spending a fortune on kitty litter and cat food (Petsmart got some $$ from us today), we also got the ingredients to make enchiladas. I whipped up a batch when we got home for Luke’s dinners when he works!

Soon after I made enchiladas, it was 5 o’clock and my cocktail time! I had a Hibiscus Ginger Kombucha and some cucumber and bell pepper with salsa … the salsa kinda plopped onto the plate, so please ignore the messiness. I also ate a peach.

Luke went riding on his new bike with Joe, so I was on my own for dinner tonight. I had leftover rotisserie chicken and needed to eat it up, so I served it on spinach and some roasted broccoli and cauliflower, and I drizzled on some light Fiesta Ranch. This was a very beige dinner, but it was tasty and very filling!

Now I’m snuggled up in my bathrobe, am chilling with some mint green tea, and am watching Expedition Unknown, one of my favorite shows. I need to clean up the apartment, but the cats and I are being lazy. Oh well, I’ll clean up in an hour or two. πŸ˜‰ Today’s eats seemed to be healthy and light, so I’m happy about that … I need to keep cleansing my system from that junky day I had!

Have a pleasant evening, y’all!

~ Mandy



The New Bike

Howdy there! How are you doing today? Luke and I went to Atlus, OK to pick up his new motorcycle yesterday, so I thought it’d be fun to share about our day. It was filled with happiness and FAR too much food. Seriously, as I type this, I’m still *full* from eating so much, and it’s breakfast time!

I toasted up two slices of Dave’s Killer Bread and spread them with peanut butter, added a banana and some chia seeds, cinnamon, and coconut, and I drizzled it all with honey for breakfast.

This was a departure from my usual apple a day breakfast, but I needed something filling this morning as I’m trying to eat more and fret less about my weight. This meal was very tasty and left me extremely satisfied – I think I’ll try just one slice of toast next time, but dang, it was good.

Coffee with Salted Caramel Chocolate Creamer to drink … three cups of it! I was needing a caffeine buzz this morning. I think I need to dial back the coffee (i.e. caloric creamer) in the mornings, so I may just have one cup with the good stuff from now on, and then switch to black or tea.

Luke and I hit the road by 12, and we stopped for Subway for lunch around 12:45. I got a 6″ teriyaki chicken sandwich with pepper jack cheese on an Italian Herb and Cheese roll with lettuce, spinach, tomato, olive, and pickle with honey mustard dressing.

I did something completely out of character for me on this trip, y’all. I bought candy! I had a giant 3 Musketeers bar … it reminded me of why I don’t eat candy though – it’s a ton of calories and it’s not very filling at all.

We made it to Altus around 3, and we got a glimpse at Luke’s new bike immediately! It’s a beaut!

It didn’t take very long to buy the bike – only about 10 minutes since Luke paid with cash. Happy husband was thrilled to ride his new toy home! He’s adorable here – he rode in the 100 degree heat for nearly 3 hours, and I’m not sure how he did it! He had fun on the ride home though, so I’m beyond thrilled for him!

I was munchy around 4 on the way home, so I had an apple and a Sunbelt bakery bar in fudge dipped chocolate chip … not very good, but it helped alleviate my hunger.

Dinner was at Burger Bar, a local burger and fries joint, and we ate with our friend Joe (the motorcycle class instructor). I started off with the balsamic and bacon Brussels sprouts ….

And ended with the jalapeno cream cheese burger with fries. It was delicious, but it left me feeling FAR too full …

I ended up having a terrible sleep because my tummy was just so bloated and upset, so poop! Oh well, tomorrow will be a new day!

Question of the Day: Do you eat candy?

Happy trails, y’all!

~ Mandy


Not a Number

So, so, so. I’ve been doing some pretty heavy thinking, and I’ve come to a conclusion here. What does it ultimately matter what I weigh? NOTHING. I am *not* a number on a scale … too long I have been just a number on a scale, a clothing size, a waist measurement. It doesn’t fucking matter what I weigh, it matters who I am INSIDE. I want to be healthy and happy, not just a ridiculous number. I know that’s not a difficult conclusion to make for most of us, but those of us with ED brains and tendencies do not make this connection at all. I’m dead serious. I asked Luke today how he knows that he’s not fat … he said that he just has to look in the mirror to know, and this was a completely foreign concept to me. I look in the mirror and see a large girl standing there, not someone who wears a size x small … I hope that someday my perceptions will change.

