Father’s Day

Howdy there! How are you doing today? My post is a little bit off today compared to my usual eats. Father’s Day has brought up a host of anxiety and mania for me (bad memories of my father, ya know – he’s the source of my PTSD, and it’s difficult).

I texted my Dad and wished him a happy Father’s Day, and then he unfortunately texted back that I needed to come see him today and watch DVDs on his sound system. I FREAKED, y’all.

My Dad and I don’t talk very much – we never call but only text, and we text very rarely – so this development just threw my anxiety into high gear. I raced around the apartment doing nothing at all – I was in full blown panic mode! Luckily I was honest and told my Dad that I didn’t feel well enough to get out to see him today, and that was that. After I did that, I fell into a manic state and started deep cleaning like a fiend (that’s what I do when I’m manic, y’all, I CLEAN).

Breakfast was a nice big Ambrosia apple. I wasn’t in the mood for peanut butter or cinnamon on it, I just wanted to taste the apple in all of it’s pure glory, so I went with it.

Here’s where my day gets weird: I truly wasn’t hungry at all. Something about Father’s Day put me off food, I think – it brings up high anxieties and bad memories for me, and my mania and panic didn’t help one bit. Throughout the day, I sipped on ice cold water, and for some reason, it kept me very satisfied.

At 3:00, I had a coffee with salted caramel chocolate creamer and thoroughly enjoyed it. Still not hungry. In fact, I had a knot in my stomach after I drank my coffee.

At 5:00, I had my usual kombucha – Gingerade this time ’round, and it sure was refreshing.

Around 5:30, I decided to try eating some fruit, so I had a cup of pineapple and a cup of watermelon with Tajin Seasoning. It was delicious.

Around 7:00, I ate some roasted veg – broccoli, zucchini, yellow squash, carrot, green onion, and jalapenos. I topped them with my usual 2 tbsp of Fiesta Ranch, 2 tbsp of hummus, and some salsa.

I’m exhausted now from my mania and am planning on taking a bath and having some tea or coffee. I hope you had a better Father’s Day than I did for sure!

~ Mandy

 

 

Anxiety Attack I + A Blast from the Past

I had an anxiety attack today, y’all. One where my eyes get out of whack. So gather ye ’round and let me tell you my tale:

I woke up feeling a bit too anxious, but I thought I’d be okay to drive to the gym. This was the wrong idea. I got to the gym, did 5 minutes of cardio on the elliptical, and then I had to carefully drive back home because I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. I made it home and promptly blew the fuck up in the parking lot! My attack lasted about an hour and a half before I calmed down. I logged it in my mood journal, managed to drink some hot green tea, and tried not to wake my sleeping husband (I woke him up for a minute, but he promptly went back to sleep, so I’m glad I didn’t disturb him too much).

For me, a serious anxiety attack entails excessive hyperventilating (I often walk around with my mouth wide open, just trying to breathe), messed up eyesight, racing thoughts, a wee bit of psychotic thinking, the sense of being un-grounded … it’s like being trapped in a weird psycho-world until it subsides.

I’m going to call my doctor tomorrow and see if I can’t get an appointment to talk to him about my anxiety meds. I’m on Gabapentin, but I think it causes my eyes to get out of whack, so I’m not sure if it’s the best med for me. I wonder if he’d prescribe me something just for emergencies or something like that … I’m just not sure what he can really do for me in this situation, but it’s worth a phone call.

Now onto the eats! I’m proud to tell you that I’ve been doing SO MUCH BETTER regarding feeling too full. I’m not struggling as much with it. I think I’m just acclimating to the sensation still.

Around 9:30 (before my massive panic attack), I made a nice smoothie (the color looks ugly in the picture, but it was quite tasty!). My blend was a banana, some raspberries, some strawberries, spinach, almond milk and OJ, and a scoop of Protein One vanilla. Granola as a topper!

Around 1 o’clock, I went in search of food in the fridge, but we were VERY LOW on interesting eats (Luke and I made a trip to the store afterward), so I settled on a Chobani Flip yogurt in Peanut Caramel Satisfaction with some raspberries, and a plain rice cake with peanut butter and honey.

I thought I looked cute in the car on the way to get groceries, so I snapped a rare selfie (my lips look odd, but whatev). I just adore my sunglasses, y’all – they’re from Diff Eyewear. I’d love to snap up another pair sometime!