After all, who cares if I weigh 125 lbs or 140 lbs? NOBODY BUT ME, and I’m absolutely tired of caring about it. I *am* beautiful just the way I am, and if I gain a few pounds, it does not matter one bit. So what if I have to buy some new clothes? So what? Normal people don’t fret over such nonsense. Most people don’t feel guilty when they eat as they are simply giving their bodies FUEL. I need to remember that I have to fuel my body properly to function properly, and that’s that! Yes, I do not want to get fat again, but I’m not headed in that direction at all – I’m lifting weights, doing some cardio, and I eat healthy foods. That’s my little rant for the day.

Breakfast was cottage cheese with some mango, pineapple, a drizzle of honey, and some multigrain Cheerios. Coffee with Salted Caramel Chocolate Creamer to drink. This meal was just the right size for me, not too skimpy and not too filling.

Lunch was a packet of ranch tuna on cucumber with salsa and a tbsp of Fiesta ranch. I was looking for something light, and this did the trick! Easy peasy.

I had a small taste of chicken around 3:30, which I didn’t document. Luke and I bought a freshly roasted chicken at United, and it smelled to good not to sample! I also had a little bowl of red grapes. Getting a hair up my ass, I made some Healthy Fruit Dip and ate half of my grapes and an apple with it … yum!

I had my usual kombucha cocktail around 5:00, and I tried a new flavor – Lavender Love. It really had a nice hint of lavender in it (duh), and I liked it … not my favorite, but hey, I had to try it!

I’m not gonna lie, today has not been my best day ever. I had some depression this afternoon, and I didn’t hit the gym today … but that’s okay! Tomorrow is a new day, after all, and I’m pretty stable tonight despite being low energy (when I have depressions, my energy gets drained very quickly).

For dinner, I had some roasted chicken breast from United with a baby avocado and some sweet potato rounds served with BBQ sauce and ketchup.

I’m about to fall asleep, so I’m just doing to wish y’all a happy evening!

~ Mandy


Five Things Friday

Hi there and Happy Friday! How are you doing today? I’m going to try doing a “Five Things Friday” post where I detail what I’m most grateful for, what’s going on in my life, and what’s catching my eye lately … here we go! (WARNING: this post is pretty ramble-y because I am manic AF!)

#1- My Mood

My moods have been pretty stable, y’all. I’m thrilled about that. Since I’ve committed to sobriety, I’ve been in a great place mentally. My panic attacks are few and far between, and my eyesight has been stable too. I used to visit the eye doctor about four times a year to get a contact change, but now my eyes are as happy as can be.

I’m absolutely delighted with my mood management right now. Everything seems to be working well for me, and my combo of Latuda, Trintellix, Gabapentin, Trazadone, and Buspar does the trick for me.

Yes, I still battle my moods on a daily basis – I became “buzzy” (aka manic) this morning and it lasted through the evening -but it’s *manageable* at this point. I also have to remind myself that it’s normal for people to have different moods throughout the day, and that sometimes I’m not being bipolar but just moody in a normal way. It’s rather difficult because my moods are so damn pronounced though. When I’m low, I’m LOW. When I’m up, I’m UP. But when I’m stable, I’m pretty stable, and that’s how I am most of the time. πŸ™‚

(This is one of my favorite pics that I’ve ever snapped … I love these swans and their serenity. They remind me of how peaceful my life ultimately has become compared to my last few years.)

#2 – My Luke

My Luke works so hard for us, and I’m SO grateful to have him in my life. Luke and I met nearly 11 years ago at a little horse barn in River Falls (a development near Palo Duro Canyon in Amarillo). I remember seeing him for the first time on his rearing horse, Shiloh, who was being very naughty as we drove up to check out the barn.

My mom and my sister each had a good feeling about Luke when we first met him and knew he was a very special person. I was oblivious though! He was married at the time, but after a series of unfortunate events (well, they were fortunate for ME because I ultimately got to be with Luke), he became single, and we dated for nearly 5 years. On April 20, 2012, we tied the knot at the courthouse, just the two of us.

Luke is caring, kind, gentle, and so so loving. My man is such a joy to be around (even in the morning when he’s a bit grumpy, ha!), and I’m so *lucky* to have him in my life. He’s my soulmate … not many people find a soulmate in their lives, so I realize how blessed I am with him.

#3 – Online Browsing and Shopping

I *love* browsing stores online and making wish lists at Free People and Anthropologie. I have a bit of $$ left after buying my Brahmin, so I’ve been browsing my options. I’m liking these items right now from Free People:

The Crossfire Cami in Wisteria and Army

The AKA Washed Legging in Army, Navy, and Black

I’m looking at these items in several colors, and it’s hard to decide which colors I’d like (and ultimately WEAR). I’m picky about my clothing at this point – I go for simple, neutral colors and items that aren’t very *loud* – and I’m also thinking about going to our local Target and TJ Maxx to look for similar items that I could buy without paying for shipping or the brand. I could get a lot more at Target or TJ Maxx for $100 than I could at Free People or Anthropologie, so that might be the ticket.

#4 – Healthy Food, Cooking, and Dealing with Eating Disordered Behavior

I adore cooking and making healthy meals, y’all. I’m planning on making some new recipes soon, so hopefully I can post how they turn out on here. I love sending my husband to work with a bowl of healthy food that will help him build muscle and keep him satisfied throughout the day.

Luke often has a bowl of cereal or a protein smoothie in the afternoon (he sleeps through breakfast and has never been a breakfast eater), then he eats the meal I’ve prepared for him in the evening, and he’ll grab another bowl of cereal or some kind of snack at night. Luke’s eating habits can be difficult for me because I try to eat as much as he eats, and sometimes it’s simply not enough for me; our meal times are day and night compared to each other.

I don’t always eat what I cook for Luke, I’ll admit – my eating disordered brain goes for lower calorie items like fruits and veggies. I try my best to not have aversions to foods such as protein, and I try to remind myself that everything in moderation is just fine.

Ultimately, I *DO* want to gain some muscle weight … I know I’m contradictory on here sometimes, but it’s part of my disorder. My mind goes from one extreme to the other. Right now, I’m on a fitness kick, and I’m in “gain mode.”

ED’s are a difficult battle, and my main goal right now is to *not purge* anything that I put into my body. If that means eating smaller meals more frequently and having some odd food combos, then that’s what I’m going to do. It’s my struggle, but I’m winning, and that’s what is important to me right now. I can deal with my odd food combos another time, if I’m being honest. Right now, I’m just still resisting the urge to purge, and it’s rough. But I’m going to win this battle, and I’m going to stay strong! πŸ™‚

#5 – The Critters

My cats and Drogo are my therapy pets, in all truthfulness, and I’m SO grateful to have them in my life.

Caprica has always been a lovely and loving cat, she loves being held and being petted. She walks around our heads as we sleep at night, checking on us. Her only flaw is that she likes to make loud cries at night, as if she can’t find us or misses Luke when he’s at work.

Calliope and Persephone took about three years to stop acting feral and become sweethearts. They do not like being held, but they love coming up for back and tummy scratches. Calliope *always* comes up meowing at me in the morning and right when I get into bed – she kneads on my shoulder and chest at night and loves getting back and head scratches. Persephone comes up in the morning when I’m sitting in my chair (usually blogging!), and she meows at me, gives me a tragic look, and rolls on her back, just begging for tummy pets, which I happily give her.

Drogo is a more sedate pet. He’s slow and relaxed, always hanging out under his water dish or log. He’s eating well and is getting so stinkin’ big! He’s not bite-y at all, he’s the sweetest and prettiest little thing (he’s a cinnamon calico ball python). He’s fixing to shed in this pic, but believe me, his color is a lot louder when he sheds.

Calliope loves hanging out on Drogo’s cage and checking him out!

~ My Five Things Friday was certainly interesting and quite fun and therapeutic to type out – now onto my EATS ~

Breakfast was my usual apple a day! I tried a Koru apple from New Zealand around 9, and it was mighty tasty – tart and sweet at the same time – so delish! I still prefer Pacific Rose apples, but they were out at the store, and I was jonesing for something different to try, so I picked up this little apple and gave it a go.