Around 4:30, I indulged in a cute lil’ honey crisp apple with cinnamon. Random fact about me: I love apples but DESPISE apple juice. Something about it is just utterly gross to me – it stems from a childhood dislike.

I fixed some BBQ bacon chicken for dinner – it’s so easy! Just cut up a chicken breast, season with salt and pepper, drizzle with BBQ sauce, top it with some sliced bacon, bake it for 30 minutes at 400 degrees … when its done, you top it with some shredded cheddar cheese and let it melt in the warm oven, and voila! Nothing too inventive, but it sure is tasty. Ranch-Parmesan broccoli on the side with some Fiesta Ranch dressing drizzled over the top. Delish!

Around 7, I was feeling munchy, so I had yet another rice cake with peanut butter, honey, and some granola. I also had a bite of Lindt 70% dark chocolate … YUM! (Forgive my ugly-ass nails.)

I was going through old pictures on my phone and found these three “gems” from the past – I remember taking these three pictures around the time that I weighed 109 lbs (June/July of last year) …. I’m reflecting pretty heavily on how far I’ve come since taking those pics. I’m no longer drinking, I look so much healthier, and I’m feeling a BAZILLION times better. My stomach no longer pooches out, my face looks healthier, my boobs have returned, and I’m not so stinkin’ bony.

A Blast from the Past, I tell ya! I’m so glad that I don’t look like that anymore. πŸ™‚

Well, that’s a wrap for today … here’s hoping for an anxiety-less day tomorrow!

~ Mandy

The Lusty Month of May

Tra la, it’s May, the lusty month of May! πŸ˜‰ Yes, I’m a musical theater nerd at heart, no qualms about it (FYI: I was an opera/musical theater singer in high school and college).

Critters

Calliope and Caprica were taking in the sun on this gorgeous day while Persephone languished sullenly on the couch (that’s the only place that cat ever is, I swear).

Today I’m trying something new with my eats – I’m going to break my meals into smaller portions and eat more frequently so I don’t feel overly full and see how I fare. Here we go!

Breakfast

I felt a little peckish upon waking up, so I had a banana with some crunchy MaraNatha peanut butter, a sprinkle of Quaker oats, and a drizzle of honey.

A few hours later, I hard-boiled three eggs and mashed the yolks with a baby avocado and S+P. Gotta get my protein in! Starbucks Mocha Coffee with stevia and coconut-almond milk to drink followed by Blueberry Acai Green Tea.

I also nursed my vile-looking Green Vibrance with some OJ around 10:30 (it’s seriously the only way I can stomach that shit).

Lunch

I wanted an easy and not-super-filling lunch after having a fun damn panic attack at the gym, so I roasted some broccoli, zucchini, cauliflower, and carrot complete with Fiesta Ranch Dressing and Pace Salsa for dipping. Veggies are LIFE, y’all.

I also had a Chobani Flip in Almond Coco Loco with a banana.

Dinner

I made Luke some jalapeno poppers (recipe here) and just had to give them a try! Very spicy but tasty … I’m a spice-lover, so they were a hit with me!

I also made Green Enchilada Chicken – it’s just a can of green enchilada sauce, some corn, some black beans, topped with cheddar cheese – and roasted some cauliflower, broccoli, and some squash on the side.

Exercise

I went to the gym this morning and did the elliptical for 32 minutes before promptly having a panic attack and having to head home … more on that under the “Mental Health” section. I was pretty annoyed that my cardio was cut short.

I sadly didn’t make it back to the gym today, but here’s hoping I do tomorrow! A little side note: I think I got delightful PINK EYE at the gym … I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, but I’m hoping I just scratched my eye and it heals overnight … yuck!

Mental Health

As I said above, I had a mini-anxiety attack at the gym. I’m not sure what caused it or why, but my eyes do a strange thing were they want to look “up” and are unfocused when this happens … they usually calm down when I’m at home and can relax, but I had to first drive home very carefully. They are messed up for about a day until I can have a good sleep – anyone else experience eye issues when you have anxiety attacks? I’m an odd duck, I realize, but I’m curious if anyone else out there has experience with this issue.

I’m off to rest and relax tonight with some hot tea and nurse my poor eye back to health!