Lunch was a big bowl of roasted veggies right at 12 – I seasoned and roasted some cauliflower, broccoli, a large green onion, mushrooms, and some red bell pepper. I topped the delicious veg with two tablespoons of Fiesta Ranch, two tablespoons of hummus, and some salsa. In case you can’t tell from this blog, I eat a TON of veggies. Something about them is so satisfying to me, and I never purge veggies. Fruit and veg are the ultimate *safe* foods for me, so I’m just rollin’ with it. Yes, I need more protein here, and I plan to eat more protein tomorrow.

Luke and I went to the gym after lunch, and my vigor for strength training was renewed. We stayed for about an hour, and my arms and calves got a massive pump! Here are some ridiculous pics of me working out – I have Luke snap pics to remind myself that I don’t need to lose any weight but rather need to gain some muscle!

I was a wee bit manic when we went to the gym – when I’m manic, I TALK A TON … poor Luke has to endure my talkative shit, and I feel sorry for him when I’m manic as I’m surely quite annoying! But at the gym, I started to feel better.

I vowed to eat more protein and to start going every day … I pray this all comes to pass, EATING DISORDER BE DAMNED!

At 3:30, I was thirsty from the gym, so I had a Synergy Gingerade Kombucha in a wine glass. It’s my little mock-tail during the day, and it’s so YUMMY.

Dinner was a bowl of good ol’ chicken stir fry with brown rice (it’s under there, I promise!). The stir fry has baby corn, zucchini, squash, red bell pepper, broccoli, and sugar snap peasΒ  … I’m looking at the picture and trying to remember all that I put in it! And, duh, it’s got a goodly amount of chicken. I cheated this time and used a pre-made sauce for it though. It tasted just fine, very good, in fact, but I do prefer to make a homemade sauce (I was lazy, saw the sauce at the store, and bought it without hesitation, ha!).

Around this time, I got an email from ThredUp telling me that they gave me just $7.56 for ALL FIVE OF MY NICE, BARELY WORN ANTHROPOLOGIE CLOTHES. I’m pissed off and manic, not a great combination. I could have gotten more at a garage sale! DO NOT USE THREDUP! I’m beyond triggered as I type this sentence.

But moving on – I did over 100 sit ups out of anger, so something positive came out of the ThredUp fiasco.

As a late-evening snack, I made bacon and eggs. I scrambled two eggs with S+P and a bit of mozzarella cheese and then topped them with two slices of bacon and some salsa. Easy peasy. I needed more protein in my diet today, so I went the ol’ eggs and bacon route.

I’m currently cleaning up the apartment (rather manically, I might add) and watching Expedition Unknown on Travel Channel. I love me my Travel Channel, y’all. πŸ˜‰

Looking back, this post is a very manic post, so I apologize for the disjointed and rambling thoughts! I did very well today with my ED thoughts though, so I’m happy about that! I had only a few moments of struggle with it; it wasn’t encompassing as it usually is, and I hope that becomes my norm.

Question(s) of the Day: Do you struggle with mania and depression? Do you struggle with an eating disorder?

Have a good night, my friends!

~ Mandy



Lighter Eating + My New Brahmin

Hooooooowdy there! How are you doing today? I’m doing well. I’m eating smaller meals more frequently, and it seems to agree with me, so huzzah! Today was a lighter day regarding food for me as I simply wasn’t all that hungry … I didn’t go to the gym today or anything, so I figure it’s fine. My protein was lacking today, unfortunately, so I shall try to do better tomorrow. πŸ™‚

Breakfast was a GIANT Pacific Rose apple. I’m talking HUGE. I ate this sucker without cinnamon and peanut butter for some reason today. I’m on an apple kick lately for sure … something about them is just so stinkin’ satisfying. Coffee to drink.

Around 11, I was feeling a little hungry, so I had about a cup of watermelon slices with salt. It was getting close to lunch, so I didn’t want to spoil my appetite. Watermelon always hits the spot for me!

Lunch was seasoned and roasted broccoli, carrot, cauliflower, and red bell pepper with hummus, Pace salsa, and Fiesta ranch dressing. This meal was rather large, and I was quite full from it, but that’s okay, and I should have added an egg or something to this, but I didn’t.

I bought my new Brahmin bag after lunch! I just love it! It’s a more summery bag, but I can carry it in the cooler months if I want to as well. My purse was on 30% off clearance when I got it, so I paid about $60 less for it that I originally intended! So worth the wait! It’s a smallish bag, but it’s larger than the Brahmin that I’ve been carrying, so it fits all of my doodads perfectly.

Cook, cook, cook! I went to the store and then made Luke a large batch of chicken stir fry for dinner. I cooked some chicken, some veggies, and some rice. Cooking is such a joy for me – I *love* feeding my husband nutritious and tasty food.

I was munchy around 4:30, so I had a cup of freshly cut pineapple with Tajin seasoning … yum! I love fresh pineapple, y’all. So refreshing! Vanilla chai tea to drink.

While cleaning up the apartment, I whacked my head on an open cabinet! OUCH – HEADACHE ALERT! I took some ibuprofen and had a Synergy Organic Kombucha in Trilogy to help soothe my head. I *love* having kombucha around, y’all … since I’m no longer a drinker, it’s like having a little cocktail every evening.

For dinner, I started off with a new-to-me product tonight – cottage cheese with pineapple! I found these little packets in the store, and I wanted to try one. Tasty! I’ll buy more next time.

And I finished with a bite of stir fry – I mean, seriously, how could I make it and *not* try it? It turned out well, so I’m pleased about that! There’s a bite of rice underneath there, but you can’t see it in the picture, poop.

I was munchy again around 7, so I toasted a piece of Dave’s Killer Bread with some butter and strawberry jam and badly fried an egg (it was delicious though).

Now I’m watching Mysteries at the Museum and am contemplating taking a hot bath. πŸ™‚ Hope you had a good day! πŸ™‚

~ Mandy

Mania + Motorcycles

Howdy! How are you doing today? I’m thinking of learning how to ride a motorcycle, y’all. I’d love to learn how to ride, have my own bike, and go on trips with my hubbers one day. Our good friend Josiah runs the local motorcycle class – he taught Luke how to ride – and I plan on taking the class where he’s my teacher. I’ll call him once I have a free weekend. Exciting stuff for me!

Yogurt parfait for breakfast! I had a Chobani Flip Pure Pear and Honey yogurt with a banana, some raspberries, a sprinkling of chia seeds, coconut shreds, almonds, and granola with a drizzle of honey. Coffee to drink.

I drove to the gym after breakfast, but I only stayed about 15 minutes … I was on the verge of an anxiety attack, so I had to come home for some extra Gabapentin – full blown anxiety attack was averted, thankfully! I drank an extra coffee around this time too, and it seemed to help; I didn’t have my usual apple around 10:30 either because I simply wasn’t hungry.

I became a wee bit manic after taking my extra Gabapentin – I call it being “zippy” – and my sloppy picture of lunch depicts my mania well. Usually I clean my utensils and clean up my plate before taking pictures of my meals, but I didn’t this time …

Lunch was a reprise of yesterday’s midday meal – I roasted broccoli, cauliflower, half of a baby avocado, and zucchini and served them with hummus, salsa, and ranch dressing; two eggs rounded out my meal as the protein! I ate them with some spicy mustard and S+P.

Luke took me to the gym around 1:00 p.m. … I needed to work out my mania, and we did just that! I felt *amazing-balls* after working out today. πŸ™‚ I worked myself out of that mania state, which was wonderful, and I topped myself by doing 330 lbs on the quad press.

(I asked Luke to snap a pic of me, so forgive the deer skull behind me, I look like I’m growing an antler out of my neck!)

Dinner was pretty simple tonight but it was *damn* delicious – I had a turkey taco salad. I browned some ground turkey with spices, added corn and black beans, and then I served it on a bed of romaine lettuce with some red bell pepper and cucumber. I topped the salad with some bacon cheese ranch dressing, mozzarella cheese, and some jalapeno Fritos. Talk about a delightful meal! (I admit that I added some salsa after snapping this pic.)

Tons of veggies were consumed today for sure! Yummy! I just love my veggies.

My dessert was a Pacific Rose apple with cinnamon, peanut butter, granola, and chocolate chips.

Now I’m off to clean up the apartment! (I may have a small coffee to keep my energy up.) I had a pretty good day, and I hope you did too! πŸ™‚

Question of the Day: Do you deal with mania and moods? If so, how do you cope?

~ Mandy